definetely the crackhore moment of the day

sitting here drinking my afternoon alcoholic beverage and steve begs me to drive him to work. fine.

on the way back, i’m enjoying the day. It’s sunny, birds are chirping, it’s not bitter cold and not terribly hot yet. All the windows are rolled down. Listening to Sublime’s Stand By Your Van, a great album. Anyway, im at a stop sign, SCREAMING along to one of my favorite Sublime songs, Date Rape. I’m I’m talking screaming too. Banging fists on steering wheel, really really enjoying myself.

Now you have to understand my mind set of late. I care about absolutely nothing anymore. Apathy has completely enveloped my life and given me the warm sweater of oblivious. Singing along in traffic, embarassing roommates at convenience stores, this site is full of examples.

ANYWAY, i look over to the car next to me is one of my clients of 4 years, a realtor who works downtown. He’s laughing. Hard.

Embarassment is my anti drug.

you could have a job if you really wanted one

last night i left my meeting at the coffee shop, after successfully landing the client, i felt like maybe having a drink. i stop at zinnies, have a beer, get a sandwich to go and stop at andrew and jana’s to annoy them.

once i started shaking, i figured i guess it’s time to head out. i visit andy(different from andrew) downtown. i drink lots of beer. i don’t count.

Around 1am a bunch of very attractive women roll in. You know how mid 20 chicks hangout in packs with maybe 1 dude, completely own the juke box, dance, drink and not leave tips.

well, a very tall blonde, named umm….fuck…im pretty sure it was christine, maybe…anyway, she notices me watching her dance and takes that as a reason to come up and talk to me.

the normal “who are you, what do you do” bullshit goes on. I explain that i make websites and am homeless. I drink constantly, only because it fuels the never ending fetish of websites. The basic run down.

Now her and this other random guy have been listening to me rant about how apartments and houses are “old school” and how being unemployed and homeless is definetely the way to roll.

I pause for a second and she starts. She’s 25 and a social worker. Uh Oh. I get a 30 minute speech from her and the guy, who has my phone number, who says he won’t remember, but says he might be able to find me web work.

I need to stop talking to strangers.

The whole time andy is listening to this argument im having with a social worker and a um…i dunno exactly what he was when he finally closes down the bar.

It gets kinda blurry after that. From what i remember i drove andy home, took one last beer from his fridge, drank that when i got home in bed.

Boots still on, still drunk at 11am when the Memphis Business Journal calls. They want me to pay $700 to advertise in their next major issue. So glad it went to voicemail. I can see that conversation right now.

$700? YEAH SURE, HOLD ON, LEMME JUST REACH OVER HERE INTO MY MAGIC DRAWER OF MONEY AND GET THAT FOR YOU, DO YOU TAKE CASH?

god.

Should have asked her if could advertise but work off the $700 by cleaning the memphis business journal offices every night when everyone leaves.

hate memphis, hate business, hate hangovers, hate social workers

cfdcvkhof. omdhahahahwwelluknow

ahahaha jail stab kill kill stab jail death

arrested for bank pwning rawr rwaraarhahahahahahdflk

stab stab stab

hi

welcome to a train wreck

tommorow is wednesday.

are you happy with what you’ve done on monday and tuesday?

i bet you’re not.

you have wasted so much time reading this bullshit.

lets leave you on a good point.

jesus may not forgive you for what you’ve done, but i will.

what would jesus do if he was toad…..and drunk.

laziness vs alcohol, take 1

it’s raining it’s ass off in memphis today. i just got home, all warm and comfortable in front of the monitors.

i realize i have no wine.

and i have to ship 2 ebay items.

so now i can’t figure out which one of the monkeys on my shoulder to listen to. i can sit here and be lazy, i have enough food to eat tonight and sleeping pills to eat when i’m tired of the computers.

but then there is the alcohol voice that says “nooo you need go get some wine, blare music all night, work, ship those ebay items.”

total eclipse of the brad

we went to kwik check on madison to get sandwiches today.

we walk in and make our order. then bam, total eclipse of the heart comes on the radio.

brad looks over at me and im already in my pose, ready for the first line.

5 minutes later, i’ve sang EVERY line of total eclipse of the heart, did a little dance midway thru it, made both the asian girls really regret not drinking before work today.

brad has a crush on the girl that works there and tries to by witty. He says “okay homeless man, it was nice talking to you, please visit my church, goodbye now”.

and total eclipse isn’t a short song. i was totally busting it down by the end. not missing a single lyric. i think that is going to be my first music video.

not gay, but definetely not masculine

i bought a usb keychain drive the other day. Except i had already took it out of the package when i realized it’s either a) the most poorly designed electronic device i’ve ever purchased or b) the most homosexual

pic

Now let me explain, you can see in the above pic that it obviously can be worn on a keychain. Except the important part, the usb part, doesn’t have the loop on it. The useless top does. So this is going to get lost on a long enough timeline.

What really bothered me was after i opened it, i noticed it had this little nylon strap. I’m sitting in my car, completely by myself and say “there is no way i’m wearing a usb drive around my neck”. For some reason, the keychain is okay.

Now i fucking like computers and shit. I crawl from my bed to my computers and then crawl back to bed most every day. But i do not want a fucking usb drive chilling on my chest. If i saw a girl wearing one around her neck, it’s perfectly fine, and a little hot.

I just can’t do it tho. I was talking to Allen the other night, who also agreed that no male should wear a usb around their neck. I proposed the idea of not using the gay nylon strap that came with it, and instead go to Home Depot and get some pretty hardcore looking chain. He said it would only attract more attention to it when you were taking your shirt off.

Can you imagine finally getting some girl in bed and when she sees you stripping your shirt off, starts laughing cuz you’re a dork and are wearing a usb drive. I mean if she was blonde enough you might be able to convince her it’s your “power amulet” and you use it to fight evil. That’s stretching it.

Wow i thought i’d feel better about this terrible purchase after sharing it with all of you but now i feel like i just tripped over a shoe lace in front of the entire internet.

thanks.

uh oh

So i get this phone call today from…lets just say a goverment agency. I have been advised not to update my site in any manner that isn’t american.

so from now on im going to have to keep this pretty professional.

kill kill kill kill

welp

i have 8 weeks.

if you are reading this and can get me a job, please call or email me.

because im fucked.

i don’t care anymore tho.

as long as im not living under the tyranny of homosexuals, then i have definetely won.

this is where we seperate the men from the webdesigners here. are you going to rise up and get the fuck out or are you going to tred water and try to hammer out a existance in this shit hole.

i have a bad feeling that i am not good enough. that i’ll be reading this update on a crumpled up piece of paper, driving along some desolate highway, in search for web work like mad max.

apathy needs to be embraced at moments like this. the less i care about my well being, the less im likely to fuck it up.

just look at the calendar. not much time left. better fix life soon. running out of time. are you going to find a way out? is memphis your final destination? are you really going to die here?

well you have 2 months to figure something out.

do i think this is going to turn out okay? no. not at all.

never before has there been so little plan.

i’m going to die on the streets.

homeless, websiteless and dead.

the only hope is that i’ll be left alive by life and continue to update this damn site with my stupid depressing rantings.

when it really comes down to it, nothing is ever really okay. we all die. even the pope. we just don’t all have the doctors and medicine the pope has. but we’re not all good christians.

no let me leave it on a better note then my normal anti jesusness.

no matter how bad your life is, you’re probably better off then me.