i haven’t felt like this in so long

so i’ve been holding off on really writing about the recent developments in my personal life. part of me doesn’t want to jinx it.

so the last few months i’ve been emailing this girl at work. just drop dead gorgeous, way out of my league on several levels. it’s fun because i can talk to her like a person and not someone i’m thinking about dating. she’s got a boyfriend, we work together, so many reasons. it started out mostly me just bitching about my love life but i always kept it way out of bounds of sexual harassment. i’m terrified of my advances making a “uncomfortable workplace” situation so i keep well within “we’re just friends”.

so a few weeks ago she’s telling me about how she’s thinking about leaving her current b/f. I’m curious cuz she doesn’t really speak too much about that area. She tells me a little bit about him, what he’s done recently that has finally made her realize she can do better. I carefully lay “yeah you could seriously do better then that, i don’t mean me, just better”.

After she breaks up with him our correspondence gets more frequent. I’m still convinced at this point, especially based on what i knew about her ex, that i have no chance. I’m normally a pretty good judge of women in this regard. A woman knows immediately if she’s going to sleep with a guy and i’ve gotten fairly good at reading that expression.

anyway.

i was just on the phone with her and i’ve decided to tell the full story. we ended up going out on halloween. and you saw how i looked in that dress. things happen. we both call in sick for work the next day within 15 minutes of each other. i ask her if this was a one time thing or if she’s really curious to see where this could go. she looks at me and answers instantly she wants to see what it’s like to date me.
things are funny at work the next day. i can finally look her in the eye and not turn away in fear of holding a gaze too long. we do very well at not walking too close to each other…touch hands in the elevator, thats it. no one has any idea. it feels like they do but they don’t.
we’re both breaking the ultimate rule. you never date at work. neither of us care. we both decided it’s worth it.
now it starts out with me being totally in love with her for months at a time and she’s never really even thought about it. it takes a few days and i realize i have to give this time. she starts reading crackhore, learning more about me then i probably want her to know.

it’s been over a week now. she came over the other night after i had taken my unisom and was drinking makers mark. she had to listen to me tell her the hundreds of reasons why she shouldn’t date me or even sleep with me. she doesn’t care…
i’m terrified i’m going to fuck this up with her. i really gotta figure out how to hide this dark side of doubt and self hatred. i’ve let it out a few times and she’s been okay with it but even i’m sick of it.
keep reading. this is just getting started.