i miss the comfort in being sad

Thought about this earlier. So much of my identity has been being fucking miserable. I’m the first to admit the sadness and disasters come from internal, not blaming the world any even anyone specific.

Took Ginny to a Christmas party last night. First time she’s ever really seen me in this environment. Felt so good to get dressed up, we forgot to take a picture together, remembered that this morning. Problem is this party always has a unlimited wine situation so I was talking about how my condo building is haunted while a couple at the table is like “wait, our friend just moved in there”. Turns out him/her, I forget, I was fucking drunk, is on the 3rd floor near me.

This is something I think I’m going to start doing is carrying some kind of notepad with me again to write down these details because typing shit like that on a phone makes you look like a fucking dork but writing it with your dangerous looking pen is way more sexy.

I feel like I mostly behaved. It was funny because there was one woman who was very interested in me and Ginny and our relationship, asking how long we’ve been together, etc. Reflecting on it the next day, we both did a good job, especially me. I get extremely egotistical in business type settings because of just who I am. I think we do damn good work for the price, anyway, this site isn’t for musing about business. It’s about the rock and roll life that mirrors whatever else that pays for the rock and roll lifestyle.

Ginny stayed the night and was dealing with a difficult client while she watched me do my morning situps and pushups and the post workout PBR to stop the intense fear of absolutely nothing.

I could tell it was a difficult client so I emptied the french press into the garden, cleaned it with soap, ground beans while the water boiled, poured the water into the measuring cup and then pouring it into the french press, grabbing a coffee cup and setting both in front of her. I started a timer on one of my chromebooks so she knew when it was done steeping and went to the pull up bar.

She left to go about her day and I shower and get ready for my meeting and dealt with some the worst traffic I’ve seen in a while since the interstate was completely blocked both directions. It gave me time to reflect.

I’m not used to feeling content and happiness. That’s not something I’m used to. There is a comfort in sadness and loneliness that becomes the normal for so many people and you can easily forget that your self inflicted personal isolation is self inflicted. I can still be who I am if I’m in a good mood.