so many things have happened in the last few weeks that its hard to even catch the site up. no one reads anymore but it’s still fun and feels like the right thing to do at the time.
no more kelly…bought a handgun..finishing business plan…sleeping too much, drinking too much…
i have some work events coming up that require a date which….sucks…gotta have someone on my arm.
luckily dylan and lynn introduced me to a beautiful young woman who is willing to be escort me…yeah, i feel a little sad paying for a pseudo girlfriend but screw it. only live once.
im rebuilding a limo company’s web site in trade for a few rides…it’s almost easier then buying a car….i still think it’s time to buy a motorcycle…that, combined with a handgun seems like everything “i need” to fufill this mid life crisis.
cuz thats what this..obviously…a mid life crisis…dump the neurotic girlfriend, pay for a new model, rent your wife and kids today,maybe she’ll caught a lite sneeze…blah.
im trying to reconnect with old friends…i think thats a good idea, the sad part is i can tell that i’ve already strayed so far away from everyone that there is no one left. no one cares to talk with me anymore and i can honestly tell how sad it is writing on my site about it.
deluxe boss sad.
i don’t care anymore. nothing has ever worked before and nothing ever will. that’s all there is to say about it and i’m not going to get better with age or whatever. based on their age, some people tell me i have all the time in the world to find a new love and some people tell me im going to drink myself to death and die young because i’m old and i need a woman.
what scares me is i know i can’t just go find another girl and go about my life. i really honestly like having a girlfriend like having someone i can count on. kelly was my best friend for years and now im totally alone and so is she. part of me hopes she’s doing okay, part of me knows i can’t do anything to help.
so i continue…i guess…i have been trying to talk to people, especially women. today i told a woman at the verti mart, after i had several tall boys downtown and listened to much of the fragile on the ipod, “you are absolutely beautiful and i hope someone has told you that today”.
i had no plan for what to say afterward and i think she felt sorry for me and made small talk with me. obviously asked where im from since it’s obviously not new orleans, asked my name.Â it was rather bad honestly…i shouldn’t talk to people without a plan. she ordered one entree and 2 sides…i paid for my bacon and egg sandwich, sat out on a porch stoop and consumed it while looking at this flowchart ive been working on and drank my coors light tall boy.
i realize that this is all probably a self fulfilling prophecy, i’ll always be miserable because i want to be….what was almost sad was i knew i was going to be writing this in the very near future.
back to be alone, back to being sad, back to whiskey crackhore updates at 4am. back to nine inch nails, back to cutting, back to to lonliness. back to updates like these.