Month: October 2005

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B and C from Knoxville sent me this, you guys rule. glad to see a international pic.

Continue reading jamiaca hore

okay. i got drunk the other night and went to merrymaids.com and requested a free consultation to clean my train wreck of a apartment. she shows up at 1pm. she walks up to the the apartment.

let me paint this as well as i can. i have Iron Butterfly – In A Gadda Da Vida, blaring, on repeat. the apartment looks like it’s had a rave in it. pabst blue ribbon bottles litter the computer desk. i’m drunk, drinking beer. she hasn’t left yet.

She walks in, looks 50 something, hard tell because of the makeup. Very well dressed, has a little leather portfolio that says Merry Maids on it, everything. I sip my beer and listen to her proposal.

I give her a quick tour of the apartment. After i show her the fucked up bedroom, the fucked up bathroom and the hallway of stolen shit, she sits back down. On the way back from the kitchen she sees the picture of george bush i have hanging in the hallway. this picture was sent to “resident” at one of my apartments, i stuck a crackhore sticker on it and have carried it around ever since. she points at the picture and says “thats my man there, i told my husband that George Bush is the one man i’d leave him for”. and i quote, “he told me that he’d leave me for Laura Bush if he had the chance”.

she actually made me feel awkward in my own apartment. touche, touche.

she quotes me a price to clean up this disgusting shit hole of a apartment. it seemed kinda high, i think i need to go on a more “mexican” route maybe. coming soon.
Continue reading in the garden of toad, don’t you know that i’ll always be true

is what nelson muttered, when i told him i’m really going to scare the shit out of the merry maid customer service reps at 1pm when they knock on my door for the free consultation i signed up for.

this will be good. there are beer bottles everywhere, i’ll be naked, outside, laying in the bushes. she’ll knock on the door, i’ll jump out, wearing nothing but my hacker hat and um, socks.

she screams, i chase her to her car. police sirens.

the new era has come. if me and my dog can sleep on your couch, please call or msg.
Continue reading i still don’t get why you’ll be outside

my interview went really well.

i’m feeling insane from the manicness. the thought of all my financial problems disappearing is kinda tough to describe.

ive been telling people today that i think i probably have it. i think it went well. i’m almost 100% sure that the fact that i think i might have it probably pretty much makes it impossible now. totally jinxed.

sweet sweet sleeping pills, dragging me back to bed. rest sweet toad, for tomorrow you are still a rogue webdesigner. even if i do get this job, they’re going to fire me as soon as they realize who i am. i mean seriously, how long do you really give me? i think i smell a new poll.

Continue reading fat boy on a diet, don’t try it, i’ll jack your ass like a looter in a riot

tomorrow is the interview. i’m too nervous to sleep. this sucks, better update, will sleep better.

i want to thank all of you, and you know who you are, for your help. i’m trapped in a certain kind of hell, where i can see my terrible mental illness, yet helpless to stop it.

im really afraid im going to die on my way to my interview tomorrow and really want to get this off my chest and have it on the homepage when the cops beat me to death.

if you talk to me once a week, i love you. that’s it, there i said it. while you’re asleep and you’re not online, i miss you. way more then healthy. and it’s not all sexual “love”. just because i want to fuck people from my aim list (databit, boar), doesn’t mean i’m “gay” or “cheating on my girlfriend”. this is pure love, not knuckle children love, more like “look, she stopped breathing, i need you to drive here and help me bury her” love.

i’ve been emotional the past few years. things havn’t really worked out the way i’ve wanted them to. big surprise. hopefully i’ll get this job and have the money to send everyone who deserves one, a huge life size palm tree and 2 inflatable elephants?

i smell the next poll on crackhore

wish me luck. i’m going to start off with a “look, i really want this job, i’d be more then willing to take the list of the other applicants, hunt, kill and eat them in front of you if will put me up front”.

better then talking about the weather. it’s hot, it’s memphis, we knowz this.
Continue reading thank you all for your support

It seems today that all you see
Is ranting in aim windows and puke on the PC
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we use to rely?

Lucky there’s a Family Toad
Lucky there’s a toad who, positively can do
All the things that make us drunk and high
He’s our Family Toad!

Continue reading HE’S OUR FAMILY TOAD!

i went to cafe ole last night to have some drinks with my good friend andy george. i drank 1 budweiser and then andy orders us both these 2 huge bud lights. like not a normal big beer, this thing came in a plastic cup. anyway, we finish our beers and pay. as i’m walking out i feel a weird rumbling in my stomach.

i walk out onto the sidewalk and start heading to my car, talking to valerie on the phone. all of a sudden a water fountain of puke screams out of my mouth, all over the sidewalk. then a second heave, the last of my sandwich i ate earlier meets the sidewalk.

i continue walking, not breaking stride, continuing my conversation with valerie. not a drop on shoes or pants. i look over to the left and see 2 families staring in horror on the patio of the Beauty Shop, a very yuppie expensive resturant.

can you imagine sitting at dinner with your family, probably celebrating a birthday or something, and seeing some guy puking up god knows what across the street. i should not take this much pleasure in vomitting.
Continue reading puking makes you cool

i met with a potential client today at young avenue deli. Afterwards i had 4 people come up and ask me if i’m toad, the one that does websites.

you can’t stop it, we’re taking over.

i applied for a really great job wednesday and i think i might get it. it was great, at the end of the interview he asks “our designer you’ll be working with has side projects on the side, do you have any side projects you’ll work on while with us?”

