oh you mean mah bike

cnn article

Pop’s tripping, man.

He want me to ask for my bike back.

You know I wouldn’t trip.

What bike?

Time trial bike, one of a kind… the one I let you use, the one I been asking you about.

Oh, that bike.

I didn’t know you wanted it back, homie.

It’s right here. Follow me, homes.

Yeah, it’s just like it’s both of ours. We just keep it down at my house.

That’s my bike, punk!

open wrists talk back again

last night i celebrated the death and resurrection of christ by drinking more beer….people are giving me more details about saturday.

apparently you’re not allowed to touch the strippers. no one ever told me that….except jesus….blah anyway…don’t touch them. thank you levi for taking care of me…and paying off that bouncer…..im not going to platinum anymore…valerie can have that bar too….

i really just want to chain myself to my desk to keep me from going out and performing my acts against christ. think im going to shower instead.

so i bought a wooden sword on saturday…..not sure why and what service it functions but i needed a sword.

stalk stalk stalk

platinum minus

Well our platinum plus journey is over. I’m probably jinxying everyone by saying this cuz i’m not sure if merritt, levi and rachel or sek got home okay but everything was okay when i left. fucking platinum.

They had a pussy eating contest at one point which i navigated the crowd to get a closer look. Ppeople were balling up dollar bills and throwing them at them while they “made love” to each other’s holes. I threw a balled up $1 bill with perfect arc and range and it nails this girl in the face while she’s face deep in her co-worker. They are professionals tho, she stopped for half a second and continued to chow down. It was just cool because it had a little bit of interactivity with nailing her in the face with a george washington. I’m so easily entertained.

God that place is vile, like you sit down in the chair and you wonder how many stds are just growing and fermenting in the seat. Everyone had a pretty good time, i really regret going to the bathroom tho. All kinds of flashbacks hit me as soon as saw the pee soaked floor and the stalls where people are peeing and snorting drugs(some of them at the same time).

I only had 1-2 girls approach me for a lapdance since i was sitting next to merritt and the wolves just assumed i was with her. It was a busy saturday night, they couldn’t take time with a mark who had a girl with him, i understand. The 2 girls that did approach me quickly were dispersed when i asked them what i could get for $5. That’s not much apparently. I should have been like “shit girl, that’s a wendy’s value menu right there, come on, break a nigga off a handjob”.

Other highlights where toad’s moral crusade to pay a waitress. This cocktail waitress brought me a budweiser and didn’t ask me for any money. So now suddenly i have this imaginary tab running with a cocktail waitress who looks like every other fucking waitress there. I finally track this girl down and give her the $5 for a beer. Probably wasn’t even the same waitress. I’ll sleep better tonight. Those poor girls. I really wonder what it’s like to be a stripper and wake up in strange beds, nose bleeding from the cheap coke he gave you to get you in bed, ass sore and face 1 day more wrinkled. They deserve every dime they get.

Rachel said she went into the bathroom and said she felt a little offended that no one offered her cocaine. I mean it is platinum plus, it might have been a slow night, but come on. Merritt told her that the wedding ring was probably was a red flag for the potential drug dealers. Makes sense.

Other highlights include Sek showing us his mom’s business card. I’m not going to type out the name of sek’s mom’s “organization” but lets just say it’s for people who don’t go to this “type” of strip club. Yeah, poor sek 🙁 must be tough.

On a happy note, my plan of bringing my license and exactly $30 to platinum was a successfull plan. I did not inhale any kind of drug and i didn’t not have any intimate relations with any strippers. I win at platinum.

On a sadder note, i havn’t really eaten in about 2 days now. My chest has really been hurting when i don’t drink and even a little bit when i do. I’m so afraid im going to die in my sleep and not get to see what “happens”. I think tomorrow im going to wake up and take a few asprin to thin my blood out enough to stem off any alcohol withdrawl heart attacks that i’m probably going to have. I need to stop, sooner then later.

