i have a lot to say and my natural add makes me dart back and forth from telling you what happened monday and my loathing and self depression. This update reads kind of weird and i probably repeat myself a lot because theres a lot of emotion and i just want to get it all out on text. sorry in advance.

Everyone remember that tight Honda i had, with the nice rims, the mp3 player, etc that was in decent condition besides the fact that both the windows were non functional? the passenger side window wouldn’t even roll up all the way so i was having to use a plastic bag when it rained. i still liked the car tho. definetely could have sold it and got some good money.

Well i was going home, pulling onto a on ramp on i240 which i took just a tad bit too fast. I hit mr light pole, spin off of that, hit another light pole on the other side of the car, this one kind of being the death blow to the back of my car. People keep asking me how fast i was going when i tried to take the on ramp but when you’re spinning you don’t really take notes. The weird thing is with both collisions, i managed to save the front of the car, the engine, the part that is worth the most.

now i am a bad driver and the situation that occured that night had happened once before about 2 months ago when i slid off a on ramp, i drive thru like 100 yards of grass, get back on the interstate and went about my life. i had valerie with me too. it was a pretty major high regaining control after that spin out.


police show up, nice police, and only because of the color of my skin they don’t take me to jail. if they knew anything about me, they wouldn’t have let me go.

oh and i lost my glasses in the wreck so the only computer i can somewhat operate is my laptop.

needless to say, my life is pretty fucked up. this has been on top of a general depression ive had, thinking life was fucked up before. always get kicked when you are down has been my experience.

my options so far have been

a) eat lots of pills, finish jug of wine, last update, put on The End, and wave goodbye

b) fix credit enough to get car loan or buy shady used car, salvage old car for whatever the engine is and parts are worth, get a new car, have a car note but at least i can leave the apartment and get clients.

Those are my options at this point. I can’t, as much as i want to, undo what happened but when you’re fucked you’re fucked. there is no control z.

anyway, the only reason im sticking with b is because the whole car wreck thing turned out a lot better then it could have. there was amazing luck that night and this is the 2nd time ive had really really amazing luck, so i’ve figured ive been kept around for something. im going to push someone out of the way of a bus and that person is going to cure cancer or something because this amount of luck is not only uncanny but almost to the point of obscene.

i was saved only by the grace of god and Alex coming to pick me up. If it wasn’t for alex, option A would have definetely been the plan. i have to stick with option b because there has to be a reason i’ve made it through this bad bad situation so far and only came out of this with a cracked rib, a totalled car and loads of self loathing and depression. i couldn’t have lucked out for no reason this many times…..

anyway, you can wallow and brood but when you can’t do anything else i guess you can just update.

i probably should find a ride out to Poplar and hunt thru the grass and see if i can find my glasses. this has been the worst part about the whole thing. i think if i had my glasses i’d feel a lot better. then i could work and we all know i have lots of stuff to work on(this site, other sites) and we all know work is the best, free and most powerful drug and actually will help this situation.

i can’t watch tv, can’t use my workstation, can’t watch movies. i havn’t tried reading books and i’ve gone thru just about all the websites i wanna check out.

i havn’t shaved in weeks and don’t plan on doing it for a long time. shaving is for people who have cars and plan on leaving the house. shaving is also for people who have girlfriends and i can’t see mine since she’s also carless, yet another reason im looking more like Ted Kesinky(sp) with everyday.

it’s weird when you get in situations where your life is pretty much ruined, your mind keeps grasping for straws to keep from letting option A seep in. First off you think about how lucky you are, you think of the luck you had. I am going to type these out, mostly just as a reference point to keep the thought of “your life is pretty fucked up, probably won’t get better for a long time” out of my head as much as possible.

