these sour times

because nobody loves me

it’s true

not like valerie did…..

I wish aim would record the amount of msgs you get per hour, how many msg you, how many you msg, etc. I’m pretty sure everyone is pretty much giving up on me.  Thanks for all those still hanging in there.  What sucks is i understand how annoying i am and that i’ll probably never pay you back for this. Not until you break up with someone you love. Even then i’ll be drunk and flake out on you.

I sit here and type this with Sliver relaxing in my lap. I wonder if the animals have noticed whats been going on lately.  I know that marla has been excited with the fury of new people coming in and out. Rachel said when she woke up on the couch with Levi sunday morning, that there was a pile of dog toys by the couch.  She said the dog piled them there while they fell asleep.  Fucking marla. She knows when people are too drunk to play, should have known. 

I found out today that one of the people that lives in my building works as a suicide counseler at a local hospital. I almost said “damn thats cool to know, i’ll knock on your door in a few hours after i’m drunk and contemplating my break up with my girlfriend” but my mom was there and thats probably the last thing anyone who works a suicide hotline wants to deal with when he’s off the clock.  I hate building websites for free but i do when someone really needs me.

I thought about that a lot today. He said most people just want to talk and that makes sense.  I’ve been harassing every single person i’ve ever met since friday. I’m really glad i know that because ive thought a few times about the pain in the ass it’s going to be to clean up the blood in this place after i’m done. That would really mess with me if i talked people out of killing themselves all day and then my neighber kills himself. I gotta mention him in suicidenote.txt and say “i knew you dealt with this crap all day at work and didn’t wanna bother you”.

Back to bed to fall into my beer induced coma. I’m really going to try tomorrow and pull myself back together. Just because im not with valerie doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living.

What’s funny is today i think i reached a new point where i’m tired of going “im either making a huge mistake or saving both of us from a lifetime of misery” crap which is eating up my life and liver. This question will be answered with time, with this stupid website as a testament.  Then again i’m probably always going to miserable, regardless of who im fucking, what i’m working on or what i’m drinking.

Well, like Andy Boy said earlier, you gotta drink a few beers to make a update. Just like eggs and oamlettes.

this is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time

wow i really wish i hadn’t lost all my friends.

what are you going to do with all your time, toad?

First sunday without valerie, what do you do.  You’re so limited to where you can go. No one wants to spend time with you because all you do is bitch about how lonely you are. Kinda makes me feel good about being a good boyfriend while i was with valerie. Cuz if i hadn’t been, i would have already been laid/and or find a new girlfriend. But no, i don’t know anyone in this butthole city and i need to just troll myspace and get it over with.  Fucking internet. Why can’t people feel okay without having someone to abuse?


So i have this thing about wearing shirts with other people’s names on it. Steve James, Natalie, Lola, there are so many aliases that its’ gonna take the FBI years to track it down. I wore my Natalie “mechanic shirt” to a goth night.

 It was like cross dressing in the smallest percentage.

I walk into the wrong bathroom(no doors or signs) and pee. I walk out and im like “oh hi, hot goth girl, um” and walks off. It didn’t hit me unti later when Levi was like “dude your shirt says natalie, you can go in there”.

I’m so afraid im going to just repeat my same mistakes.

So it’s 3:21am on a sunday morning.  There are 2 16 oz’s of budlight in my fridge and no one is responding aim.

This isn’t content, and we’re not a site, we’re 5 middle fingers on a your mouse hand!

God, my goth karoake bar is going to own memphis.

fuck yeah

okay lets start this out around 6am.  I lost my keys. Like in a very serious way.  After the last update, it’s no surprise i can’t find my keys. I start from the front of the apartment and work my way back.  I call Caryn and she says she doesn’t remember me doing anything crazy with my keys so check the usual places.

 I’m not going into the details of checking the couches twice, etc, but i started to lose it. I almost started crying. I felt so trapped, fucking beer leading to shit like this.  Anyway, i FINALLY find my keys and walk to the celtic crossing. Didnt’ see a seat the bar and didn’t see any friends so it’s off to the deli. I drink a few pabst here and kinda bond with the other people there cuz they are watching a memphis state game, woo hoo, go home team, blah. I read a memphis flyer and started to draw.

