the internet has fucked me up

my good friend boar sends me links to easynews porn pretty frequently. just what people do who work from home, we look at porn. and listen to pandora.

anyway, he sends me a link to a movie by the, called money talks. basically coming up to people with a video camera, a hot chick and a microphone and bribing people to do fucked up things. including like just straight up normal selling yourself for money.

i personally wouldn’t go anywhere with some chick, a microphone and and a camera. that sounds like a great way to get robbed but that’s the way i think.

so im watching them now convince people to come with her and listen to a song, on a mp3 player, that’s shoved in some girl’s ass. so they get 1 black dude and then a little white girl. so of course they have thriller on the ipod when they give it to the black guy(not sure how they change the tracks or if it’s on random). he’s singing along while the girl just kinda sits there crouched on a chair. this is all in like a alleyway too.

the girl then stands up and starts dancing with him while he still has the earbuds in.  then it shows her dancing with the earbuds in.

the white girl they actually get to take her top off and dance with the chick while listening to the music.

i think what fucks with me is that this occurred in time. this was real. what the fuck, seriously.

what’s kinda fucked up is they actually show the money trade hands after the sex. that just seems like a terrible idea…i’m taking this way too seriously, i think i’ll play some quake.

carlo rossi

so you can probably tell i have too much time on my hands and have been using the internet to relieve that.

i’m friends with lots of corporations on facebook like popeyes, carlo rossi, new orleans saints, etc. all of these places have a facebook admin that nukes comments like mine.

it started with wine searcher posting something about food pairing with wine. i asked which wine they recommend for popeyes fried chicken. this hijacks the whole thread and slams it into the side of a cliff.

carlo rossi posted a generic thanksgiving post which i respond with a paragraph about how i woke up naked in my backyard because of carlo rossi.

the carlo rossi admin sees this and the way i picture it is some guy with a iphone seeing it, going OH HELL NO and killing my comment. for some reason this really pisses me off.

probably because i need more hobbies.

now im posting on their facebook wall about how i almost bought some of their wine today but i didn’t because of the nazi tactics of their facebook admin.

im probably gonna get a cease and desist from them monday 😀 which i will then promptly update my facebook with my outrage.

happy thanksgiving!!!!

welp another thanksgiving rolls around. stayed in new orleans for a few reasons which sucks because michelle is in memphis. we’ve talked a few times how weird it is that she’s never met my parents since i seem to introduce most every female in my life to my parents(to prove im not gay).

i’m not sure if it was her idea or mine but she wanted to stop by my parents house and meet them. i mean if she’s moving in with me it’s probably good for her to you know, meet the first people i ever lived with.

she just called while on her way there telling me to thank her. i do. so right now while i listen to marilyn manson tainted love and drink my beaujolais, my girlfriend michelle is hanging out with my parents without me. which is a little strange. i hope they don’t talk about me 🙁

probably about a hour from now, the baby pictures will come out.

i’m really glad she’s getting to meet them…i’m a lot like my dad or at least i try to be. i just hope they behave.

anyway, as soon as i get off the phone with michelle giving her last minute directions, i call my parents. my mom answers and we talk for a minute, then she goes “oh she’s here…oh wow she’s cute”.

i say “well of course!” which almost turns into “i can date a cute girl, shutup mom”….so right now they are hanging out. definitely says something about her that she’s willing to do that. the farthest i’ve been able to go is msging her mom on facebook letting her know she can call me if she wants to know who i am, how i got to where i am, etc….

i still love that her parents have been introduced to me via facebook. my facebook comments are pretty much a sanitized version of crackhore so her im surprised they didn’t chain her to a radiator when they saw my pic and comments.

she’ll be here saturday…i need to finish cleaning up the apartment before she gets here…right now…

autographed pics

as many of you know…i printed out i think 10 pictures of myself, signed them, framed then and have been handing them out to people.

most of my good friends have one and if you are a good friend and haven’t gotten one then you’ll probably get one soon(gotta reorder soon)

anyway, i gave nick and allie one and it’s proudly hanging up in the apartment.  one afternoon they introduced me to a good friend and neighbor named molly. really cool, we sat and drank with her for a while and then we went about our way.

molly’s birthday comes around and it’s the night of kmfdm so i doubt i’ll be able to make it since i plan on sneaking alcohol into the house of blues. in my stomach. which worked.

long story short, i had planned give molly one of my autographed photos in person but instead nick and allie give it to her and say “toad couldn’t make it but he sent this autographed picture for you”

now it’s hanging up in her place.

so awesome.

web design rock star jesus.  saving sites and doing it with style.

i need to get some more printed.

welp heh

i was thinking earlier as i opened my box of hawaiian shirts that finally got here today.

things really worked out for a change. usually my life consists of failure. lots of it. in work, in relationships, pretty much everything.

