Month: May 2006

okay now merritt has made me a new picture.  After this last one, i realized need to take the gloves off. i am the photoshop ninja, she’s won the battle but toad is about to win the war. *opens beer.

okay here’s my memorial day weekend and it’s only monday 5:51 am……i went to a really strange house party….like really nice house….full of people i don’t know…..i know rod and josh and if you know they are then we’ll you know kinda weird and strange this is. We come back to Rod’s house which is next to the house party and melissa is there and drunk as shit. she wants to come into rod’s house. rod tells her over and over that she just needs to leave because she’s drunk and probably wants to fuck….well anyone.

it’s 3am and it’s been after a pretty hardcore house party so we’re drinking and smoking, listening to music. she starts knocking on the door. and keeps knocking. and knocking. it starts getting scary cuz none don’t want her to freak and call the police. bitches are crazy.

we start laying down money betting. No way she’s gonna knock till 3:30. Goddamn it, here’s $5. No way she’ll make it to 4. Goddamn it, here’s my last $5. Her knuckles must have been a bloody pulp. Around 4:30 she’s still knocking. Josh and i really don’t to see her and really need to leave and go pass out.  It feels like a zombie movie, she just doesn’t stop knocking. Josh and i try to go out the back door but the door is fucked. No key.

We go fuck it. i think hood for the smoke and we just run out the door. i got my knife in right hand and keys in the left. i dukes of hazard over the hood of max and start the engine. thank god it starts. josh jumps in. since it’s memorial day i grab a bottle of listerine i happen to have in max and take a swig. im swishing it around in my mouth and josh goes “maybe a blowjob from the local cum dumpster might have been a good ending”. This just hits a nerve in my head and i spit up listerine all over the steering wheel and dash of max.

i get back to josh’s house and pass out. he wakes me up at 12:30 when he has to go to work and i stumble out. I come home and go back to sleep, drive to eric’s for a beer. i hangout for a bit and drive to shane and hope’s. they give me 2 xanax and the best chicken ive ever ate. seriously.

i decide to drive back to memphis. i don’t remember any of this drive. apparently i made it back to eric’s party. i don’t remember who is there. i remember this amazing cheeseburger i warmed up which was probably the best cheeseburger ive ever had. like this thing was like jesus on a bun.

the 2 xanax get on top of me and i can’t really type around the rest of the update, going to have to depend on commnts for the rest of this update. Sorry for anything i might have said but besides the nap i had at the other couch, i had been up way too long. and xanax. i sleep.
i woke up quick, at about 5am, just thought i had to be my apartment soon. im in eric and mary’s apartment. they lock their front door and i don’t even want to try to figure out which key does the door and i don’t want to use their keys to lock them in since…wait thats in impossible.

i grab 2 beers from the fridge, drop them into the cargo pants and go outside.

what would jack baur do.

okay i can’t get out the front door so the backdoor is the best option. I walk outside, jump eric’s fence. great in im someone elses parking lot. I jump another fence, this time falling. laying in the grass i laugh because i could just imagine my camera crew behind me like “lol did you get that?”. I stumble to max, he starts, wow,

i drink the first beer and then the 2nd when i get home. 6am. It’s time for the computer, i make a new drink called the zariel, based on the great woman ever, rachel. It consists of room temp vodka and a popsicle. This works people. The stick even stirs up the vodka with the popsicle and….god….it worked out great based on the grammer and spellling mistakes of this update.

so i guess im going to sleep…or walking to circle to buy beer……or take sleeping pills, turn off my phone, lay in my bathtub and cut myself until the websites and pain go away.

i really hoped i closed mary and eric’s back door when i left. “sorry i let your cats outs, lets never talk again, sorry bye” *click*

andyboy confessed to me tonight about his new fondness for gardening. i congratulate him on his honestly. It takes a lot of guts to come out of the closet after all these years.

My friend josh is getting a divorce from his wife and moving out of his dope ass apartment. 1200 sq feet $610, really nice place….i’d totally move in there if i wasn’t broke……give me a call/msg/email if you’re interested and i’ll hook you two up.

