Escape from Memphis

Like always, some background information. I had just came to a conclusion to a question which had been itching to be answered all week and i had to get out of the city. If you ever talk to me on a regular basis you know what im talking about, if not, don't worry about it, its hardly relevant to the content below.

Day 1
I walked in the door, showered, and quickly put on a pair of black pants and a crackhore.com t-shirt. Moving quickly, i grabbed a backpack, threw a spare wheel, a spare bearing, my skates and flew out the door. I drove first to Trilogy tattoos, told them i wanted to get my ears pierced, then 20 minutes later i walk out with pierced ears. I hit the interstate and headed south. The drive down was relatively uneventful, once when i stopped to get gas i ended up going north on the freeway insted of south but i guess thats not exciting. Then i saw this place.

Yeah, wtf. I had to walk in to buy a large coffee to stay awake and i got alot of stares, we were already deep in Mississippi. Flooring it as i pull away from the Deliervance of gas stations i finally started to unwind and looked forward to a weekend of skating and not being in Memphis. Not too many things else happened while driving down, nice weather, had the windows rolled down and my mood was already lightening.
The drive continued and i felt the effects of the super large coffee i drank and had to pull over to go to the little Toady's room. Man did i ever pick the wrong spot.

Man was this place scary. I thought the Huddlehouse was just something they joked about but this place, man oh man. I walk in and it looks like this is a hangout for local whitetrash highschool students. They were all planning pool and when i walked in half of them stopped and looked at the city boy with things in his ears. I snuck quickly into the bathroom and then quickly ran out not making eye contact with anyone. Then some rednecks in the parking lot saw me with a huge smile on my face taking a picture of the place. Insted of explaining to them that i have a webpage where i make fun of people like them, i hopped into my car and floored it again. Sigh, i hate Mississippi. No speeding tickets yet though.

As i finally pulled into the city of my heart i felt alot better already. New Orleans is so great, the timeless, the young drunken youth and the old buildings, symbols of the past and the present both doused with cheap rum, hehe. Drove in, gassed up the Horemobile again and decided to find a place to park my car so i could sleep until late in the afternoon and then start day. Well, like always, nothing goes as planned. I pull in the French Quarter

popped the trunk and put on my skates. I skated around for a while and ended up on the infamous Bourbon Street. I hardly ever go to Bourbon when im in New Orleans, just not my favorite place to be, bunch of dirty frat rats and tourists. Still it was really interesting to be be skating around a bunch of drunks, got some interesting pictures too. They're a little blurry but you try taking pictures while moving.

I saw a bunch of just really really strange things that night, for example, here is a homeless guy asleep in a little car.

I decided that was enough skating for one night and that i should get some rest before the next day. Then i remembered, i had no idea where i had parked. Yeah, “doh”. Hehehe. So i skate around for about 3 hours and finally find the Horemobile. I climb in and pass out.

Day 2
I awoke to the sound of traffic. I bet that was a sight for some poor German tourist to see some hobo looking fool getting out of the back seat of a car and walking funny. Ain't America great? Hehe. Well i stop by a Walgreens and buy some Dial to clean the piercings and i end up buying a electric razor because i decided it was time to remove my hair again. Only problem was it had to be plugged into a wall and since it was kickin it hobo style i didn't have a place to plug the thing in. Oh well, answers like those always come to me in good time. Here are some random pictures of the French Quarter i took.

My first and main goal was to find a place to shave my already disgusting hair so i put my stuff in a backpack and began my hunt for free power. At first i thought i could find a bathroom with a power plug in it but i thought the chances of that were slim to none. Then i saw a little parking area that had 2 power plugs! I rushed over, took off one shirt and took out my razor, plugged the thing in and started cutting. I was about halfway done when a little history tour made it's way by. Everyone stops, including the tour guide, then the cameras come up. As i type these people are developing pictures of that strange homeless guy in the alley shaving his head. About 3-4 more people came a little bit closer to take a picture, i gracefully turned around to show the URL of this webpage so that they would know what i was all about and continued shaving. At one point a redneck kinda guy came over and asked to use the razor. He shaved off a small part of his growing mullet and went along. I was there for maybe a total of 15 minutes.
Hehe, well you'll never guess what happened. The owner of the hotel who's parking lot i was using as my own personal barber shop came out to see what the hell was going on. Here is a dialog of what went on.

What in the hell do you think your doing?!?!
I'm cutting my hair.
**silence**
Well you better clean that up!
Okay.

