i have a lot to say and my natural add makes me dart back and forth from telling you what happened monday and my loathing and self depression. This update reads kind of weird and i probably repeat myself a lot because theres a lot of emotion and i just want to get it all out on text. sorry in advance.

Everyone remember that tight Honda i had, with the nice rims, the mp3 player, etc that was in decent condition besides the fact that both the windows were non functional? the passenger side window wouldn’t even roll up all the way so i was having to use a plastic bag when it rained. i still liked the car tho. definetely could have sold it and got some good money.

Well i was going home, pulling onto a on ramp on i240 which i took just a tad bit too fast. I hit mr light pole, spin off of that, hit another light pole on the other side of the car, this one kind of being the death blow to the back of my car. People keep asking me how fast i was going when i tried to take the on ramp but when you’re spinning you don’t really take notes. The weird thing is with both collisions, i managed to save the front of the car, the engine, the part that is worth the most.

now i am a bad driver and the situation that occured that night had happened once before about 2 months ago when i slid off a on ramp, i drive thru like 100 yards of grass, get back on the interstate and went about my life. i had valerie with me too. it was a pretty major high regaining control after that spin out.


police show up, nice police, and only because of the color of my skin they don’t take me to jail. if they knew anything about me, they wouldn’t have let me go.

oh and i lost my glasses in the wreck so the only computer i can somewhat operate is my laptop.

needless to say, my life is pretty fucked up. this has been on top of a general depression ive had, thinking life was fucked up before. always get kicked when you are down has been my experience.

my options so far have been

a) eat lots of pills, finish jug of wine, last update, put on The End, and wave goodbye

b) fix credit enough to get car loan or buy shady used car, salvage old car for whatever the engine is and parts are worth, get a new car, have a car note but at least i can leave the apartment and get clients.

Those are my options at this point. I can’t, as much as i want to, undo what happened but when you’re fucked you’re fucked. there is no control z.

anyway, the only reason im sticking with b is because the whole car wreck thing turned out a lot better then it could have. there was amazing luck that night and this is the 2nd time ive had really really amazing luck, so i’ve figured ive been kept around for something. im going to push someone out of the way of a bus and that person is going to cure cancer or something because this amount of luck is not only uncanny but almost to the point of obscene.

i was saved only by the grace of god and Alex coming to pick me up. If it wasn’t for alex, option A would have definetely been the plan. i have to stick with option b because there has to be a reason i’ve made it through this bad bad situation so far and only came out of this with a cracked rib, a totalled car and loads of self loathing and depression. i couldn’t have lucked out for no reason this many times…..

anyway, you can wallow and brood but when you can’t do anything else i guess you can just update.

i probably should find a ride out to Poplar and hunt thru the grass and see if i can find my glasses. this has been the worst part about the whole thing. i think if i had my glasses i’d feel a lot better. then i could work and we all know i have lots of stuff to work on(this site, other sites) and we all know work is the best, free and most powerful drug and actually will help this situation.

i can’t watch tv, can’t use my workstation, can’t watch movies. i havn’t tried reading books and i’ve gone thru just about all the websites i wanna check out.

i havn’t shaved in weeks and don’t plan on doing it for a long time. shaving is for people who have cars and plan on leaving the house. shaving is also for people who have girlfriends and i can’t see mine since she’s also carless, yet another reason im looking more like Ted Kesinky(sp) with everyday.

it’s weird when you get in situations where your life is pretty much ruined, your mind keeps grasping for straws to keep from letting option A seep in. First off you think about how lucky you are, you think of the luck you had. I am going to type these out, mostly just as a reference point to keep the thought of “your life is pretty fucked up, probably won’t get better for a long time” out of my head as much as possible.

Instead of praying to jesus or whatever, i am praying to my own god by listing out the fact that i recognize the following things about my life after monday night. By listing them i feel like ive at least given props to whatever luck i have left.

a: nice cops that didn’t feel like crushing my life, just gave me a ticket

b: not black, which made cops nice, otherwise this update might not be here, i hate that the color of my skin saved me but it’s Memphis

c: alex answering his phone, picking me up, driving me to tow truck place, being able to get the thousands of dollars worth of laptops, cameras and
technology i carry with me out of my car before the tow truck guy got to get a new laptop

e: only one part of my body seems to be damaged, it hurts to take deep breaths but i think it’s just a bruised rib. people keep saying “you could be dead” but to me that just sounds like “yeah it could have been more convient cuz im fucked right now”

f: jason left a jug of wine for me to drink this weekend

g: my girlfriend doesn’t realize her boyfriend is a total fuckup(may after this update) and is still talking to me

h: my monthly bills really are not that much as it is, so a car note won’t hurt too bad

i: i am self employed, i am the only obstacle between myself and success, and we need success now

j: i have a handful of friends with cars that have helped me get new glasses(werd to sek) and alex(who drove out to tow truck place and helped me remove my mp3 player from the car before the tow truck guys did it themselves and said ‘what mp3 player’) and the other friends who havn’t been called upon yet, but will help me

k: i can work from home forever, as long as i have a phone, email and internet i can fix my life. if i worked at taco bell and totalled my car, i’d be taking the bus or some bullshit, but i would have pulled the trigger before it got to that anyway.

l: i have 2 gigs of 80’s music that i’ve ripped from shoutcast

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