I hate being in love

i think about her when i wake up and when i fall asleep to try to dream about her. I have to write about it, knowing no one reads this until I fucking open my wrists but I can’t pull the literal trigger. I can’t tell if she likes me or not but like that never stopped me before.

Love me two times girl, i’m going away.

I have fallen in love with hundreds of women but I think I’m going to go back and try to see if I can seduce her. I’ll let her read this after, it might be cute.

God, her sense of humor and looks. I know she’s too good for me but like maybe I can get her attention. I need to just do it and get the rejection out of the way but i can’t think or predict failure, maybe she’s tossing and turning in bed thinking about me. She’s not but like just humor me.

Not yet, I went for a run yesterday, gotta hit the mat and do the pushups tomorrow but jesus I haven’t desired someone so bad in forever. She was complaining at work being slow and I’m like I can have you onboarded with a email address and a phone number this afternoon and you can be doing this by the pool while smoking weed and drinking vodka by Friday.

It’s cliche to try to build a family style business with people but there is a impulse to pull someone from just pouring drinks for assholes on a Metarie bar to pouring drinks for me by the pool we are laughing and dancing at.

Ugh, I’m going to ask her out. I have it all planned out too, I’m going to buy a ticket to a fundraiser and invite her saying I have a extra ticket if you want to go and a car already arranged. 50/50 chance not optimistic but like scarlet begonias, gotta give a try.

So fucked up, I hate falling for people but you can’t turn it off, just keep trying just because. Just give it one or two more weeks of pushups and try, all she can say is no and move on but it just takes one date to make her think I’m not a horrible investment in time. Or maybe not, the gun is under the pillow and I can stop this nightmare at any time but…I have too many things to do. Suicide isn’t the answer until it is…