Why sleep in discontent? Oh the price of companionship

I never write on this site anymore…wish to change that but i realize i just…don’t.

The last update was about Kendra which i can honestly say is going very well.  I always find it very special to date someone above 90 days which i think we’re getting close to at this point. Usually by then things have fallen apart. It’s never my fault, never theirs…things just…fall apart. Just the way life goes for me.

She really loves me tho, i can feel it just as i’ve felt it from women in my past. I think she’s changed her mind about leaving in a year when her semester is up but we’re both making plans to go somewhere else together. I’ve been kinda over living in new orleans for about a year now. This life i’m living here, the company, everything, could exist forever in this state but i’m just burned out on it. A change would do me well.

One interesting thing about Kendra is now she will eat meat…she ate a entire piece of bacon a few weeks ago and even ate some horribly cooked baked chicken i made last night. This makes me happy.

My sushi experiences continues to climb…we continue to check places off in new orleans that have sushi in my never ending quest to try all of the places. I’ve started to try to branch out from the basics such as smoked salmon and rainbow rolls to eels and such but i take it very slowly.

I lost my health insurance recently and have had a terrible time at securing someone to insure me despite my…problems. I’ve been weening myself off of welbutrin, taking a dose every other day and i’m starting to really not enjoy life. Kendra has noticed i’m not as cheery and fun…not making jokes as i used to. It’s a terrible feeling to feel your personality diminished and even a worse feeling wondering if you are going to lose your new girlfriend because of it.

I’ve never been a cheerful fun person. I enjoy the beautuy of life as much as the next guy but things like my bank account balance and my future life is a constant worry. I can always trade that worry for a cubicle and 8 hours of my life a day dedicated to being someone’s bitch but then this post would just be about that sucking instead of this. It’s hard to describe to her that even tho i look sullen and miserable that i’m actually extremely happy to be spending time with her and disappointed in myself that i can’t just fucking cheer up and love the moment i’m living in.

The thing is i do…i just don’t let on to it. I realize how awesome it is to lay in the sun with my awesome sexy girlfriend and drink whiskey and laugh. I dunno, hard to explain. It just sucks…i hate to think what it’s like to be with someone who is all full of energy and life then stops taking a prescribed medication and turns into a dark brooding creature that no one wants to be around.

Worst part is there is a huge part of me that wants to force her to break up with me to avoid putting her through the guilt of leaving because i’m no longer fun. Like tearing off a bandaide, get the pain out of the way as fast as possible instead of letting it broad side me…

Only time will tell…trying not to dwell too much. One mistake i see in most people’s relationships is the level of obsessiveness in the other’s happiness. If she is over this then she’ll probably let me know pretty quickly. One of the things i love about her is she wouldn’t put up with something she wasn’t happy with.

I’ve read on reddit threads about showing self confidence and whatever and one piece of advice sticks out a lot. Something along the lines of faking it until you feel it. From now on I’m just going to pretend I’m happy until it just feels that way. I’ve been working out twice a day the last week trying to just keep adrenaline running through my veins as much as possible to ignore the constant realization that my life is falling apart one piece at a time until i’m living at my parent’s house wondering what went wrong.

Shit, maybe i’m not doing it yet, i’m gonna start acting happy tho.

After this post.