thank you for coming to visit me

wow, i felt such price putting my LA license plate in the back of my undercover cop car. As i was walking out of the title place with my plate the guy said “yah i bet your surveillance vehicle has some stories to tell”.

I turn to him totally straight faced and say “yah it’s funny how the survaillancer becomes the survaillanced”. He literally laughs outloud, says “cheers” and closes the door.

I am no longer “riding durty” with my car. I have all the necessary paperwork to operate this vehicle and no i will not put my hands up and get out of the car.

This was great picking up my beautiful friend Ashley without a license plate.

Ashley came to visit me this weekend for a little vacation from her life. Her life has been pretty much wrecked because of me so i’ll give you a little character development before i dive into this update. About 2 months ago Ashley signs onto aim. We begin talking and i tell her a little about what i want to do to her if i ever see her.

The punch line is this isn’t really Ashley. It’s her mom! Anyway, Ashley has a huge fight with her mom and ends up leaving her mom’s house and moves in with her cousin. She sleeps there on a inflatable mattress(yah i know, the similarities are already glaring) for about a month or two.

She takes the train down last Friday to come see me. I text her about 7:30am when she should be on the train, tired as hell, on her way. No response.

I sit at work and think “that’s a little weird, i know cellphones get reception on the train cuz i lived on that fucking train for a few weeks of my life”. I leave work, go work out at the gym like usual and decide to go to the train station since i doubt she’s sitting with her friends laughing at the idea of my lame ass crying into my hands at the train station. But it’s probably my turn for something this depressing to happen.

I call her cellphone anyway and do not get a response. 🙁

I call Amtrak on the way there(i have their number in my phone) and they say the train got in about 15 minutes ago. Alright, here’s for great first impressions.

I pick her up and i give her a small tour of the garden district and we grab some food. She left her cellphone in Memphis and thats why she didn’t return the text message.

We then make our way into the quarter and i get completely lost trying to find our hotel. Finally my better judgment gets us there.
We do the normal Bourbon street thing with huge evil daiquiris. She is really stressed out by the street mime people who stand on milk crates and not move a inch while people lol and stare, etc. A guy that looks just like the “tin man” from the wizard of oz, and looks a lot like this, makes eye contact with us on his box.

tinmanneworleans.jpgI tell her it’s a normal french quarter thing to see, etc, etc.

About 2 hours afterwards we’re walking down a dark alley and i smell that unmistakable smell. My nipples get a little hard and i start to turn left and right to try to tell where it’s coming from.

The tinman is walking down the middle of the street smoking a joint. We both look over like “WTF” and he turns to us and says “TAH TIN MAN IS TAKIN A LIL CHRONIC BREAK” and offers me a hit. Since i fucking hate weed, the music it has inspired, the website updates it has created and the lives it has ruined, i decline.

I honestly wish i did do drugs or even drink or do anything that could get me laid off from my contract at ******** because it would have been a great story to smoke a joint with the tin man in New Orleans.


We do the typical New Orleans tourist things which include drinking around Jackson square, getting a really disturbing tarot card reading, river walk, steak and monsoons at port of call, hangovers, etc.

We’re watching the Saints game at a hole in the wall ball on Bourbon when i get a text message on my phone from a 901 number. I hate when this happens. NOTHING has ever been good from this.

It’s Ashley’s friend. She says “i know you don’t know me but please have her call me”. I show this to her and she calls her back. Apparently her cousin has moved out of her husband’s apartment(where Ashley was staying) and she is now staying somewhere there isn’t room for Asheley to stay.

I have now ruined Ashley’s life (squared). I offer her a place to live here and she respectively declines. I guess I’ve done enough damage.

I drop her off at the train station and head back to work Monday. Back to working 10 hours a day, working out at the gym, drinking myself to sleep and wondering why.

If you’re reading this, this was a wonderful weekend and I’m sorry i keep ruining your life. I hope I’m worth it. I seriously think it might be time for me to retire myself from everything.

It was nice living like a normal for a few days but you can’t stop whats coming and you can’t stop what is already here.

Time for a nice evening of cutting, gin and single life.

i am numb to everything

So im in a meeting the other day when i get a phone call from the car title place im getting my license plate from. I politely excuse myself and walk out to the hallway.