Instead of praying to jesus or whatever, i am praying to my own god by listing out the fact that i recognize the following things about my life after monday night. By listing them i feel like ive at least given props to whatever luck i have left.

a: nice cops that didn’t feel like crushing my life, just gave me a ticket

b: not black, which made cops nice, otherwise this update might not be here, i hate that the color of my skin saved me but it’s Memphis

c: alex answering his phone, picking me up, driving me to tow truck place, being able to get the thousands of dollars worth of laptops, cameras and
technology i carry with me out of my car before the tow truck guy got to get a new laptop

e: only one part of my body seems to be damaged, it hurts to take deep breaths but i think it’s just a bruised rib. people keep saying “you could be dead” but to me that just sounds like “yeah it could have been more convient cuz im fucked right now”

f: jason left a jug of wine for me to drink this weekend

g: my girlfriend doesn’t realize her boyfriend is a total fuckup(may after this update) and is still talking to me

h: my monthly bills really are not that much as it is, so a car note won’t hurt too bad

i: i am self employed, i am the only obstacle between myself and success, and we need success now

j: i have a handful of friends with cars that have helped me get new glasses(werd to sek) and alex(who drove out to tow truck place and helped me remove my mp3 player from the car before the tow truck guys did it themselves and said ‘what mp3 player’) and the other friends who havn’t been called upon yet, but will help me

k: i can work from home forever, as long as i have a phone, email and internet i can fix my life. if i worked at taco bell and totalled my car, i’d be taking the bus or some bullshit, but i would have pulled the trigger before it got to that anyway.

l: i have 2 gigs of 80’s music that i’ve ripped from shoutcast

kristen’s birthday

god i just lost this post. having to rewrite. ugh

okay, lets recap past 2 days. get comfortable.

i can’t say the company’s name because of google reasons but i work for my dad’s company. they do cabling, running cable, etc. i make websites under their name. two different things, 2 different companies.

However yesterday, one of their cablers, his first day on the job, fell off a ladder while drilling a hole into a concrete ceiling. breaks wrist and the drill he was holding almost fell. I feel like i’m taking the place of a new Iraqi goverment job. Death is all around me. I am scared. I eat a valium the first morning, things go well.

So now the boss’s son is here. he has 2 cabling jobs of experience on his resume. i have soft hands, i like my keyboard and mouse and mp3s. I feel extreme pity for him being stuck with me. It’s like the equalivant of someone paying me the time of 2 people to make a website, but one of them happens to be German Shepherd that can carry stuff.

i mostly just carry stuff around, hold ladders, while the real guy who does this real scary saw work. Finally today he made me get up on the ladder, use the scary drill that almost killed someone 24 hours ago, and drill the holes.

While drilling i had a total “control 7” face going, the pwning of concrete with my power drill. Then i noticed i was getting concrete in my mouth, eyes, etc. Was great.

The day drags on.

I get home and im fucking tired. Not enough sleep plus physical moving. So tired. I crush up a Darvocet and plan on staying in and catching up on sleep and the beer i have in the fridge.

Alex calls, says it’s Kristen’s birthday and they are going to Julians for food, drinks and fun. I open another beer and he drives us down there.

Beer and cheesefries at flying saucer, then the whiskey and water’s flowed. I was seriously fucked up, like shouldn’t be in public. Alex has a good buzz, i am very proud of him, but Kristen is sober as a monk.

She’s vibrating at a totally different level and in my whiskey fury, well, i’m getting ahead of myself.

Lately it’s been getting worse with my lack of respect of…anything.

Kristen is playing skee ball(sp), i turn grab a ball, snteak up on the hole, drop it in the highest point, stumble away, acting casually.

This is only the beginning.

Kristen, Alex and I decide to all play some air hockey. In my frame of mind, air hockey involved blocking shows with your chest by sliding onto the table, using both hands, etc.

No one can stop Kristen.

She pwns me and Alex game after game and i end up stealing her one of the air hockey paddles.

Before we go home i demand that Kristen gets a buzz on her birthday.

Like it got kinda serious. I wasn’t kidding.

They go to the car and i head to Wet Willies. Now for you none brothers of my nation of memphis, Wet Willies just has slushy overpriced PGA drinks. I fucking love them tho. I can’t explain what PGA drunk is like because, well, the next morning you usually wake up with your shoes still on and no recollection of even having a Call A Cab.

