acid

i really need to start doing this more often…i had a very very very beautiful day of walking through the park while calling friends who i hadn’t talked to in a while.

saw the most beautiful sunset over the lake while talking to my new friend. apparently last night i told her that i loved her and that isn’t the sort of thing you should say to people lightly…so it goes tho.

anyway, very nice day appreciating the beauty of the world…probably a little more intense then the other people in the park but still none the less.

talking with E while tripping really has me wondering about who i fundamentally really am…am i a good person…i feel like the things i do are mostly bad and end in pain and suffering for everyone so….yeah, i shouldn’t feel guilty and i wear black for a reason.

just need to practice discipline.

fucking friday shit show

Friday is always my favorite day of the week. I had a 10am meeting at the office with a new client to kick off the new year in somewhat of a positive note. Had lunch with my sales guy and had some super deep conversation about how our proposal is phrased and how we sell what we do. I actually almost feel more lost then i did before but that’s kinda good.

After lunch i stayed at the bar and continued to drink and “work” until my best friend H got there. I bought her some amazing nachos and several glasses of wine. I’ve told her before but i love being around her, she’s very entertaining. Kinda shows what my humor level is like that it’s only people who work at fucking funeral homes.

We leave there after i spend about $116 in trade credit since they are a customer and she buys wine and i pick up some photos from walgreens. Oh, i need to remember to post that.

So we go back and P cooks himself a steak in my kitchen while i drink the wine H bought for me. It’s 9pm tho, time to go to karaoke. I forced one of them to give me a ride to my spot. I had been drinking for about a solid 10 hours at this point so i wasn’t really my best. I wish i had brought the camera, always bring the camera…It was a rough walk home.

It’s about 2 miles and it’s not all like on sidewalks so i’m strolling through people’s front lawns, completely blacked out, usually singing outloud whatever song i just sang at karaoke. This is also when i get my best drunk dialing, before and after karaoke, anyway.

My other friend P left me a hit of acid when he came to visit recently and i decided that today was a perfect day to do it. I took it after eating a nice big breakfast and now sitting in the condo waiting for it to start. Or has it…ugh, okay well, it’s a nice day out and i’m going to go walk in the park.

After this beer.

I’m so fucking close to just burning this life down. Resign from every organization, double everyone’s price, sell the condo, take whatever money i get out of that, get rid of that damn car and just buy a 1 way ticket. I can always have a storage unit in new orleans for certain things i never want to lose but there is no reason to just sit here. Every week when I drive to rotary i have that terrible sense i’m going to just be stuck here because of what i do and what i charge…i kinda just want to quit.

Okay, good time for a walk.

memphis

When i go to memphis i really enjoy going to my old haunts. I tried to see as many as i could this last time i didn’t do as good as i wanted but maybe next time. I’m actually thinking about going to memphis more often just because it’s nice to get out of new orleans and the cost of living is lower and make it more fun to have fun.

anyway, i really enjoy going up there. I’m a firm believer that the women in memphis are way more hot then new orleans. I want to figure out a good cheap airbnb in midtown that i can stay at and just take the train up every few months. I really like the anonymity of it too, i rarely run into people i know.

Part of me even wants to just throw my arms up and give up and just move back to memphis and do point2point there again. It’d be nice to be closer to my mom and dad and sister and her husband but i honestly kinda like my solitude from everyone down here all alone.

Oh well, with my finances i need to remember i shouldn’t be doing anything fun ever. Just save money and pay off debt :-/

The balance

I talk about this a lot but there is a balance in life that i want to achieve again.

It’s not a pipe dream, it’s something i’ve experienced in several periods of my life. It’s been a long time since i had it but it’s been done in the last few years.

It’s very basic and has simple rules. I just have to exercise. Everyday, rest on sunday. Just no exceptions. I’ve started thinking that maybe just start really basic everyday, wake up, do situps and leg lifts, a few minutes of it every morning to keep my stomach flat’ish.

Running tho, running is so important and i gotta keep with it. I did 5 miles today after not running for months and loved every second. If I can get back up to 3 days a week running and the rest working on upper body i’ll finally get to where i actually feel like i’m attractive, which i’m not at the moment.

also more fucking salads, salads for lunch.

