the time i almost shot 2 people

I’m not sure how to write this post so i’m just going to get started and let it kinda fill itself in.  My upstairs neighbor and her friend decided to surprise me when i came home from a night drinking by hiding in my bed. Only problem is i’m actually in that bed massaging my…she’s not a girlfriend but we’re on our 6th date(she’s on her way now)… so we’re i guess better friends then..not.

We went out to dinner and come back to my apartment for wine and whatever I’m allowed to get away with. I open the backdoor and let Marla out and leave the door cracked so she can get inside.

Now Kendra is beautiful,  a perfect specimen of what I’m attracted to. We are very compatiable, especially sexually,  she had a rough week and after dinner i told her I would rub her back.  I really have to mention again just how beautiful Kendra is. She is the type of girl that I honestly think i deserve. Years after she has forgotten me I will remember how perfect she looks. Anyway, it’s  a extremely romantic moment, i have candles let, i’m rubbing lotion into her beautiful back and shoulders. We’re both naked. I’m very aware she is naked and I’m very aware of this.(erection)

I hear footsteps. I hear them because I have no music playing so it registers instantly. Those are footsteps, in your apartment, at about 1am on a Saturday morning. There is a certain routine you’ve practiced, read about and are ready to deal with.

I’d like to say something at this point that this is new orleans. There are literally thousands of black people(and white people) who want to take my things, my white woman, my life, and my web hosting customers. I’ve never felt safe in this city and own guns for this exact moment.

I roll off of Kendra’s perfectly formed breasts and ass, pull the Remington 870 shotgun from underneath the bed. I slide a shell into the chamber and come around the corner of my bedroom and point the shotgun. Usually at this point when someone hears that sound they realize they might have broke into the wrong apartment.

I flash the light mounted on the shotgun and it’s Sarah and Alex, both completely drunk. They see me standing there, completely naked, pointing a loaded shotgun at them, yelling GET THE FUCK OUT. Kinda imagine american history x but with a shotgun instead of a handgun. And instead of niggers stealing my truck it’s fucking Sarah and Alex in my kitchen.

They both run from the apartment, I slam the door. I walk back, unload the shotgun and get back in bed trying to do a “so where were we”. We then have really intense sex…because i just almost shot 2 people trying to sneak into my fucking apartment.

I am pretty livid when i wake up but im trying to play it cool because i really like Kendra and just try to shake it off. There is a bottle of jack daniels(which im drinking right now) on my doorstep this morning when i walk Kendra out.

I’ve never came that close to ending another life. There have been close calls while driving and I’ve probably almost stabbed people walking home from karaoke but I’ve never pointed the shotgun at someone at this proximity with the intent to kill.

Everyone is alive and okay. Sarah and Alex learned a very important lesson that you should NEVER sneak into someone’s apartment. Especially when they own several fire arms and have a persecution complex. Alex also learned that i have a extremely big penis.

My instinct is to never to talk to Sarah or Alex again. I was extremely close to ending both of their lives. People have told me that I need to look at it in a lighter light, that I missed out on a 4thsome with all of them. It’s all about perspective i guess.

wear banana suit fuck bitches

I’m trying to see if i can get to page 1 in google with the title tag of fuck bitches get money but i’m not even on page 8.

I must update more.


About fucking bitches and getting money. Lemme tell you something about the banana costume. I’m not sure where the idea even came from but i decided to be a banana for halloween. It arrives from amazon in less then 48 hours and i wear it to my friend josh’s pumpkin carving party.

I next wore it in the 6t9 parade and some point in the evening i’m drinking wine…which i spill all over the front of the banana costume. Yeah, big huge stain, so awesome haha

I next don it on the friday before halloween for a costume party at the dungeon that my friends daisy and mike invited me to. Yeah, just imagine a costume party at the dungeon…we’ll get to that later.

We of course are meeting up at flannagans for a few drinks before we head there and i arrive very early. I get a shot of jager in me and start walking around trying to find someone i know to talk to. I walk outside and almost walk into this girl. A little shorter then me, spiked short black hair, full sleeves, tattoos all the way up to her neck, lip pierced, dressed in all black. She’s startled cuz this banana comes out of no where.

now most everyone knows that i have a type…that is…her.

She is very impressed with the banana costume and wants a picture of me with her. I oblige and someone takes the pic.

now beyond popular belief, i am a fairly intelligent guy. I’m not a great programmer, not particular bright in anything but sometimes except recognizing opportunity. i see one. I tell her she has to send it to me, gotta put it on facebook, etc.

she punches in my number into her cell and sends me the pic…

cell # acquired, proceed to step 2b

eventually the next day she mentions in texts that the other really really attractive girl she is with is her girlfriend. they in town for Halloween and are friends with another friend of mine.

well, that’s okay, whatever. not like i wanted to..yeah whatever fine. i’m good at disappointment.

i keep thinking that every woman is bisexual if she’s had enough to drink and that goes both ways but i’m not probably hot enough to pull things like that off.

or maybe i am.

but i wasn’t.

haha you thought that was going to be the best crackhore update but instead it’s toad meeting 2 really hot lesbians.

now i’m sad 🙁

not good at relationships


I give up, just going to have fun and enjoy single/dating life. I figure i have a good 10-15 years left of whoring around before I can’t get any women that i’m attracted to anymore.

Also i should get a motorcycle. Or a boat. Or both. So i can ride my motorcycle to my boat and cruise around on my boat, then get off the boat and get back on the motorcycle and ride home.

It’s all about having goals in life.