Yup, bought Kristen a Call A Cab from Wet Willies. Alex talked to me today and said she finished it before they got back this place.

I get 2 new ashtrays.

Everyone wins.

Happy 20th Kristen.

the mlgw incident

I’ve recently decided it’s time to stop giving a fuck about things anymore. Life has recently reached it’s peak, it’s not going to get any better or any worse. Then i’ll die. And that would be worse. Anway, It is now up to me and my website to leave a small mark on the splotch of humanity so that at least a few years after i’m worm food, my ancestors, if my sister has any, can read about their uncle toad.

That aside, let me begin.

a typical monday, i drove valerie home, generally depressed that it’s a monday, and that i have a bunch of work to do but i’m waiting on everyone else to catch up with what i’ve done. so i sit around and mope and brood until i get a e-mail to do something. doesnt’ help my mood much as u can imagine.

after i dropped valerie off, i decided since there’s hardly anything to do work wise, i’ll grab some lunch, read a paper and head over to alex’s and kick it with him. i drive around, staring at the red lights, wishing i had a reason to live. if god could just drop me a e-mail or a voicemail, giving me a purpose besides living, breathing, eating, shitting and dying.

one of those days, you’ve read the site, we got years of this.

anyway. i pick up a 40 and head to alex’s.

when i get to alex’s, it sounds like someone else is having a shit day too. his power is out. no ac, no internet, nuthin. he of course calls, they tell him that mlgw has stopped accepting his auto-pay and that when he calls the 1-800 number, they say they no longer accept payments by phone, etc. only pament centers. as we walk to alex’s car, i start to put my 40 in the fridge. he says he doesn’t give a fuck, bring it along, it’s not like i’m driving.

payment centers = fucking ghetto


i sip mah fourty down i-240 as go to one of the payment stations.
now my site really sucks for citizens who are not of Memfrica because i reference places and areas that seem foreign to a read out of town but are hilarious to those who know this god foresaken city.

now the closet “payment center” is on fucking Lamar. we have other options, which is “lol” summer avenue and another somewhere off shelby drive, so we go to Lamar. let me sum up Lamar in a small paragraph. now imagine a ghetto, but a ghetto that has mostly been abandoneded. empty buildings with for sale signs, cars left on side of road, just a fucking shit hole part of town in between the boundaries of Tenneseee and Mississiippi. just a shit part of town that is getting worse.

there’s a HUGE line for the payment center, since they lock their doors at 6, we all stand outside in the sweltering heat, anxious to pay thru the little ATM.

Finally the heat or boredom gets to me and i walk back to his car and get my 40 of Bush. I mean shit, i’m on fucking Lamar, standing in line at MLGW with a bunch of my fellow black race, no one is going to give a fuck.

This is when shit gets exciting.

I sip silently, with a brown bag, hiding the fact that it actually is beer, minding my own business. Not waving my arms in the air screaming about how i’m hardcore, really just being a good freedom loving citizen. I’m about 3/4ths of the way done, and i notice some chick with a badge on her shirt. just a security guard, no warning signs go off. A few minutes pass and Alex taps me on the shoulder and says says “hey i think there’s a real cop inside”.

I look inside and see a HUGE, like i’m talking two slave owners got together and said “lets build a super slave” kind of big bald black guy. MLGW uniform, gun, everything. Really didn’t see him. Now he’s talking to into his shoulder mounted radio and is now walking towards me.

Not Win (n.) The act of not winning.

Now as my site shows, which will someday be used against me a court of law, i am a ninja at drinking at public. I have moves that you fucks havn’t even thought of yet. This is nothing i havn’t delt with.

I perform a “Hide the 40 behind my thigh and stand around like i’m not doing anything wrong” move but it’s too late. He motions me towards him. I shuffle over and he says, and this is the best part is because i remember every word, since this is now one of the highlights of my life and whispers “What the hell do you think your doing?”.

