Jesus christ…

I spent the weekend with R. We went and drank by the lakefront, she watched me cook for her after.

I’m honestly the happiest I’ve been in a very long but I’m absolutely terrified that it’ll come crash down. Both of us have all kinds of baggage but like we are both just dealing with it and it’s working.

I was telling her the other day that part of doing what we’re doing is you have to put yourself in a vulnerable mindset, that yes I can hurt her and she can hurt me but if you don’t let the walls down then…well, isolation is horrible.

She really really hates when I compliment her looks, like to the point where she’ll mock me if I do. So I find myself often just admiring her without saying anything. This is very different from any situation I’ve ever been in. Women usually like being complimented on their looks but this is very different.

The whole thing started cerebral and is continuing that way. That’s one thing that really changes in your mid 30s, you start to understand that we all age and you have to make deeper connections.

So scared tho but that’s good, I need to feel scared. I’m trying really really really hard to get her to fall for me. Doing lots of little things like refilling her glass of wine without asking and what not.

Oh well, need to just enjoy the fact that even being old, jaded and not really what society thinks of as a attractive man that I can attract something like her. Even if ended tomorrow I’m still a very different person after this whole experience.