Woke up at exactly 3am. It’s pretty much impossible for me to go back to sleep at this point in my life. Between the failing business, my absolutely terrible personal and social life and just the fact that I’m living in “this” make sit impossible to go back to sleep after waking up.
Since I’m fucking wired and any delay in a text message response is considered rude, I check my phone. Let’s also admit I’m checking it in hopes of something to kill a little bit of my loneliness but whatever. That’s a little bit of that optimism that shines for about 45 seconds before I start to remember what’s going on here.
I need to uninstall the okcupid app from all of my mobile devices. Waking up at 3am depressed and sad, feeling a weird glimmer of “oh?” when you see someone has visited your profile and messaged you. Reading about her kids. then reading “If u don’t believe in God, I don’t care to know u.”. Oh she lives in Kenner too.
NIN – Where is everybody.mp3
Fucking desolate wasteland of christian single moms. Not really how imagined my life in my 30’s. I’m going to keep this blog password protected to keep it real.
Reading more of her profile. It’s actually kinda hurting me how much this woman’s profile is fucking with my mind.
” I view those ppl as lost souls, some are dark souls. I sometimes feel we are between heaven and hell. On a path to get to one or the other. I know which path I’m on.”
Wow, I might actually copy and paste some of this for my profile. I am a dark soul, i am on the path to hell.
The best part about this is under the “what I’m doing with my life” there is this little gem. I don’t use the words “little gem” often but when you see “I’m here to find someone to relieve a little of my stress. Teach me to have fun again.” you pretty much have to imagine what I am? However, she says “I’m not here for a casual fling or sex. I don’t give myself away like most of today’s women. Shit can kill you.”
I’m going to put a link to this woman’s profile in my suicide note.
I even responded to her. I’m noting that here.
Maybe I need to turn my life over to god and start going to church. There is a small to medium chance I could meet someone at a happy hour or something but the tactical question of how even to do that is lost on me. Financial costs alone make it tough but I also have to remember I have pretty much no game anyway. Church has all kinds of pussy. Sure, we might have to lie a little about how I am a “dark soul and i’m on the path to hell” but what are a few lies between soulmates.
To be honest the “dark souls and a path to hell” stuff in her profile is kinda fascinating. I doubt she drinks but I’d love to get drunk and talk to her about life.
Portishead on pandora now, thanks.
Even ugliness looks beautiful next to you.
Just looked at my google calendar. This can be done, just have to make a few phone calls.
I feel a lot better for writing this right now.