Month: December 2014

Drinking again.

The first drink was a ice cold PBR served to me by a beautiful blonde covered in tattoos. Very down to earth too, not a bimbo, what you think when you think blonde.

She wore tight jeans and a shirt with the sides cut a little short so you can see her hips. Imagine what your hands would feel like on them. That’s why I’m wearing this shirt. I like smiling at you.

Should have asked her out. Need to relish in the rejection. Not lay my head down until I’ve been rejected by a minimum of 1 woman a day. I have no idea what my standing in the world is. I’m a 10 to some, a 5 to others but you really can’t tell until you query a result.

But I don’t. Moments lost that honestly you cannot really go back to. I have to get dedicated to it tho. Situps every morning. Rejection everyday.

Carol told me today that I have to work on my story for when I meet people. I’m too fucking depressing. She didn’t say it but she’s right. I have to work on my story. Immediately. Right now.

She honestly said she couldn’t help me until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. How sad is it that I don’t know that now, fuck.

Woke up sunday after a week of sin which I hope does not come back to haunt me. I was laying on the couch contemplating the idea of rock bottom and how far I still really need to go when I heard a knock on the door.

It’s my neighbor’s daughter. She’s asking me for a beer for her dad. He’s down by the pool grilling. I walk down in my black robe and 2 tall boys of Becks, the last of the alcohol in my house.

I gave him the beer and sat and talked with him for a bit about what I had been up to Friday and Saturday. I go back upstairs and decide to drink the last beer. It made me feel a little better.

Earlier that morning I had woken up hungover and starving. The 2 tiny pieces of chicken I ate the night before the magnum of wine I drank with A was not really a sufficient dinner. Made a apple with peanut butter.

Later Peter’s kid brings me one of the hamburgers and says “you’ll need this later”.

I did, it was good.

Later I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Felt like I was dying the whole time. Afterwards I was faced with the option of going home and barely sleeping at all while sweating and tossing and turning. Or I could go get some wine and relax and sleep at a decent hour. Decided to sweat it out. It wasn’t the worst “1st night” I’ve had, have had much worse and much more scary. Tuesday was rough, Wednesday was terrible.

Today, Thursday, the craving was there immediately after the presentation .  Went for a run instead.

I absolutely love this time of year. Party party party. It’s okay that no one wants to start any new projects. There are christmas parties.

I had my fucking party in august when there were no new projects and there were no parties. That should come for something.

Woke up at exactly 3am. It’s pretty much impossible for me to go back to sleep at this point in my life. Between the failing business, my absolutely terrible personal and social life and just the fact that I’m living in “this” make sit impossible to go back to sleep after waking up.

Since I’m fucking wired and any delay in a text message response is considered rude, I check my phone. Let’s also admit I’m checking it in hopes of something to kill a little bit of my loneliness but whatever. That’s a little bit of that optimism that shines for about 45 seconds before I start to remember what’s going on here.

I need to uninstall the okcupid app from all of my mobile devices. Waking up at 3am depressed and sad, feeling a weird glimmer of “oh?” when you see someone has visited your profile and messaged you. Reading about her kids. then reading “If u don’t believe in God, I don’t care to know u.”. Oh she lives in Kenner too.

NIN – Where is everybody.mp3

Fucking desolate wasteland of christian single moms. Not really how imagined my life in my 30’s. I’m going to keep this blog password protected to keep it real.

Reading more of her profile. It’s actually kinda hurting me how much this woman’s profile is fucking with my mind.

” I view those ppl as lost souls, some are dark souls. I sometimes feel we are between heaven and hell. On a path to get to one or the other. I know which path I’m on.”

Wow, I might actually copy and paste some of this for my profile. I am a dark soul, i am on the path to hell.

The best part about this is under the “what I’m doing with my life” there is this little gem. I don’t use the words “little gem” often but when you see “I’m here to find someone to relieve a little of my stress. Teach me to have fun again.” you pretty much have to imagine what I am? However, she says “I’m not here for a casual fling or sex. I don’t give myself away like most of today’s women. Shit can kill you.”

