Yeah, I’m cooler online

Brad Paisley – “Online”
I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I’m 5 foot 3 and overweight
I’m a scifi fanatic
A mild asthmatic
And I’ve never been to second base
But there’s whole ‘nother me
That you need to see
Go checkout MySpace

‘Cause online I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I’m a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don’t want nothing serious
‘Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

When I get home I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack
And I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up my Mac
In real life the only time I’ve ever even been to L.A
Is when I got the chance with the marching band
To play tuba in the Rose Parade

Online I live in Malibu
I pose for Calvin Klein, I’ve been in GQ
I’m single and I’m rich
And I’ve got a set of six pack abs that would blow your mind
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don’t want nothing serious
‘Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

When you got my kind of stats
It’s hard to get a date
Let alone a real girlfriend
But I grow another foot and I lose a bunch of weight
Every time I login

I’m out in Hollywood
I’m 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day
I could have a three way
Chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online
I’m so much cooler online
Yeah, I’m cooler online

Yeah, I’m cooler online

Yeah, I’ll see ya online

dear marla

i know you might not understand this but i really care for you. everytime i think about filling up the bath tub with piping hot water and slitting my wrists, i don’t think about my parents, friends and co-workers how much it would hurt them. Nobody loves me, it’s true, not like you do.
You’ve been there with me the last 7 years, through the worst of times…and through these also worse times. I’m sure you’ve been there through good times too but you probably remember me miserable as i am now.

Don’t worry though. Through thick and thin, i’m not going to take the easy route and give you up to a family member or friend. No matter what happens we’re going to stick together until you die way too young.

love toad

diversity day karaoke

so diversity day at work came and there was karaoke as promised. as soon as they asked for volunteers, the entire room of like 50 co-workers look at me. I walk calmly up on stage and select man and the mirror by michael jackson. i’m dancing around in front of the screen, screaming the lyrics, full stage show.

by the time i’m done everyone is like “wow that was fucked up”. someone else sings a normal song and it’s time for diversity bingo. they had a board with all these things like “blonde hair” and “blue eyes” and we had to…well anyway.

after some really diverse food which included popeyes fried chicken, i grab the mic again. This time i pick I Will Survive. I know this song a little better then any straight man should. I start adlibbing parts with “how could you walk into my cube with that look upon your face”. I start dropping in the boss’s name and all other kind of work phrases. It was great. There were at least half a dozen people holding up cell phones recording it.

After this a good friend at work, 40 something, ex marine, probably 7 feet tall, comes up and i punch in Paradise By The Dashboard light. Now i’ve done some duets in my time but this was great. There are certain lines of that song that even i started cracking up singing into the same mic with a huge bald dude. Things like “And now our bodies are oh so close and tight” and ” And now our bodies are oh so close and tight” are pretty ‘not safe for work’.

By the end of the song we look up and only the HR woman and the dj guy are left. He’s packing up his equipment and she’s putting up the leftover food. We cleared the room.

I finally admit Vincent and me’s little joke about the fake baby pictures. It was just as sweet as i expected.

I’m going to miss corporate America. I can smell the firing with everyday yet my badge still works everytime i wave it in front of the door.


so i just bought a roomba off of I’m so excited, i can’t wait to sit here loaded watching my roomba sweep up marla hair. i’ve always wanted one of these things, can’t wait to see if it really works….

so afraid im going to come home one day from work to find the thing on it’s back with marla tearing out it’s poor roomba guts. i figure a few monitored sessions with marla and the roomba should make sure it doesn’t get molested. is the most evil site ever….i sat all day with vincent and minh egging me on, saying “come on dude, you’ve been waiting for a roomba to come up on woot, just get it”. All day im bitching about how i’m kinda short on cash after my Target spending orgy yesterday. I just really want to see how well it works. I spend way too much time vacuuming up fucking dog hair….if i can get a little robot to do it then okay.

diversity day fun begins

so i’ve already updated about the diversity day and the karaoke they are having. That’s just funny by default. The fact that i get to sing, sober, in front of my entire office is just priceless. People don’t get it, they don’t understand why im so excited. It’s going to be man in the mirrortastic.

one other little thing they have going on is a “guess who i am” baby picture contest. there are lots of black and white photos in the break room that people have gave to the HR lady to post. The punch line is that me and a cohort at work have been printing out random baby pics from and hanging them up. So even the HR lady is like “i don’t know who the hell that is” but it hasn’t stopped people from guessing. So everyday i go in, secretely tack up another baby picture and listen to everyone argue who it is.