Woke up at 4am on the floor of my living room. Yesterday i drank way too much, anyway, thats kinda understood when you’re reading this site. I pour a vodka and cranberry juice(thank you rachel for the cranberry juice, i <3 u), write a great update about jesus(read below) and start to get hungry around 8am. I stumble out of my apartment, there's a note from my landlord regarding the car parts im storing on the porch. So funny. I walk over to Max, get in and and drive to Barksdale's, a place i've heard has a great breakfast. I roll deep in, buttoning up my oil change shirt with a nametag that says Natalie. I got the Hacker hat on, metal spiked bracelet and some camo. Havn't shaved in about a week, havn't showered sine saturday night....smelling of vodka, beer and websites. Sit down at the counter and a really beautiful black nubian princess sits next to me. We start talking and she asks what i do. I turn and say "well, i'm like jesus, but with websites". She gives me her card and procedes to tell me she's just bought a domain and really needs a webdesigner. I tell her despite how i look, i can build a dope ass site. Good times.

Okay lately the da vinci code has been in the news A LOT. This has brought the whole idea of all of this into daily discussion. I don’t want really wanna spend too much time on this update since i’m trying to get some work done but the da vinci code actually does a lot more harm then good. And by good, i mean exposing the lies of the Vatican and that asshole disciple Paul who wrote Mary out of the story.

Look, he fucked that hooker because jesus didn’t judge people like you do. She was hot, she “washed his feet”, owned her with his huge jesus cock. They didn’t have cunt pills or condoms back then so she got knocked up. No wonder they nailed him to the cross. This hippie is talking about peace, love and fucking a hooker.  He didn’t die, fled to France, died there and was buried there.

Anyway, the new movie is really fucking with that because it’s fiction. It’s great because it brings all this shit up for discussion and maybe, someone reading my site, might start to think all the lies told to them by their church, might just be bullshit. The problem is people think it’s all fiction. And it’s not.

Movies can be great tributes. Saving Private Ryan, Titanic, Tora, Tora, Tora…..lots of great movies, well, not Titanic, that were wonderful tributes and honored what had happened.

I think i’m just getting really sick of people on the internet saying “it’s fiction, chill out”. It’s not, it’s a fiction movie based on something that really happened. Maybe this is the first step in people opening their eyes on this matter. Problem is people are taking this shit and thinking it’s totally fiction. It’s not. I can’t believe people buy into the bible crap when there is actual fact that something else happened.

I’m done. Please people, just because something is a work of fiction, it doesn’t mean it’s not based on truth. Got it? okay good.

Okay so i had to get bulbs for Max’s headlights today. I go to the O’Reily’s on Lamar and one of the nice gentlemen help me out with and give me the right bulbs which the fuckers at Autozone couldn’t help me with. I walk outside and a really dirty black dude comes up to me and asks me if “this is my machine”. I tell him yeah, just getting some new bulbs. He offers to put them in and since i’m about as good with hardware as i am with Spanish, i say sure. He puts the bulbs in for me, talking about his time in Iraq and how he has a CRX at home and loves um.

Suddenly i hear what sounds like a gun shot. Probably just a car backfiring…..i look across the street and see some dude holding up a handgun and some woman running. The guy helping me with my bulbs, Cliff, looks up at me and says “aww mane it’s just Orange Mound, nothing to be scared of”. Now im wearing a red and white hawaiian shirt, camo pants, black Hacker hat and the metal spiked bracelet. I play it off like “naw i ain’t scared but i think she should be.” He says naw, no one is gonna fuck with that woman unless they got a death wish. I don’t even ask what this means.

I give him $2 and tell him to buy a 40 on me and he asks what i do for a living. I tell him i sling websites and give him a card. He says he’ll give me a call later when they start getting fucked up later.

I like meeting new friends.

nagin won? wow……ummm well…..i blame lizzy for this….she touched him and he wins……wow….after chocolate city…it’s like bush winning…..i guess black people really do vote….in new orleans. no that’s racist. no wait it’s not. did any white people vote for nagin? man i just don’t get it. sure whatever.

chocolate city, seriously, wtf.i don’t even know what to say on this topic now, it’s just mind blowing…..so awesome