I’d really like to go into a long rant about how badly i miss valerie and how she’s probably having a gangbang that’s going to be on easynews shortly. But i’m not. Everyone, even tho they won’t tell me, is sick of me pining over her. When she gets back from san diego and i get back from new orleans we’ll either fall back in love or she’ll perform oral sex on a “producer” while a camera man nails her from behind. Not that she’d ever do that tho. Like Merritt said, whatever valerie is doing right now is her own business, not mine. She probably hasn’t gone on any dates, neither have I, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll never know the truth, even if she tells it to me, and it’s none of my business.

i am so fucking terrified

so i wanted to drop a line before tonight because this might be the “last update” if you know what i mean.

since levi is going back to iraqi soon and rachel has never been, we’re going to platinum tonight.

here is the line up. merritt, rachel, sek and levi. this can’t go well, it just can’t.

i keep getting these little flashes in my head of tonight and im just so scared. i keep saying to myself, i’m not going to bring enough cash to get a lapdance. atm and credit card are staying at apartment. i am not doing drugs there, near there, or from there. im just going to look, not going to touch.

it’s funny as soon as i knew we were going i put on the the triple six mafia. to really get what im talking about when i say platinum, you can just use the search form. after doing a search for platinum on my site, i realized that my favorite strip club story isn’t up there.

one time when i was there with ian we sat in his car and watched 2 people like maybe 20 yards away from us, and do cocaine. then the blowjob. then they realize we’re both laughing our asses off. they move to the fried chicken parking lot and the blowjob continues. so fucking awesome. nothing describes that place better. triple six mafia needs to write a song about doing cocaine and getting a blowjob.

Motavation in a thong.

i told him ian told me to invite him

good thing i didn’t

*looks at empty baggy*

god like….everyone use your imagation for this. Toad dressed in a $20 suit, which i told many people, is the same cost of a bag og schwag. Thus naming it, my schwag suit.

Ken is dresed in, okay let me describe this. This isn’t just funny for me cuz everyone ian or i bring it up we start laughing. We pull up to Ken’s house and he’s standing on the hill of his front yard, in complete darkness, outstretching a arm pointing to his driveway. I’ve tried in several sentences, then deleting, what Ken looked like at this moment. Now Ken is about 6’7″, with a goatee of 3 prongs. Dressed in all black, weird little black top hat. Looks like Kid Rock but really pissed off. My untrained mind is not enough to describe Ken.

Anyway…..we go to the strip club, nothing really happens, the end? Haklsdfhalkhalkhalskhahalksdjflasj haha. Poor brandon sits alone for 10 minutes until he sees us..he said he really felt dirty sitting alone in platinum…i agreed and offered him any of 3 different bottles…

I almost need another website to talk about Platinum Plus experiences that i’ve had. I’ve learned from Platinum that i am a white heterosexual male and that i need to get a job that pays a lot. I can’t describe what a refreshing feeling platinum is.

Motavation in a thong.

A lot of people will tell you that strippers are ugly. I’m here to tell you a lot of them are. The whole “problem” with strip clubs is the alcohol. If you couldn’t drink there, then we wouldn’t be the ONLY people in the entire club with 3 bottles of alcohol we BROUGHT in. Last night was a Monday too. People made eye contact with us and just knew we weren’t fucking around.

I really need to get a picture of Ken for this.

This morning started really pretty bad. It’s not a good morning when you wake up and you have 13 new voicemails. In fact, when it’s 2pm, it’s not morning anymore.

You were asleep during morning toad.

I stumble to the shower making apoligies, that i’ll be there in a minute. I suddenly remember last night in one big second and Ian told me i was singing Ludacris – Get Out The Way while i was taking a shower.

After a muscle relaxer, a beer that i stole from a client’s fridge, and several hours of troubleshooting, i am going to bed.

The Strip Club Update

The whole time i’ve writing this hilarious night i’ve really pondered if this should actually go up. I think censorship is one of the worst things, next to SUV’s, that this world has been plagued with. Self censorship is the worst version of censorship because you can actually take steps to avoid it.

I wanted to accurately portray this evening because quite honestly, it’s pretty fucked up. I want to be able to read this post years from now, when i’m laying in my hospital bed, tubes all up in my shit, looking really pathetic and dying. I’ll reach over to my laptop, read this fucked up update and watch my artificial liver machine start to smoke.

After last night’s update, you can tell i was hungover when i woke this morning. Not the “I need some water and some asprin” hangover. More like a “My body is not accepting food anymore” kind of hangover. I eat part of a $5 steak at Neils and a sandwich trying desparetely to force protein into my body. I really don’t want to drink.

We pick Ken up, we pick a bottle of vodka up and we roll into Platinum. Carded at the door, big surprise, i buy a beer. Beer is okay, beer won’t get me drunk, i’m only getting one.

