i need a vacation….

so today im at work desperately trying to keep my mind on work. i figure the more brain energy i can focus into work the less my brain will use to communicate with itself. it’s not getting easier.
it’s part of the one really good trait in my personality, i hold myself to a very high moral standard. i have a code that i try to live by but fail at it miserable. now sometimes that is a lot of fun. there was a period in my life where i was breaking every rule in the book just to see how evil i can get without my conscience going “okay wait stop, don’t murder that homeless guy and jerk off on him”.

it’s after that but anyway.

i really justify suicide to myself on pretty much a daily basis. i could make a mathematical equation right now that if shown to you, you’d go “yup, you’re a piece of shit and you’ll never been a good person”.

the guilt i’m carrying around is getting pretty heavy. the facade i usually carry at the office is kinda tough to keep up when my brain is telling my body to slit my wrists with the letter opener.

writing isn’t making me feel much better.

going to try something from the freezer.

i’m seeing this reoccurring pattern in my life over the last year since i’ve left memphis. it’s like the universe is pretty much giving me everything i want. i’m getting it all but i’m fucking it all up. never satisfied, never happy. i don’t want to ever want anything again because if i want it then it’s guaranteed i’m going to fuck it up.

on the plus side i ran 9 miles today. good ole 10k days is still my #1 a+ album to listen to while running. if you can make it up until jambi then you’re fucking straight. after that song you’re in the home stretch.