“Mr ***, we’ve ran across a problem with you’re car that we’ve never seen before.”

I think there is a time when that would have surprised me but i was like “okay what is it, stolen? come on, let me have it”.

Turns out that my car was used in several undercover surveillance operations and the police department that used it needs to  release some paper work on it before a civilian like me can get plates.

Guess this means another week of “ridin durty” with no license plate. 🙁

i have a wonderful idea to solve the middle east crisis

So i’m thinking today about the iraq insurgency and i came up with a wonderful little plan that i’m positive will work. We take a page from history, in honor of Thanksgiving, and give all the Sunni and Shiite rebels land for casinos and outlaw gambling in Iraq.

This will obviously work because deep down inside everyone is guilty of greed. Sure it make take a few generations and a few trail of tears but sooner or later these silly Muslims will realize that the only way to attack at the Zionist heart is to steal our money with “loose slots” and buffets.

I’ll take my Nobel peace prize now or you can just mail it to me.

walmart purgatory

So this saturday i woke up at 6am and rode the free bus to baton rouge to go to the police auction. On the bus ride up there Dickie gave me some good advice on how to purchase cars at a police auction. You give your driver’s license to the old scary woman, she gives you a key to go start a car. You start it up, pop the hood, put it in drive, drive it a little forward, put it in reverse, drive it back into it’s spot. I tried 3-4 different cars, one of which would go forward and wouldn’t go in reverse.

It came down to a Chevy Malibu and a Dodge Intrepid. The Malibu got way too rich for my blood way too fast and i backed down. When it came to the Intrepid I didn’t back down and got it for right at $1,700. Not bad.

Dickie and I pull out of the auction lot and decide to head to a Wal*Mart to get a battery and a oil change since it needed both very badly.

This is where my judgement spirals downhill.

It takes the idiot at Wal*Mart almost 3 hours to put a battery in which i think i could have even put in 30 minutes. I dunno if you’ve ever spent 3 hours in a Wal*Mart just killing time but i don’t reccomend it. After about a hour we both started losing it. We got yelled at for skateboarding in the toys section. Dickie fondeled a stuffed cat in the hunting section. I bought french fries from the Mc Donald’s inside. Dickie bought a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt which he changed into in the middle of the jewery section. I pretended like i didn’t know him.
It seriously felt like we lost 3 years of our lives wandering around this place. I ended up buying a pair of socks and one of those portable battery chargers(for the future).

Consumerism surrounds us. It’s been like over 2 hours now for a simple battery change. I could have done it faster. Apparently the fact that you have to take off a wheel to put in a battery is really fucking with the guy. Dickie and i finally go out, walk into the garage(where customers are not allowed to go) help the guy put the battery in, play and leave, and drive back to nola. Losing only 3 hours of our saturday. *stab*


So i was at work today in the bathroom reading on my cellphone like i normally do. Whenever i connect and see BREAKING NEWS in all caps at the top of the page, i get a little excited. Something has happened! Something that might affect me! Terrorism! Big accident!

Newp, Brittany is getting divorced.

Glad i dropped the toliet paper for nothing.

Now the old me would go into a rant about how that shit shouldn’t matter to us but you’ve heard it all before……

i guess im bi now :(

So the other night i went out to eat with Wes. He was showing me his new Ipod, telling me how great it was, etc.

I came home all drunk, loaded up and bought one.

I guess i’m bi now.

I feel a lot better now that i’ve talked about it. I feel like such a hypocrite tho. Don’t think this is a new start for me. I’m not going to buy one of those stupid over priced ibooks and start listening to Morrisey.

It’s weird how im justifying it too. Like “oh i just want something to have while i run” which sounds a lot like “im lonely and imma start sleeping with guys”.

Blah, im going to have to get so drunk to install itunes.

That’s like unprotected gay sex.

Now im starting to want to blame microsoft and zune for not making a better cheaper product. That’s like saying i’m dating guys because there are not enough hot girls around.

I’m trying to think of some more analogies but i can’t make myself feel better. Oh well, it gets here tomorrow. Might as well put on the pink fishnet shirt and lube up.