these sour times

because nobody loves me

it’s true

not like valerie did…..

I wish aim would record the amount of msgs you get per hour, how many msg you, how many you msg, etc. I’m pretty sure everyone is pretty much giving up on me.  Thanks for all those still hanging in there.  What sucks is i understand how annoying i am and that i’ll probably never pay you back for this. Not until you break up with someone you love. Even then i’ll be drunk and flake out on you.

I sit here and type this with Sliver relaxing in my lap. I wonder if the animals have noticed whats been going on lately.  I know that marla has been excited with the fury of new people coming in and out. Rachel said when she woke up on the couch with Levi sunday morning, that there was a pile of dog toys by the couch.  She said the dog piled them there while they fell asleep.  Fucking marla. She knows when people are too drunk to play, should have known. 

I found out today that one of the people that lives in my building works as a suicide counseler at a local hospital. I almost said “damn thats cool to know, i’ll knock on your door in a few hours after i’m drunk and contemplating my break up with my girlfriend” but my mom was there and thats probably the last thing anyone who works a suicide hotline wants to deal with when he’s off the clock.  I hate building websites for free but i do when someone really needs me.

I thought about that a lot today. He said most people just want to talk and that makes sense.  I’ve been harassing every single person i’ve ever met since friday. I’m really glad i know that because ive thought a few times about the pain in the ass it’s going to be to clean up the blood in this place after i’m done. That would really mess with me if i talked people out of killing themselves all day and then my neighber kills himself. I gotta mention him in suicidenote.txt and say “i knew you dealt with this crap all day at work and didn’t wanna bother you”.

Back to bed to fall into my beer induced coma. I’m really going to try tomorrow and pull myself back together. Just because im not with valerie doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living.

What’s funny is today i think i reached a new point where i’m tired of going “im either making a huge mistake or saving both of us from a lifetime of misery” crap which is eating up my life and liver. This question will be answered with time, with this stupid website as a testament.  Then again i’m probably always going to miserable, regardless of who im fucking, what i’m working on or what i’m drinking.

Well, like Andy Boy said earlier, you gotta drink a few beers to make a update. Just like eggs and oamlettes.