So tomorrow is the anniversary…the 10th, of Dave’s death. It’s been 10 fucking years. The first 3-5 years i just had nothing but self loathing. I blamed myself, it’s my fault. If i hadn’t existed he’d be out there living it up, nice job, house, wife, kids, nice car, everything you get when you are a smart, talented computer guy.
Instead it’s a grave stone, his mother and father probably divorced since most families can’t handle something as fucked up as a child dying. Elise is probably somewhere with her husband and probably not even thinking about it. I hope she is because he deserves a thought once a year.
The first 10 years of this was just a selfish self loathing feeling. With maturity i realized how stupid that was…it’s not your fault he’s dead. He would have done something stupid in a manic state whether my parents ever fucked and i was released on the earth.
I watch the 25th of June with a weird sense. I look at what my responsibilities are that day, socially, work, whatever. I know that I’m not going to feel too great about…anything on that day but i guess i’m starting early. This year it just seems to be different. I’m making it even more selfish and just thinking about where my life is and where I have failed. Pretty pathetic.
This isn’t about me, this is about him. It’s sad. It’s not my fault, it’s actually not even his fault, he didn’t mean to die. No one to blame, just sad.
Can’t believe it’s been 10 years, wonder what you’d be doing right now.
Always told you that you’d have free hosting and it’ll always be there as long as…well, who knows.