It’s better then sex.

Everyone has been freaking out over this huge 8×10 pic of this girl with a weird face. There is only a handful of females at the office so they think it’s easy to guess.

I think i need to add another 2 or 3 and let people just go insane for another 2 weeks before they announce who is who and come up with like a dozen “umm no seriously, who is this” pics. I think thats when im going to get busted out. When me and a few other people fall out of chairs, huge urine stains forming on our crouches as we roll around the floor laughing… might give us away.


and they come in every color and flavor

no more margaritas at superior during the week.

showering off the sin, going to bed.

and they come in every color and flavor

the other shoe is going to drop really soon.

i had a really unexpected visitor this week that might spoil every plan i have.

i really hope nothing bad happens. i really do. like seriously….i want to keep ahold of this new life but i’m so terrified that i’m about to be trapped in a alternate lifestyle where i’m stuck in gentilly with a lease being the only reason.

oh well… this point i have to realize this is all out of my hands.

what will be will be.

this update will comfort me someday.

what do i feel llike doing

lately ive been feeling really unmotivated to work on…anything. there really isn’t much to do on the main contract so i just kinda hangout. i worked about a hour or two today and it’s just so mind numbling that i don’t even mind doing it.

i build a site for some random group of government people on some random government contract. it’s even getting sad how i know how to crank out patriotic/military shit now. you need jets, aircraft carriers, definitely the American flag, blue, red, white, black and sometimes you can even use gray. one tori amos album later they have a dope new homepage to fix their terrible portal that i don’t really know/care does.

i’ve settled into a nice routine for riding to work. the alarm goes off at 6am, i rush to my pre-arranged clothes for the day, stuff them in the bag along with work shoes/work socks(socks pre-inserted into each shoe), belt(forgetting the belt sucks). i brush my teeth while marla goes outside, i feed her, and gathering up the last few things before walking out the door.

i’ve been timing myself lately, trying to see exactly how long it takes to ride to the office.

i go faster when it’s raining.

i get there, ride in, make sure to jump every speed bump, lock the bike, walk into shower room. Luckily no one else doesn’t have a car so i have the shower room to myself. i have a locker with a bar of soap on a little tray, a towel and a bottle of shampoo.

after showering, changing, brushing hair, i race towards the elevator.

breakfast of oatmeal, peanut butter, protein powder and whatever fruit i’m experimenting with this week. 9 hours of talking to people at work about computers, sometimes working, mostly doing stuff for side business.

leave my little cell for the day, go back to locker room, change into clothes you rode to work in(and slept in the night before), head to gym. stare at girls that don’t like guys like you while listening to whatever angry music you have picked out for the week. ride home, much slower then the ride to work.

the evenings vary but usually are walking marla, playing fetch with marla, watching or easynews movies, hotpockets, talking to people online and melatonin. i sometimes do side work.

then i lay down in my nice comfortable bed and twitch because i haven’t had anything to drink.

repeat for the next 6 months.


i’m a big fan of like seriously.

i browse for days looking at all the beautiful women but god sometimes you found a real gem.

I stumble upon this girl’s profile on a almost daily basis and it always brings a smile to my face.

The american flag, the crucifix, everything. The snarky description:


I’m not really a mean person. I don’t make fun of people that often but i love this. Cuz like yeah, the 7 month old daughter is really going to be the deciding factor here. The more i look at this profile the more i wonder if it’s real. Like the crucifix and the american flag are just perfectly aligned, almost too perfect.