Betty from ******.com

So one night, i don’t really recall which night it was…I’m sure i was drinking, after a really quality meal, I’m on my laptop in the living room looking at reddit’s /r/food. Always good stuff there, there is a subreddit i can’t remember it’s name, basically for cheap good eating.

Throughout the posts i’m clicking on links and exploring the rest of the internet for new things to cook. For those of you who don’t keep up with my exciting life, I cook a lot. I’ve learned it’s the best way to save money for booze. It’s also just simple math…i can go out to eat for every meal and eat relatively decent food…or i can cook it for myself and get whatever I want at half the cost. Sure there are dishes and crockpots to clean but fuck it, least I’m eating steak. I also get off on giving my food to others. There is a joy feeding the multitudes from my magical crockpot that can’t be put into words. Here, have sustenance. What do you think…too much hot sauce? Not enough…duly noted.

So one of these sites I try a few recipes from. Good stuff, i like being broken out of my routine of the same old meals. Now it’s probably late in the evening and I’m back on this site when i notice the author has posted a picture of herself. She’s extremely attractive so i say fuck it, i’m emailing her. A really hot woman that knows how to cook affordable meals is pretty much out of my league but she probably lives in san diego or new york so it’s just playful internet play.

I send a simple e-mail saying i’ve enjoyed your recipes, thanks for running a informative site. She replies and says something like “glad you’ve enjoyed it, looks like you live in new orleans too”.

That’s when shit gets real. I try to get into full witty mode, emails are sent back and forth. Finally i overplay my hand and say “i hope your husband is doing the dishes if you are doing the cooking”. No response. Probably married and it was getting too hot. At least that’s what i said in my head. Not because i’m not attractive.

Anyway, a few days later I’m casually browsing okcupid. Suddenly i see a picture/face that i recognize. I start running desperately trying to figure out where i know her from. I’m out and about a lot…running, biking, drinking, web siting…i meet lots of people. Nope, it’s her.

I explain to the situation to my assistant Blaine who i have to tell this entire story to, to properly explain how fucked up this is. So i craft another very witty message and there is some back and forth play of whatever.

Now selling web sites, i’ve acquired a great talent at realizing whether or not people are feeling me. I honestly have a bit of a “everyone hates me” thing going but i can usually tell if someone likes what they see or not.

She isn’t exactly asking me when we are meeting up for drinks discussing our future together.

Normal internet dating etiquette (at least for me) is after your last witty message is ignored, just abort and continue on your mission. Don’t appear pathetic, it’s a small city.

So when Betty(thats what i’m calling her, not her real name) stopped responding i did what i normally do, just sigh and walk away.

Wait, it’s not okay. Fuck that. It’s a big wide huge internet. I know because i’ve built a large portion of it. There is way too much coincidence going on here and i’m not going to just go silently into the night shrugging “welp she didn’t like me, back to /r/gonewild/”.

I send her another message with a much less creepier version of what i said above. Yeah new orleans is a small city, i get that, but the internet, especially web sites about food, is a huge enormous place. I’m having trouble believing this is just some random occurance, at least have a drink with me.

She responded with a “i’m really busy, taking things hour by hour instead of day by day” which i understand. She says when things calm down she’ll message me but there was a bit of “if i remember you”ness in the message.

At least she responded.

The entire point of crackhore is to make me feel better about my lonely miserable existence. I feel better writing about this. It’s going to be super extra special creepy when i’m drinking alone in a bar next week and she walks in and we both go “oh shit”.

Then i break out the tablet and show her this blog post and she pays for her drink and walks out.