watch what i say

yeah i dunno. this is late and im going to bed after this.  i need to stop scheduling meetings during the day…nothing before lunch…ever….

people, parents and shit notice when i write anything online…this is the world we live in.

kelly and i are back together again. and we’ll probably break up again…

i got a handgun, i pick it up thursday

i’m not putting the magazine near the gun until i can lock it up.

not because of her, but because of everyone else.

im trying to cover a few things here, just keep reading.

okay yeah time to pass out


so many things have happened in the last few weeks that its hard to even catch the site up. no one reads anymore but it’s still fun and feels like the right thing to do at the time.

no more kelly…bought a handgun..finishing business plan…sleeping too much, drinking too much…

i have some work events coming up that require a date which….sucks…gotta have someone on my arm.

luckily dylan and lynn introduced me to a beautiful young woman who is willing to be escort me…yeah, i feel a little sad paying for a pseudo girlfriend but screw it. only live once.

im rebuilding a limo company’s web site in trade for a few rides…it’s almost easier then buying a car….i still think it’s time to buy a motorcycle…that, combined with a handgun seems like everything “i need” to fufill this mid life crisis.

cuz thats what this..obviously…a mid life crisis…dump the neurotic girlfriend, pay for a new model, rent your wife and kids today,maybe she’ll caught a lite sneeze…blah.

im trying to reconnect with old friends…i think thats a good idea, the sad part is i can tell that i’ve already strayed so far away from everyone that there is no one left. no one cares to talk with me anymore and i can honestly tell how sad it is writing on my site about it.

deluxe boss sad.

i don’t care anymore. nothing has ever worked before and nothing ever will. that’s all there is to say about it and i’m not going to get better with age or whatever. based on their age, some people tell me i have all the time in the world to find a new love and some people tell me im going to drink myself to death and die young because i’m old and i need a woman.

what scares me is i know i can’t just go find another girl and go about my life. i really honestly like having a girlfriend like having someone i can count on. kelly was my best friend for years and now im totally alone and so is she. part of me hopes she’s doing okay, part of me knows i can’t do anything to help.

so i continue…i guess…i have been trying to talk to people, especially women. today i told a woman at the verti mart, after i had several tall boys downtown and listened to much of the fragile on the ipod, “you are absolutely beautiful and i hope someone has told you that today”.

i had no plan for what to say afterward and i think she felt sorry for me and made small talk with me. obviously asked where im from since it’s obviously not new orleans, asked my name.  it was rather bad honestly…i shouldn’t talk to people without a plan. she ordered one entree and 2 sides…i paid for my bacon and egg sandwich, sat out on a porch stoop and consumed it while looking at this flowchart ive been working on and drank my coors light tall boy.

i realize that this is all probably a self fulfilling prophecy, i’ll always be miserable because i want to be….what was almost sad was i knew i was going to be writing this in the very near future.

back to be alone, back to being sad, back to whiskey crackhore updates at 4am. back to nine inch nails, back to cutting, back to to lonliness. back to updates like these.

Dear Friend In Christ

I believe you will treat this mail with the fear of God. It is with tears
that I am writing you this mail; I dont need your pity, but love to my son.
My mail may seem very painful and sorrowful, but there is more you can do in
my request than to pity me, which is to show LOVE to my son. I was an orphan
and do not wish my son to experience what I have been through on Earth after
an automobile crash that nearly claimed my life.

My name is Wilfred Roland Jr, married to the late Janet Wilfred, who died
with our two daughters in Indonesia on 26th of December 2004 during the
Tsunami Disaster, after this Painful and sorrowful incident, my condition
worsened and I was diagnosed of cancer, which got worst and I have been
suffering from heart failure and hepatitis since. My friends ignored me due
to my relationship with God on sickbed.

My wife, our children and I have been in United Kingdom for a long time. We
all were suppose to travel to Indonesia in December 2004, but my bad health,
did not permit me to travel with them, which made me and my son stay behind
while my wife and our two daughters traveled. If not, all of us would have
perished in the disaster.

My reason of writing you this mail is due to the sad news that came to me
recently from the doctors. After my last diagnosed result, it was proved by
the doctors that i may not leave for more than one month ahead, due to the
damage the cancer have caused in my system unless I undergo an urgent
surgical operation which my chance of survival is less than 10% according to
the medical experts. As it stands, I have given to fate and have found God
on sick bed. But I have a more concern problem, which is why I have
contacted you.

Please, this is about my son. Since it is now obvious that I will die, my
son’s future has been the greatest problem I have. I want you to take care
of my son please. He is only 13 years old and we have no person here to take
care of him if I die today. My friends for knowing God deserted me.

I left some money in a deposit house at United Kingdom, which i intended to
use for investment in Indonesia. I want you to take this money and my son.
Use the money into a big investment, that you will manage until my son grows
up to take over the investment. I will like you to take my son as your own
son, give him the love we the parents would have given him. Do not let him
feel the pains of being an orphan, give him good education, bring him up
into a responsible man. Make him have the fear of God. Please do not refuse
this task. I have no one else to help me out on this issue, I am an orphan
who grew up without knowing God rather focused on wealth and otherwise,
living a life of fantasy and doesn’t care or know who God is. Do not pity
me, rather take good care of and bring him up to be God fearing.

As soon as I receive your reply including your personal details, all i will
do is to authorize my bank to transfer the money to your account directly
and i will also draw up my will in your favor. I will give the bank all the
documents that is covering the deposit with the bank, i will transfer every
power and right of ownership to you stating at my Will to enable you claim
the deposit from the bank. It will be also included in the Will that you are
the only person my son should be released to, if i die. All i need is your
acceptance and assurance that you will not treat my son badly.

I am writing you this mail with great tears and i pray you will be kind &
honest with fear of God concerning this mail to you today.

Please reply this mail immediately if you have the love and care of God.

Thank you.

Mr. Wilfred Roland Jr.

all the spoils of a wasted life

i’m watching my personalities blend a lot lately and i think it might be a good thing. i used to pride myself on keeping both of them separate but as i’ve gotten older i just don’t care anymore. i really gotta decide what to do with this site. i’m not updating nearly enough. it’s not that funny shit isn’t happening, i just can’t find the time to post…