Tremont Photography Workshop

I left that Friday for Tremont, half a bottle of wine stolen from a reception at the office the night before, a flask of whiskey, 6 sleeping pills, my digital camera and my backpack full of goodies.

The wine was drank before i even got to Jackson, TN. Opening a bottle of wine with your teeth, while flying down the interstate at 95mph and pouring it into a water bottle is the very defination of skillz. The bottle goes out the window to get rid of the evidence and then 2 beers and 3 cd's later, i get there.

I miss the first dinner so i walk into the first lecture on how to take better photographs. They all break for coffee and tea, then it's off to bed at….10pm. I get to the bunks and notice that everyone has sleeping bags, pillows, towels and flipflops to wear in the shower. I had my flask, my laptop and a hoodie. A crackhore.com shirt found in my trunk soon becomes my pillow and the hoodie becomes a makeshift blanket. I end up staying up almost the whole night since i havn't gone to bed sober before 10pm since 7th grade.

I walk out into the cafeteria, hunting for anything i can mix my whiskey with. After finding a few cartons of milk, it appears that decafinated coffee and whiskey will be my drink of choice. I sit outside in the dark, drink my vile drink and chain smoke trying to force myself to pass out.

The lights come up at 5am. I feel worse then i expected. I sit at the breakfast table with my headphones on listening to Dark Side Of The Moon, guzzling coffee waiting for breakfast to be served. I take the headphones off for a second and still hear Pink Floyd. Panic starts to set in before i realize that the cafeteria lady is listening to the same album on her stereo. What the fuck.

We eat, shoot the pictures of the sunrise and come back for lunch and more lectures. We then head out into the woods for more pictures. Fairly uneventful, pictures turned out nice tho.

more chat

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you: i am hurt and confused. I was in a chat session earlier and they informed me that the domain im trying to transfer was under the username but when i try to login with that it says it doesn’t recognize the username 🙁
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you: 🙁 okay
support: May I have your User ID and Password please ?
you: well, they said the username was and i don’t remember the password so i was just gonna click on the “forgot password” thing but it said it doesn’t recognize my username at all
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you: yay thank you!
you: you were a lot better then the last support person
you: or maybe you’re the same one
you: do you remember me?
you: 🙁 k
support: No. I dont know you. Any way. thanks. 🙂
support: Is there anything else I can help you with?
you: hmm well the check engine light has been on in my 96 Honda Civic EX, i replaced the fuel pressure regulator but the assholes at the dealership said it’s the fuel pressure sensor…you know how to install one of those?
you: damn it’s still not letting me login 🙁
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you: oh no wait, there it goes
you: yay thanks for your help

omg hahaha

gawd, so i setup this domain for a lady for a quickie website but the nameservers are fucked up. I get on their little live chat thing to ask them how the hell to change the servers over.

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support: Welcome to chat service, there is a live person responding to your service inquiries. Please wait a moment while we route you to the next available service person, depending on the volume this can take several minutes.
support: Hello. How may I assist you?
you: i’m trying to edit my nameserver settings but the domain doesn’t show up in the Domain Manager
you: not happy 🙁
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you: editedofthesakeoftheclient.com
support: Could you please hold on for a moment, while we research this issue ?
you: sure thing
support: May I have your User ID and Password please ?
you: username: cracktoadupinthispiece
you: password: ilikebeer
support: This domain is registered to account :
you: oh weird, so i gotta login in with that?
you: damn it, okay
support: Yup.
you: god i feel so stupid now
you: i don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes
you: im gonna go cut myself and try loging in again
you: thanks for your help 🙂
you: do you have aim?
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you: mmmm pills
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you: 🙁 k

Meanwhile, outside toad’s house

well, the weekend begins.

*thud*

Last night was pretty intresting tho. I walk outside around 11pm to let marla pee and i see my neighber and about 4 of his friends. Everyone has a 40, most have hat turned around backwards, bumping rap music from a late model red Firebird. It’s loud.

I sit and talk with my neighber’s girlfriend and her friends when this guy rushes out into the parking lot from no where. He walks right up to my neighber’s friend, who has his hat turned sideways and a 40 in his hand.

He screams CAN YOU READ THIS HAT?

My neighber’s friend says “No hold on, can almost see it”.

Everyone tries really hard not to laugh.

The guy screams IT SAYS OFFICE OF THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY! I CAN HAVE POLICE HERE IN 3 MINUTES.

My neighber’s friends start franticly apoligizing and shaking his hand. The guy goes on for a few more sentences about how other people are trying to sleep, etc and then tries to be cool with him. He’s like “hey but it’s a pretty nice system eh!”. I’m clawing into my legs trying not to laugh at this point. The angry hat neighber leaves and i turn to my neighber’s girlfriend and say “God, i’m really surprised marla didn’t run up and start jumping on him when he showed up”. Ugh, wish i would have had my camera….

burn berlin burn!

tonight when you’re watching the news, if you happen to see the Honda dealership on Mendenhall in flames, you’ll know it was me.

I hate these fuckers with a passion I saved only for people who spam me.

So my engine light comes on, had the car 3 months, i’m like “No big deal, thats what warranties are for”. They say the fuel pressure regulator, the thing that keeps your gas tank pressured(yeah wtf), is proper fucked.

$320.99 job.

Warranty doesn’t cover it.

I say the hell with that, get the part replaced at Xtreme Auto for $120. I’m grinning ear to ear, happy with the knowledge that someone tried to fuck me and i squirmed away.

The morning I leave the smokies, the engine light comes back on. I curse every known diety, drive back to Memphis and this time they say it’s the fuel pressure SENSOR. I’m like “oh okay”. I’m comparing the 2 receipts, wondering what the fuck is going on. I take the car in today, the sensor costs about $380 to install. I sigh, pick up my car and call Xtreme again…..

to be continued

hmm

had a doctor’s appointment at 7:30am…..was going 60 down Park trying to get there in time, get there with a minute to spare….

i walk in, get put in a little room and this nurse comes into the room all cheery and happy. First thing she says she’s gonna do is take some blood. She rolls up my sleeve to tie the rubber band and sees all the cuts and scars on my arm. We make eye contact and i smile.

She places the needle against my arm and says “okay this is gonna hurt” and i say “naw, i like needles”. She laughs, says she likes the piercings and jams the needle in.

I procede to the next obstacle, the urine test. She hands me my cup, even spells my name right on it and says “okay, gimmie some pee”. I go into the bathroom with my little cup and notice the tiny door in the wall where you’re supposed to leave your cup-o-urine. It’s even got a paper towel in there. It’s scary to think people spill.

It takes me a while cuz I hate being forced to pee for someone. I think for a second what she would say if i filled the cup to the brim with diarrhea and leave it for her in the little door.

Finally, the pee comes, after staring at the cute little elephants on the wallpaper in the bathroom. I wonder if i gave them enough. It would have ruled to fill that thing up to the top with it spilling out over the sides…

Then it’s on to the Honda dealership. I tell the guy the extent of my problems, give him my keys and wait for the courtesy van. I sit down with my fellow Honda drivers and scan the room. The girl next to me has a laptop open so instantly, i fantasize about what it would be like to fuck her. I casually mention to her that the Covington Pike Honda dealership has Internet access. She doesn’t respond.

Bitch.