acid

i really need to start doing this more often…i had a very very very beautiful day of walking through the park while calling friends who i hadn’t talked to in a while.

saw the most beautiful sunset over the lake while talking to my new friend. apparently last night i told her that i loved her and that isn’t the sort of thing you should say to people lightly…so it goes tho.

anyway, very nice day appreciating the beauty of the world…probably a little more intense then the other people in the park but still none the less.

talking with E while tripping really has me wondering about who i fundamentally really am…am i a good person…i feel like the things i do are mostly bad and end in pain and suffering for everyone so….yeah, i shouldn’t feel guilty and i wear black for a reason.

just need to practice discipline.

fucking friday shit show

Friday is always my favorite day of the week. I had a 10am meeting at the office with a new client to kick off the new year in somewhat of a positive note. Had lunch with my sales guy and had some super deep conversation about how our proposal is phrased and how we sell what we do. I actually almost feel more lost then i did before but that’s kinda good.

After lunch i stayed at the bar and continued to drink and “work” until my best friend H got there. I bought her some amazing nachos and several glasses of wine. I’ve told her before but i love being around her, she’s very entertaining. Kinda shows what my humor level is like that it’s only people who work at fucking funeral homes.

We leave there after i spend about $116 in trade credit since they are a customer and she buys wine and i pick up some photos from walgreens. Oh, i need to remember to post that.

So we go back and P cooks himself a steak in my kitchen while i drink the wine H bought for me. It’s 9pm tho, time to go to karaoke. I forced one of them to give me a ride to my spot. I had been drinking for about a solid 10 hours at this point so i wasn’t really my best. I wish i had brought the camera, always bring the camera…It was a rough walk home.

It’s about 2 miles and it’s not all like on sidewalks so i’m strolling through people’s front lawns, completely blacked out, usually singing outloud whatever song i just sang at karaoke. This is also when i get my best drunk dialing, before and after karaoke, anyway.

My other friend P left me a hit of acid when he came to visit recently and i decided that today was a perfect day to do it. I took it after eating a nice big breakfast and now sitting in the condo waiting for it to start. Or has it…ugh, okay well, it’s a nice day out and i’m going to go walk in the park.

After this beer.

I’m so fucking close to just burning this life down. Resign from every organization, double everyone’s price, sell the condo, take whatever money i get out of that, get rid of that damn car and just buy a 1 way ticket. I can always have a storage unit in new orleans for certain things i never want to lose but there is no reason to just sit here. Every week when I drive to rotary i have that terrible sense i’m going to just be stuck here because of what i do and what i charge…i kinda just want to quit.

Okay, good time for a walk.

memphis

When i go to memphis i really enjoy going to my old haunts. I tried to see as many as i could this last time i didn’t do as good as i wanted but maybe next time. I’m actually thinking about going to memphis more often just because it’s nice to get out of new orleans and the cost of living is lower and make it more fun to have fun.

anyway, i really enjoy going up there. I’m a firm believer that the women in memphis are way more hot then new orleans. I want to figure out a good cheap airbnb in midtown that i can stay at and just take the train up every few months. I really like the anonymity of it too, i rarely run into people i know.

Part of me even wants to just throw my arms up and give up and just move back to memphis and do point2point there again. It’d be nice to be closer to my mom and dad and sister and her husband but i honestly kinda like my solitude from everyone down here all alone.

Oh well, with my finances i need to remember i shouldn’t be doing anything fun ever. Just save money and pay off debt :-/

The balance

I talk about this a lot but there is a balance in life that i want to achieve again.

It’s not a pipe dream, it’s something i’ve experienced in several periods of my life. It’s been a long time since i had it but it’s been done in the last few years.

It’s very basic and has simple rules. I just have to exercise. Everyday, rest on sunday. Just no exceptions. I’ve started thinking that maybe just start really basic everyday, wake up, do situps and leg lifts, a few minutes of it every morning to keep my stomach flat’ish.

Running tho, running is so important and i gotta keep with it. I did 5 miles today after not running for months and loved every second. If I can get back up to 3 days a week running and the rest working on upper body i’ll finally get to where i actually feel like i’m attractive, which i’m not at the moment.

also more fucking salads, salads for lunch.

I read somewhere online that men lose a bunch of testosterone at 40 and i’m getting closer to that each day. I want to be able get a head start on it before i get old and fat and alone.

I mean older, fatter and more alone then i am now…yikes, that’s a fun thought.

It’s a cute meme on facebook about how your pool body starts in the winter time and it’s kinda true. I’ll be jumping in the pool and chilling in my float before i know it.

Or i’ll die before then, there’s that.

Fucking social media

So i realized the other day that it’s time to start writing here because the facebook algorithms are probably hiding some of the best content and would rather just start putting it all in one place.

I just installed the wordpress app on my phone so i can start just dumping all my photos up here, need to tie it in with instagram and fb and will be all set.

anyway, so yeah, 2018 was probably just as shitty as 2017. it’s hard to even keep track if i’m winning or losing.

It’s cliche to say but i think i’m going to just try to do better in 2019. I already have started trying to instill healthy habits while still having “fun”.

There have been several times of my life where i get the balance that i love. Everyday exercising and improving physically while still partying. Towards the end of 2018 i really came unglued and fucked up a few things that i’m wondering if they can be fixed. At this point a lot of this situations are 100% out of my control and just need to react the best way possible.

One nice thing tho is I recently met someone who REALLY likes me. I keep trying to think of the last woman i dated/slept with that enjoy my looks as much as her, it’s really pretty wonderful. I’ve been upfront with her as possible about my past and how i’m not really looking for monogamy at the moment after being loyal to Tanya for years. I’m just not gonna try it anymore. I’m going to be “good” and not tell them about it unless they ask because they get off on the idea of being with other women(some do).

I know she is eventually going to get serious feelings for me, think she might already since we spent new years together. I’ll worry about that when it gets too much but she honestly just enjoys having the company and she really enjoys the sex.

Trying to take it slow but it’s hard to have sex with someone more then once without emotion. It’s worrisome because we have a lot of mutual friends so when and if it does end, i have to be super careful.