I’m going to put a link to this woman’s profile in my suicide note.

I even responded to her. I’m noting that here.

Maybe I need to turn my life over to god and start going to church. There is a small to medium chance I could meet someone at a happy hour or something but the tactical question of how even to do that is lost on me. Financial costs alone make it tough but I also have to remember I have pretty much no game anyway. Church has all kinds of pussy. Sure, we might have to lie a little about how I am a “dark soul and i’m on the path to hell” but what are a few lies between soulmates.

To be honest the “dark souls and a path to hell” stuff in her profile is kinda fascinating. I doubt she drinks but I’d love to get drunk and talk to her about life.

Portishead on pandora now, thanks.

Even ugliness looks beautiful next to you.

Just looked at my google calendar. This can be done, just have to make a few phone calls.

I feel a lot better for writing this right now.

Today was a pretty quality day, things done. Feelings had. Plans made.

Eric told me while I was in Memphis that he thought I was the happiest when I was working my gov contract. He said I had a purpose that my business never gave me. It actually made me really sad to hear it because it’s something I probably need to face. It’s time to put everything on auto pilot and do something else.

Not blogging.

Hard to monetize depression. That would look cool on a trucker hat. Maybe I’m underestimating myself?

Alarm is going off in 6 hours…going to be tired. Tired of laying awake and feeling miserable.

Really soon, maybe as early as tomorrow, I need to re-write my entire okcupid profile then replicate it on a few other dating sites and start just spending 15 minutes a day on the challenge of getting someone to meet you from the internet. I don’t take it personally getting rejected online…hell, i even try to move my rejection situations towards the easier route of text messaging. Tell me we are just friends over the phone via text, then we can smile and be friends next time and forget about how I liked you.

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The trick to feeling better about rejection is making it such a regular part of your life that you notice it missing and get upset and correct it.  Also quit buying alcohol and bringing it home.  Pushups every morning. Leg lifts too.

I need to hire the painters. I’ll drink less if I fix this.

 

I read this in a reddit thread the other day and can’t think of anything better to describe my life right now. The way I look at it, if I’m going to really go after women outside of my normal range then I’m going to face a lot of rejection. More then probably before because I’ve never tried this before.

Reflecting on it, I’ve always been a lazy fuck when it comes to pursuing women. It works but honestly this is a time vs numbers game and effort is going to be required. Embrace every crushing rejection with the cold fact that we all die alone anyway. Like Louis CK said, even if you do find that person you have to watch them die or die before them leaving them miserable?

Below is a facebook post about the focus group I took part in to make a little extra money. Not like I have anything else to do with my life, why not. I drank 2 margarita’s at juans. Next time I do this I’m bringing a flask and filling up the water bottle before it starts.

Speaking of facebook, from now on, you update here and then there. I’m so tired of the weird judgmental feelings i get from absolutely no one and feel so much better wasting my life writing here then on fucking social media.

Sitting in waiting room at the focus group and it’s pretty quiet, room full of strangers. I see opportunity and say “did anyone else think it was weird they took our blood first?”

I had about 8 out of the 10 people with a “wtf? no i didn’t have to give blood” before 2 women called me out and ruined it

Still bored, I begin to make small talk with the guy next to me. He seriously asks if I’ve accepted the Lord into my heart.

I’m actually very religious so I agreed with everything he said and even commented on the awesome power of his Jesus. For the next 10 minutes before the survey started.

There was a tiny percentage that he was a small business owner interviewing web designers, no regrets.

Anyway, I’m really tired right now. I didn’t sleep a lot last night and it was drunken pizza/beer sleep. I did wake up, work out and get to the office by a crazy 8:30am. It was a model monday and I have to continue the momentum to tomorrow.

I don’t want to go to sleep tho. I want to do something enjoyable. Still honestly feel like I’m on I-55.  Screw it, might as well be well rested and miserable.