I text message Levi to see what he’s doing.  He’s going to the goth night at liquid lounge.  Sure, i’ll go.  Levi and Rachel take my drunk ass up there and basically it’s almost impossible to put into words what takes place.  To make things even more intresting, my friend Tarrance, T, who i havn’t seen in years goes.

God, i could write for hours about tonight.  I sketched notes about how i “felt” the whole night, sitting on desk, i need to scan them. This is stuff worse then when i was in the bus station in florida. 

 Anyway, girls start to show up around midnight. Someone told me her name but i don’t remember and it doesn’t matter. She’s basically wearing a little see through skirt, stockings and no underwear.

 She’s a lesbian so she’s making out with girls and a male(friend) who is now instantly my hero. I just can’t get over the fact that this girl is naked and i can see her ass. Like I can see the part of her ass that you don’t normally see.  Like if we were at a strip club, then okay, she’s a “stripper” and it gives it a certain off limits, like “i can’t touch her unless i can cough up enough for a lapdance”. 

Anyway, the real defining moment of tonight was the alleyway showdown before we got to the bar.  We pull into a 1 lane alleyway off a major street, highland ave, for my memphis kids. A white explorer starts to pull out of the one way street, so it’s basically like “okay, who’s going to puss out first”. It’s so much more dangerous for us to back out on to highland, almost on the par of suicide. He can back out straight from where he is, into his spot and he’s fine.

We are all like “no fuck him, make him back up”.  We sit there for like 45 more seconds. I’m just shaking my head saying “no fuck this, fuck him, he’s backing up, not risking our lives on this bullshit”. Levi and Rachel are like “your right, fuck him” and we sit there.  About a minute into it i start to go “okay, should i go say “look, we’re not moving, back the fuck up” and maybe end this earlier.

He backed up tho.


I’m not going to even mention how i took my shirt off at the liquid lounge and hit on some poor girl who will hopefully not return my calls.  God is after me and he’s catching up.

Champale Red Berry

Champale Red Berry

After i finished the Extra Dry and Golden Champale, I figure, lets just get the last one of out of the way. The clerk at the store seemed surprised that they even carried it. I should have took that as a sign. Luckily the previous 2 Champale’s gave me enough courage to try it anyway.

This one however, tasted nothing like it’s brothers. The best way i can describe Red Berry Champale is if you took Cherry Koolaid and mixed with tonic water and beer. I choke down half of it and throw it the rest in the fridge. The next night, after drinking a Miller High Life, the laziness takes control and I finish the Red Berry out of pure boredom.

Toad’s ghetto beer review opinion? I give Champagne Red Berry a 3 hairpicks out of 10. This was horrible. It really didn’t even feel like I was drinking anything in the beer family. This is one step above Zima and 6 steps behind everything else.

.:Champale Red Berry

4 hairpicks out of 10

Champale Golden

Champale Golden

Ugh, after polishing off the Champale Extra Dry, I run through rain, jump in my car and drive back to the Circle K. A new clerk was working this shift, it being 2-3 hours later. I walk to the cooler and decide that since I already tried one Champale, I might as well try them all tonight. I grab a Golden Champale and a Red Berry Champale and figure this should do me good for the rest of the evening.

I get home, forgo the regular chilling, and crack it open. It tasted a lot like the Extra Dry but with a less tonic watery taste. It tasted more like beer. Ian describes Golden Champale as crisp and dry, like a sweet apple. I however didn’t think it tasted anything like a apple. It tasted like just about any other malt beverage, nothing really special.

Toad’s ghetto beer review opinion? I give Champagne Golden a 8 hairpicks out of 10. This was pretty good for being considered a “lesser beer”. I could actually see myself buying this if i was in a mood for it. If i was in the mood for it again.

.:Champale Golden

8 hairpicks out of 10

Champale Extra Dry

Champale Extra Dry

With the return of the Ghetto Beer reviews, i chose Champale Extra Dry. I think. Anyway, i roll up into my local Circle K, with rap music “bumping” and grab a 40 of Champagne Extra Dry. I was walking up to the counter, pondering the label “extra dry”, thought about asking the black clerk what it meant, then decided against it.