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself “it’s going to work out”. i remember sitting in the apartment, drinking makers mark next to the loaded gun. thinking about how im going to have to find a new place to live, pack all my shit, pay movers, unpack, resetup the office so i can attempt to make money.

i move so fucking frequently that im really good at it. i ended wandering in a bar i frequent and a friend looked at me and was like “dude whats going on”.

i explain my fucked situation, he calls a realtor he used to date(this is at like 10:30 on a wednesday), she calls me, i ask if i can see the apartment tomorrow, she says sure.

i walk in, sign a lease, give her a check and get my friends to help me pack and move. i resetup the office in a fairly decent little apartment. It looks exactly like every apartment i’ve lived in, setup exactly the same.

I know it’s the same exact life i had in my early 20’s. same clothes, slightly different job, same exact personality, same work ethics…except dylan builds the sites and i go to rotary club…which is a little out of character….which is why i love it.

imma join the free masons soon too.

anyway, strayed off topic there.

something about that trip to memphis. getting the TN license, the high school reunion, and most importantly, michelle.

i mean i should really save this update until after she gets here but it went from “it would be great” to “that’s the plan”.

my friends and family reaction has been mixed to say the least. my new orleans friends are afraid of a repeat of kelly. my memphis friends are mostly supportive, the mutual friends we have are extremely pleased.

i’ve never really been big into other people’s opinions anyway. especially when it comes to things like this.

i still can’t believe how i went from a completely fucked situation to having the woman of my dreams moving down here.

let this be a lesson to my younger readers(if anyone even comes to this site anymore). shit can be totally fucked, i mean just completely bad. planets move and things can work out.

good friends help a lot. nick and alexandra have been crucial the last few months. literally would come by the house daily to check up on me.

anyway, shit is going to be great very very soon and everyone who helped get me where i am today, thanks.

shirts are delayed!@#!@#

I bought some hawaiian shirts off of ebay just because i’m getting kinda low…dunno what happened to a few of them and needed to stock up. I won 6 new ones for $34.00, awesome deal IMO.  I pay for them and then i get this message.


Hi ******,

This is ******* of *******.   I know that some of you paid a few days ago for your items that you won from me but I was rushed to the ER and admitted to the local hospital for a large kidney stone (the first in my family).   I did have the first of 2 or 3 needed surgeries to correct the problem so I’m on my way to a speedy recovery.

I want to say that I’m sorry in advance for not shipping your items out asap.   I’m very anal about always getting my items shipped out the next business day no matter what but in this situation, it was outside of my control.   I plan to rest here a little bit and start packing up items later today.   I promise to have everything packed up and shipped out first thing tomorrow for you.   I hope you understand!!   I can’t wait to eat again and sleep in my own bed!!  My doggies have been going nuts ever since I walked in the door 🙂

Thanks in advance for understanding,

Ron ***



Now for my response:


I am deeply saddened by your recent illness! I hope never to suffer the pain of a kidney stone and feel extremely sorry.

I am also deeply saddened by the delay of the Hawaiian shirts. We recently hired 6 new people at ***** and they have been walking around shirtless since Monday.

Despite being in New Orleans it’s quite cold and they have not been as productive as they could be.

Luckily our camouflage pants came in early since they are not all female employees in this….batch.

This may sound a little confusing so we have outlined it in our Knowledge base which you can view below.
(link to the *** site knowledge base discussing shirts/camo)
Since this was a medical issue i cannot do anything but feel empathy and promise to leave you extremely good feedback.
The entire ***** staff thanks you for your help.
Yours truely,

They should be there asap.   I know my listing said parcel post shipping but they were shipped earlier today via Priority Mail shipping instead.   They should be there Tuesday is my guess.

Thanks again,

I need to email something about tuesday being too late and see if i can hit him up for some more shirts.

karaoke is serious business

so one night when me and tarrance were walking around uptown and we decided to stop in at the ole buddha belly for some karaoke. details on the night are completely lost to history.  i remember singing Imagine by the Beatles by i did it A Perfect Circle style.

some point in the song i took a pen out of one of my pockets and began cutting my chest with it. apparently very deep, enough to draw blood.

the people in the crowd stare in horror, tarrance stares in horror and now i have a scar on my chest from karaoke.  because that’s normal.

anyway, i kinda went on about my life, like no big deal, people do this all the time. a few weeks pass and i’m in a restaurant ordering food. the waitress, a cute something looks at me and says “wait, you’re that guy, that guy that was cutting himself on stage?”

i was fairly sober when i was at the restaurant so it really catches me off and i just say “yah that was a good night”

it gets better.