Like a almost direct “do you, or do you not run crackhore.com”. I replied that i have something up but no where near worth showing. Maybe it was just a question to see how well i could lie on my feet.

oh well, going to try not to think about it since i’m not nearly tall, cute or blonde enough for a corporate job. guess we’ll find out tho.
Continue reading your own personal webdesigner

Went for a run in the park today around 6pm with Marla. Put on Rage Against The Machine’s first album, good angry running music. anyway

I always take Marla off her lease when running since she’s on her honor not to talk to other dogs and always behaves. The problem is she doesn’t know how to pace herself so by the 2nd lap she’s sandbagging behind me, sometimes 15-20 feet.

Somewhere on the second lap she was really far behind me, a good 30 feet. I pass a middle aged gentleman with headphones on, we both do the, eye contact, nod, keep running. I get another 20 feet and notice my dog is no where to be see. I give a throaty “HEY! GET OVER HERE!!!”. The guy i just pulls his ear plugs out and starts to give me a “WTF?!” look when he sees marla barreling up the path after me. It was great watching the look of confusion and wtfness to “oh lol” in the span a second.

Got me thinking, what would i do if someone just called me out while running. Like “hey, you, yeah you, with the crackhore shirt, get over here!”. Would i run? Would i walk casually up to them to ask them sup?
Continue reading HEY! GET OVER HERE!

Saturday night Valerie and I spent a night at the Madison hotel to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. Most couples like to go out for a expensive dinner that lasts only a few hours but we decided to pack sandwiches and stay at a nice hotel instead.

We valet Valerie’s Buick and check in. We walk in and head up to our room. It’s a nice room but a lot smaller then we expected, especially from the pictures on their site, etc. There’s 2 bottles of wine and 2 glasses on the wet bar. We look at it and go “damn, it’s funny how they set the bottles out and everything trying to trick you into opening it and getting charged.” While the valet lady is getting us a bucket of ice, i call down to the front desk. She says we can upgrade to the better room for $10 more a night. I say, of course, and we carry our stuff to a the other room. The valet lady carries down the wine, glasses and tray with us.

About 3 hours later we’ve eaten our “presents” to each other and we’re wandering around the hotel room, inspecting the beautiful interior decorating, etc. Valerie is looking at the honor bar pricelist like “wait, there isn’t any merlot listed on the honor bar”. I tell her to call down to the front desk because maybe it’s complimentary from the hotel since i told them it was our anniversary. I figured it’s a good way to maybe get something comped but i wasn’t going to touch it unless i was sure i wasn’t going to get charged god knows what for it.

The front desk isn’t sure, they are going to have to call us back. Now I?m one of those people that has to be on a computer while on any kind of substance, it’s a sick habit and i need help. I have several aim windows going and suddenly. Then Allen, who I worked with at Stream and still talk to on a daily basis, says “Hey, did you get my present?”. “No, what present.”. “The wine.”.

I tell Valerie to hangup the phone. Apparently the card that Allen faxed(insert image here) was left in the other hotel room or possibly not there at all. Aim windows sending wine. FTW.

We wake up exactly at noon, pack up our things and check out. I’m wearing my favorite bright orange, yellow and blue hawaiian shirt. This shirt is the reason i believe in magic because everyone in the room has to turn and stare, just something about it.

We drive home, unpack the car onto the porch and look for the key. I only had 1 copy of the apartment and had to leave it with my neighbor to let Marla out but he’s no where to be found. We wait about a hour, since he plays organ at a church and it’s about noon, he’s probably on his way back now. We finish off the rest of the wine.

Around 1:30, after I?ve given up on trying to pick the lock of my front door with a paper clip and glass. I tell Valerie i’m going to home depot.

See my apartment is owned by a slumlord who won’t fix anything. The front door leaks cold air and gives me a rape of a utility bill each month. I figure, once i break open the door, i can kill 2 birds with one stone. This seriously makes perfect sense.

I drive to home depot and ask a clerk if they sell any lockpicking tools or tension guns. He says no. I ask him where the crowbars are, he points down the aisle. I pick out a nice blue one and grab valerie a sprite.

My phone rings in the parking lot. It’s valerie, she says willie’s wife says willie will be home soon. I figure im halfway across the parking lot, better just keep the crowbar.

never can tell when you need a crowbar.

Continue reading A Night At The Madison