I kept a very very polite tone and a smile on my face the entire time. That 6 months of being yelled at by cable modem customers gave me the ability to distance myself from people who were really angry at me. It also hurts a million times more when your really really polite to someone who really really hates you. She told me at one point not to run because they had me on camera. On the drive home i was thinking, what the hell would they do? Call the cops? What would they charge you with? Ahahaha.

She was really pissed off and finally gave me a brown grocery bag to put my hair in. With a smile on my face because i knew this was going to be a hilarious story, i gathered up my hair and went along my way, turning around once to thank the nice lady for letting me use her alley. Guess those signs about the alley being monitored by cameras wasn't bullshit.

After cutting my hair, stopping at one place to get something to eat, i went back to my car to get my skates. I skated through the French Quarter and just enjoyed the scenery.

Finally decided to skate through the main park where all the little performers were.

This was the only one that really caught me eye, she earned herself a dollar. Too bad she doesn't have a real job, hehe. Probably pays better then the call center though..

The French Quarter has all kinds of strange things in it to attract drunks to their bars. For example, here is a huge blue cow.

Hehe, oh and here was a big ugly dog that made people want to go into this little store. I didn't go into the store.

There were some really interesting street acts going on on Saturday, this guy was my favorite. Usually i hate these damn people and their stupid acts but this guy was doing some insane stuff and he was really really mean about it which adds a lot of cool points. I first saw him when he had a torch and some lighter fluid so i skated down there to see what this was all about.

He called himself Rex and insulted everyone who slightly annoyed him, it ruled. Here is him with this woman from the crowd up on his shoulders, pretty cool, hehe.

After watching Rex and his antics, i skated around the city for a few more hours just enjoying myself. Then i remembered i always wanted to skate up on the riverwalk so i went up some dangerous steps and skated around there for a while.

They had some more interesting street acts up on the riverwalk, like this guy.

He was playing music by rubbing his fingers over glasses filled with water. I think the picture i got truly represents the insane look in this guy's eyes. I sat and watched for a few minutes, requested he play Head Like A Hole or Opiate, took a picture and went on. He didn't like me very much.

Skating around a little more, i saw the great golden cow of the 90's, a huge statue of i guess Joan Of Arc. I pondered skating over there and trying to destroy in the name of the Hore but decided against it. I'm sure at this point the cops were already getting sick of me.

Skating around a little more, i accidentally skated through the famous Cafe Du Monde. I was just skating, minding my own business and suddenly there were lots of tables, chairs and people! The owners of the establishment were about as happy as the owner of the hotel i cut my hair at so jetted from that area as well.

These guys were chilling behind the Cafe, they seemed really cool so they are going to get preserved in crackhore.com forever. As i took the picture, the huge fat guy goes “That'll be $150”. I snickered to myself then skated off quickly turning around once to make sure they weren't following me, hehe.

It was starting to rain so i got back to my car and decided to head back to Memphis. As i was pulling out i saw this, thought it was pretty cool.

The trip back was pretty hardcore, i had never seen rain come down like that before. At one point i was following four red lights in front of me because i couldn't see the road. It was pretty scary not being able to see where your driving and going 70 mph. I think at one point i hydroplaned for a entire mile. I'm still kinda surprised i got home because when it rains like that most people slow down to about 50-60 mph while i kept my constant 75mph the entire time. Thats what mad skill is all about, children. Flying down I-55, screaming along with Hendrix's Voodoo Child, hell yeah! At one point when the big rig i was following started to hyrdoplane and looked as if he was about to lose it, i screamed “crackhore!” at the top of my lungs and passed him, it owned.

At one point i decided i had to stop for gas so i pulled over at the first exit i saw. The rain was coming down so bad that i wouldn't see which town i was pulling over at, just that they had a exxon. Never guess where i stopped.

AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I got my gas and stared at the word Huddle and just sighed. When i had gone in for gas i noticed the inside of the Huddle House was alot like a waffle house. The way i figure it, the HuddleHouse was a Waffle House but they just changed 4 of the letters in Waffle and they got Huddle. Like the riddle of the sphinx.

Finally arriving home, i had a drink with a friend and finally got some sleep.

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Lessons Learned:
1: Hotel owners do not like hair in their alley.

2: If you can't see the road, follow the car in front of you, if you see them disappear into the woods, that means they are going on the wrong way.

3: You don't have to drink in New Orleans to have a good time, but it sure helps.

4: Not everyone listens to NIN or Tool, but they should.