My Evening With Benny Hinn

As i left my house searching for something to occupy my time, i was wearing a random black t shirt, camo shorts and combat boots, typical toad attire of the time. Memphis is a strange city because its easy to get into all kinds trouble which make good stories afterwards, tonight would be one.

My first stop was a gaming store, lots of bored people hang out here on occasion. I needed a partner in crime. I sat around there feeling antsy and wishing for something to do when i saw this week's copy of Playbook(a local newspaper in Memphis which tells what crappy bands are playing and other events of the weekend). I flipped through it and saw that Benny Hinn was having a “show”. Now if you're not familiar with Benny Hinn, he is a “Christina” preacher who fills stadiums for his rantings. This look like it was promising. I grabbed a friend of mine, David, explained my plan and he nervously agreed. We ran out to my car, put in the appropriate cd for seeing a ultra conservative preacher, Megadeath and flew out of the parking lot. My normal mad skillz got us to the stadium in about half an hour. There we saw the flock slowly hobbling towards the huge monument of human technology, the Midsouth Coliseum. The typical Memphis people were out in their normal numbers, white trash, old people, typical useful idiots. David and i walked slowly, not making eye contact with the creatures as they flocked towards the light which is Benny Hinn.

Since Benny Hinn doesn't want money, he wants to help people find Jesus, we just walked in without paying any admission. I couldn't believe my eyes. The entire Coliseum was full. This place seats 6,000, and it was full. Full. Our original plan which we concocted on the drive there, was to sit in the front row and when the healings began we were going to run up on the stage and explain how we were die hard homosexuals and wanted to be healed of our abomination. Denied. We decided to stay anyway, walked up the endless flight of stairs to the nosebleed section, and sat with our backs to the wall. The people around us stared us for a minute and i smiled and sat down and stared straight forward, like a human trying to blend in with a bunch of flesh eating zombies in a old fashioned horror flick.

The stage was decorated with flowers and other such paraphernalia of Jesus but there was still no sign of Billy. I calmed David as he started to feel nervous, if we were discovered it would be all over. Then it began. There was lot of singing dancing and the anti-christ himself walked out onto the stage. He stood there, smiling wearing a white suit and a huge smile. I felt every cell in my body scream “Kill him, now, one shot, one kill.” After the twitching stopped I just sat there and smiled. The irony that i had seen Maynard Keenan stand there singing Opiate was almost too much. Then A little girl about twelve went up on stage and sang a song about Jesus. Everyone clapped. I stood up screaming “crackhore!” and cheering insanely and then sat down when i realized i was bringing undo attention to us. I saw two huge black guys that made Marsellous Wallace look like a wuss meet at the bottom of the great steps and look up at us. I sat down, looked straight forward and continued with my smile. Then came the Bible reading. David turned to me, made a comment about how he forgot our Bible at a volume which probably could have been lower. I dug my fingers into my legs trying not to laugh as a woman sitting in the row in front of us informed us that she had a EXTRA Bible and offered it to us. I handed it to David, he said that this New Testament crap was out of his league and he handed it back to me. I can still remember it, it was really old, covered in a ratty thin sheet with some weird font on the front. I held it and pretended to read it.

After Billy asked if he could get a “Amen” and David and i screaming “CRACKHORE!” in response, the security guards motioned us to come down. We handed the Bible back to the lovely lady in front of us, thanked her for her generosity and walked out with the security guards. They were really nice about it, just escorted us to the door and told us to get lost. We laughed and walked back to the Horemobile and i had trouble talking because my jaw muscles were not used to the stressful activity of smiling. I dropped David off at his car and drove home. The next morning Mothertoad asked what i ended up doing last night. I explained to her my fun night with the Reverend Benny Hinn. She stopped asking what i do at night now.