Now taking my knowledge gained from the previous ghetto beer challenges, i threw the forty in the freezer to chill it down to my cracker ass tolerance. I crack it open and take a sip. It kinda tasted like beer but it had like a crackle to it. Like the way Zima or any of those other fag beers kinda tastes. I want to say minty but it has more like a tonic water kinda tingle to it. The buzz is, well, typical of a domestic beer, kinda disappointing actually. The taste is cool, like if you’re in the mood for beer but sick of just the normal beer taste.

Toad’s ghetto beer review opinion? I give Champagne Extra Dry a 6 hairpicks out of 10. Like it tastes good and everything, but i don’t have that “I want to commit a drive by or sell narcotics feel” that i was expecting from a quality ghetto beer.

.:Champale Extra Dry

6 hairpicks out of 10


So valerie and i had a talk last night.  The cycle needs to stop, we’re going different ways for a while. She leaves. I feel really bad for all my friends because i’m tired of putting them through this. I’m tired of hearing myself bitch about it.  It was so obvious what i was doing with her, just trying to mold her into what i wanted instead of risking the loneliness of being single.  It’s going to be really easy for her to get over me because it’s going to be so easy to treat her better then i have. Going to suck paying for bigger apartment….maybe i should post something on craigslist…anyway..walk to the deli with the tablet and sit there and drink by myself. and talk on aim.

I picked up my phone and called Caryn.  Caryn came up and listened to me bitch about everything and then took me out drinking. It’s nice to have friends. She sat and listened to be bitch and moan about this tired old story.  We leave the deli and go to Hoa Po’s(sp), a vietnamese resturant during the day, but they’ve started letting bands play there at night.  Really weird.   I really forgot how much I enjoyed seeing a live band. Then we go to Murphey’s to hear another band.  Really wish i could remember their name because it was pretty intense.

So much Pabst. I really love blacking out.  I have these cuts and bruises from the last few weeks of drinking. It’s going to be so sad to read these posts when im in the hospital waiting for a liver cuz i need a transplant.

Just ate a apple.  It’s funny how apples are like the exact opposite of beer.  Now i can save this post on a good note.

web fucking jesus

Yesterday was kinda fucked up, like truely a good day in what will soon be my short and lonely life. Started drinking Pabst at the deli at 11am with Levi who just got back from Iraq. Played i dunno how many games of pool, drank a lot, talked about everything from body armor to female Islamic snipers.

Ive been kind of on a bender lately because the web jesus life has been paying off and i’m actually feeling these little bursts of manic happiness. It’s all a act to hide how I’m really tearing myself up because of Valerie.  Last night poor Mary listened to me bitch and moan about whether or not i should leave my loving girlfriend.  Then i vaguely remember her shoving me down in the parking lot. It’s still early and Eric is online yet but i’m reallly going to have to get the details on that.

I can tell the end is pretty much around the corner, it’s been a fun.  I’ve had a really good time. Shouldn’t have drank so much.  Anniex0r called me at 3:45am this morning and left a message and after hearing it i can’t really tell you what she was calling for or what the message was “about”. I’m so glad i didn’t answer all drunk off import beer, depressed and manic, that would have been a conversation we both would have really regretted.

I should call her later. I take comfort in other people’s pain and you have to be in pain if you’re calling me drunk at 4am. I am a confirmed drunk dialer and i know what can be said and the damage that can be done. I’m sure she’s fine, but it’s how i still really worry about people, even when they are someone i should not be answering calls from. Like i can search this site for annie and see the torment and pain i’ve felt from that evil girl. I guess i can still worry about her.

She’s shaped me to the wonderful person i am today. < /sarcasm>

 Yeah so today i’m reallly going to start eating again. Food is so important, people. You can drink as much as you want but you really gotta eat or else the drinking will stop, and so will the fun breathing. I’m trying to figure out what i really wanna eat because it’s really important to really want what you’re eating when you havn’t done it in days.