I walk in and smile. A smoke filled room with numerous, half naked, fully naked, almost naked, beautiful girls. It’s like F:pr0n came to life. We sit down, my beer is emptied, and i suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. I’m enjoying the show on stage when i suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and see a smiling face next to me. My mind scans, i don’t recognize her and i’m terribly confused.

Stripper: Hi.*smiling*
Toad: Hello!
Stripper: How’s a lapdance sound?
Toad: Umm, not yet, havn’t even had my first drink.

It all makes sense now.

A gaggle of strippers soon arrive and at one point we all had one sitting on our laps drinking our vodka. This is because Ken, who is apparently a god in this place since he was a bouncer there many years ago. Ken describes himself as a stripper groupie. I wish i could have snuck my camera in cuz i’d really like to have a picture of him. Imagine Kid Rock, but with more piercings, more tattoos and doesn’t suck.

Lapdance #1
Well, after being there about a hour and telling 3 girls that i didn’t want a lapdance, Ian and Ken purchase one for me. This girl in a chain mail shirt that had been drinking with us, stands up, takes this leather belt and cracks it. She points at me, says “Follow me now, bitch”. I follow her to the “VIP Room” a poorly lit room full of couches and other strippers giving other guys dances. I sit down and the games begin.

I walk out with her probably 2 songs later with a huge grin on my face. I sit down at our table, pour a stiff drink and thank Ian and Ken for my first lapdance. I decided at that point that i can never return to this place again. So I better spend a lot of money and really enjoy myself because this is it. I go to the ATM.

Lapdance #2
After a stop at the ATM, i couldn’t resist this next girl. Beautiful blonde, dressed in this strange black bathing suit kinda thing. She asks me if i would like a dance. I look her up and down, smile and say “Yes, yes i would”. Back to the VIP room. We sit and talk for a few minutes, she tells me she’s really into computers too, i pretend like i care and then leave 2 songs later i’m back at the table drinking.

It was around 1am, poor little owned Chad leaves and the vodka starts to really own me. I also noticed a change in the strippers as the night wore on. Strippers, like a lot of people *cough*webdesigners*cough* drink a lot and tend to say more fucked up shit as the night goes on.

Lapdance #3
I’m casually drinking, watching yet another beautiful girl dance around naked on stage when this crazy looking blonde girl with pigtails. She walks up to me, whispers how many genital piercings she has and then asks if i’d like to see them. Fuck yeah i do.

Lapdance #4
Well, i was convinced into getting one last dance from this beautiful girl that had been sitting with us all night. I walk to the bathroom and get intercepted. This beautiful, probably 6’7 black girl starts talking to me at the bar. After whispering a bunch of shit about chocolate cupcakes, chocolate pudding and other chocolate based food, lapdance #4 starts.

Since I was just going to the bathroom Ian and Ken start to wondering what the fuck happened to me. Ken asks the bouncers if they killed out a dirty looking short guy. They finally see me walking out with her and they’re all like “OH FUCK! ONYX GOT A HOLD OF HIM!” I sit down and their like “dude did she hurt you?” and i’m like “fuck yeah she did!” I swear to god, i’m going to name my first daughter after her.

After Onyx, none of the other girls were really that cute and it was getting late. Then Ian taps me on the shoulder and points to this girl on stage. I look and i see these weird red blotches in her….umm….holy area. We all recoil in horror at the black plague that has infected this poor girl and we’re all reminded where we are.

The night isn’t over.

Ian and i sit in the car and wait for Ken to finish finding out where his stripper friends were going after work, hehe. We watch a cocktail waitress and a smiling black man get into what looked like her car. Then her head seems to disappear into his lap. I guess she dropped something cuz she was down there for a while. Ian and I start laughing hysterically since this is happening about 5 yards from where we’re parked. She looks up, looks embarassed, starts her car, and drives across the street to finish the deed.

I looked over to Ian and said “I hope their using condoms” and Ian says “I don’t think they are.” They probably weren’t.

Ian and Ken drop me off, i go inside, finish my $5 Neils steak in silence after the hottest, most cleansing shower i’ve ever taken. The moral of last night is that strip clubs, just like hard drugs, should be experimented in extreme amounts and then never again.

So Onyx, even tho i promised you i would return, i must say goodbye.