i’m at another bar just last week and some girl that i apparently had a hour long conversation with which i have absolutely no recollection of.  she says basically the same thing and i respond with the same “yah that was a good night”. i really wish i could remember what i said to her that night because her boyfriend is really not happy about me. i’m not sure what he said, ive never met this guy…usually i back off when chick’s have a boyfriend because it’s just pointless, just chill.

anyway, i have nick and allie with me and they are basically my body guards when i go out drinking. if i start talking to someone i shouldn’t talk, they help me out, etc. they have gotten me out of some potentially really super bad situations.

the guy is pretty drunk apparently, like completely blacked out but i don’t know this. i have my hand on the spiderco ready to get to stab someone legally.

his girlfriend is trying to get him out cuz he’s starting to corner other people in the bar when he finally comes over to our table(right next to the door).

nick and allie have dealt with him before apparently because the guy looks at nick and says “you’re the guy that said you’d cut my face, i remember you”

a few paragraphs of strange insults later, the guy finally asks my name.

i tell him and his face changes. he says “do you hate it when people call you mike?” and i nod. because i do. this gets him on a 10 minute rant about how you should call people by what they introduce themselves as, especially if you’re named michael.

he leaves and the cab they called pulls up immediately.

anywy, i guess the moral of this story is a great stage presence is not always…great.

answered my own questions

i think i’ve started answering my own questions from the previous post.  i really need to be less pessimistic about myself. there are plenty of great things about me that would attract someone that i actually consider worthy of my lofty standards for relationship material…

definitely nervous, i need to relax and realize who i’m dealing with and just chill out.

it’s funny, the older the friend, the more they approve of it…anyway.

the myth of the relationship

fyi i’m totally sober writing this. this line will make sense a few paragraphs below.

weekends are the worst when you’re a single male living in the US. your options are basically staying home or leaving the house. a or b. now when you end up leaving the house, you’re going to run into people, many of those are women. now most of them are not what you’re looking for but companionship is companionship…the whole sitting on the couch and watching tv with someone after eating dinner is highly underrated. especially when it’s a real moment that you both realize you’re using each other for the same exact thing and continue doing it. oh well, she moved.

the real problem has come from what has been built up in our society. a generation raised with the idea that you’ll find this one person and you’ll be compatible and live happier ever after. the problem arguing against this is that a large portion of my friends and a huge portion of people “i know” have done exactly that.

there is also a whole paragraph i could write about the people trapped in loveless or terrible relationships but they know it and hate it so i don’t want to even bring it up. even tho i just did 🙁

then there are a lot of us who haven’t. the lonely older people. it sucks huh? well, i’m tired of being down about it. i have a bad habit of pondering “maybe ive already met her”….i mean maybe you should have stayed with valerie and tried to make it work, maybe ashley was one i should have stayed with, maybe kelly would have got her shit together…the rear view mirror is not where to look…

a few weeks ago i got to spend some time with someone i could honestly say i cannot get over. friends have commented that i’ve been head over heels for this way too long and asks if there is something more there. i tell them i don’t know.

the worst part is the pessimistic side of me is afraid to ever actually get to call her my girlfriend…i have so much baggage, mistrust, etc that it’s probably just too late, even for her? or does all that shit just disappear and she accepts me for who i am…that might be the disney society thing again.

you’re supposed to “take things slow” with people but i can’t stop thinking about every lonely second spent could be the exact opposite of how i’m feeling now.

then you gotta look at the “oh well, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen” bullshit…this one is my favorite because it’s such a agnostic excuse for loneliness.  it’s out of my control that she isn’t living down here…if it eventually happens then it will. this is just the real lonely bitter dark before the dawn, yeah sure 🙂

i guess it’s my role in this to try to appeal as attractive as possible which probably does not include writing posts like this.

so i spend my time working out, trying to make money and just existing and waiting for something to happen.

the thing that gets me is that i’m feeling anything like this. after the last few months i should be glad to even be sitting here. completely back  to the start. again. circles and circles.

tarrance came to visit me and was amazed at how my apartment is basically a nice replica of the old apartments he used to see me in. nothing has changed, nothing will change, all of this is pretedetermined.

or it’s not.

i want a reminder that i can choose my fate. or i want a reminder that i can’t. it’s great, just sitting on the fence watching the world exist and trying to find a reason it.

and no i’m not going to find jesus. i found god in my mid 20’s when i was really into **** so i know there is something but it never seems to answer the question of loneliness. just a constant “everything will be okay” which is kind of a blanket statement.

anyway, lets stay on topic.

i really need to take a long look in the mirror and realize how much better this is then marrying really young, etc. Everyone wonders, i know they do. Grass is always greener. Screw it, at least the saints are undefeated. Probably going to lose now that i said that 🙁