I figure, he’s black, he’s on my side, I can reason with him. These are my people.

I look him dead in the eye, not a hint of fear or guilt in my eyes, “Well, it’s just really hot and we’re all standing in line, i’m not causing any harm, just wanted to finish this off.” I go on about the heat, how we’re all out here and not happy about it and i’m not causing any fuss/harm.

At this point I think i actually throw him off guard. He was expecting a “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK, I’M CRACKTOAD, BITCH, ORANGE MOUND, SON, RESPECT”.

I repeat the previous “not harming nuthin” sentence and he pulls out his badge and asks me if i know what it is. I respond that i know exactly what it is. I politely ask if he’d like me to throw it away in the trashcan which is a few feet from us to resolve the situation…well…erupting.

Now this is the part that kinda fucks with me, instead of asking me to throw it away, which i was totally willing to do, and instead of being beaten to a bloody pulp for all the things i’ve done to his race, he simply asks me to take it back to my car.

I can’t drink in public but the car is fine. Check.

At this point Alex is trying at all costs to avoid any relation to me, now has to talk. He tells the cop that he’s driving and that it’s his car that i’m putting my 40 in. At least i’m not driving drunk. We’ll, until i leave Alex’s later. Anyway, as i walk to his Prelude my face, it takes every ounce of effort not to laugh outloud at the situation, since it’s truely, well, god i don’t even know. As i walk back, i put my “i’m sorry” face back on, sit on the rail, make small talk with my other new friends in line. Alex pays his bill and we leave Lamar.

We get to the car and the laughter continues for a good 20 minutes on the drive back.

As soon as we get back to his apartment, I stumble out of his car with my beer and we happen to see a MLGW truck. Alex flags him down. Toad, learning from his previous MLGW experience, walks the other way and roundevous(sp?) back his apartment after the leet MLGW guy hooks his power on.

As i drove home it occurs to me that I might have a problem.

Not with public intoxication, alcohol or drug abuse, but with the fact that my day sucks unless a near jail/death incident occurs.

Please comment with advice/help.

witches burning, getting toasty

i saw a man with a ladder and a van near my house today.

thru previous posts you can tell that’s my internet’s version of “a large bald black man with a bandanna was fondling my genitals”

he was from bellsouth, which means, the worst he can do is take down my phones with his stupidity.

i just woke up, still luded and drunk, climb on fence and ask him if my phone is going to work after he’s done. says he’s doing maintenance.

god sometimes you don’t come through.

happens to nobody else

a week ago i was tapping out my one hitter, it’s what i use to smoke tobacco out of, against my lighter, to loosen the tobacco resin that had built up. the end of the (tobacco) one hitter and it fucking exploded.

a loud pop, lighter goes one way, tobacco one hitter goes the other. the heat from the tip of the tobacco hiter was just strong enough to melt just enough plastic to react with the lighter fluid.

the worst part about the experience is it feels like im explaining a alien abduction. i try to explain it to other tobacco users and they laugh and say “naw that’s never happened, that’s fucked up”

now it’s a update on my site.

god the internet is so useless

i need a real job


just got off the phone with my grandmother, the oldest of my kin, thanking her for the check she sent me for my birthday. i asked how she’d been and she says “well when you’re my age theres only one place to go and that’s down”.

it was weird talking to her because im sure she has a very prestine image of her grand son, not knowing the lunatic who is on the other line of her who is on the edge of his nerves.

i couldn’t imagine 60 more years of this.


drink beer while shaving, get to meeting 45 minutes late, proposal is a diaster, won’t have a check for me for weeks. hot as fuck, waste gas, stink of memphis all over.

get home, yay, e-mail from project manager, we’re tearing down the homepage for a site i havn’t been paid a dime for. for the 4th time. yay. more hours i have to spend. need to ask for more money, this is gay.

eats valium, puts ice in drink left over from monday night. listen to disk 1 of the wall, finished with drink and flowing content into stupid other site.