I read somewhere online that men lose a bunch of testosterone at 40 and i’m getting closer to that each day. I want to be able get a head start on it before i get old and fat and alone.

I mean older, fatter and more alone then i am now…yikes, that’s a fun thought.

It’s a cute meme on facebook about how your pool body starts in the winter time and it’s kinda true. I’ll be jumping in the pool and chilling in my float before i know it.

Or i’ll die before then, there’s that.

Fucking social media

So i realized the other day that it’s time to start writing here because the facebook algorithms are probably hiding some of the best content and would rather just start putting it all in one place.

I just installed the wordpress app on my phone so i can start just dumping all my photos up here, need to tie it in with instagram and fb and will be all set.

anyway, so yeah, 2018 was probably just as shitty as 2017. it’s hard to even keep track if i’m winning or losing.

It’s cliche to say but i think i’m going to just try to do better in 2019. I already have started trying to instill healthy habits while still having “fun”.

There have been several times of my life where i get the balance that i love. Everyday exercising and improving physically while still partying. Towards the end of 2018 i really came unglued and fucked up a few things that i’m wondering if they can be fixed. At this point a lot of this situations are 100% out of my control and just need to react the best way possible.

One nice thing tho is I recently met someone who REALLY likes me. I keep trying to think of the last woman i dated/slept with that enjoy my looks as much as her, it’s really pretty wonderful. I’ve been upfront with her as possible about my past and how i’m not really looking for monogamy at the moment after being loyal to Tanya for years. I’m just not gonna try it anymore. I’m going to be “good” and not tell them about it unless they ask because they get off on the idea of being with other women(some do).

I know she is eventually going to get serious feelings for me, think she might already since we spent new years together. I’ll worry about that when it gets too much but she honestly just enjoys having the company and she really enjoys the sex.

Trying to take it slow but it’s hard to have sex with someone more then once without emotion. It’s worrisome because we have a lot of mutual friends so when and if it does end, i have to be super careful.

Almost done with 2017

This has been the worst year since last year but I’m trying to remain positive. Things could be WAY worse while also being fucking terrible.

There’s money in the bank, a woman who loves me, condo is one year more paid off. Hired a new assistant too who is in the process of being setup which helps drastically with my mood and optimism. I’ve never made as much money as i have when i had someone to help, it was time.

The only problem tho is i fantasy daily about burning it all down. Fire the receptionists, everything goes to voicemail. Keep the developer and keep the bookeeper, close the office and liquidate the entire room.

Work from home while i wait for the realtor to find a buyer for the condo. If it doesn’t fit in the car then it’s not important enough to own. I lust over that feeling i’ve had twice now in my life, once in memphis when i gave away and sold everything to move here for that job and again when i was roaming the country after the hurricane ate everything.

It’s more then wanderlust or whatever bullshit term it is. I’m just bored with my timeblocks here. I’ve talked with business coaches and everyone but i’ve really lost my urge to do this. Hiring someone will help…i’m not a natural leader but i work harder when i have someone meeting me at the office. Already have her fist 2 real huge tasks lined up, just gotta create all the usernames and passwords to get me to get her to make me some money.

Winter time just fucking sucks. It’s nice to have a break from the heat but the condo is the worst place ever without having a pool to swim in. I’m actually gonna grill this weekend all bundled up like fuck you can’t stop this. All of my friends in the building have moved so i just spend days alone watching netflix. Tomorrow after the maids clean up, i’m going to setup the painting gear and start working on something. I’m at a loss at what to paint but the first step is setting it up. Or just go back to my basics and paint PBR cans and bananas.

The only thing I really need to start doing is brewing beer again. It’s such a couple related hobby for me, always has been and in my current state of loneliness i haven’t…this is the time of the year tho. I’m going to start again, need to go brewing supply store this wednesday after rotary. Buy 2 kits, brew them back to back next weekend, 2 buckets of beer aging while christmas happens. I could get someone to help me bottle, i have friends, i suppose.

I’ve stockpiled a insane amount of bottles…the way i look at it too, if i do burn this life down like i think about it, i gotta get those bottles out of here, might as well be filled with something that will give people joy instead of just going in the dumpster.

Okay, im fucking doing it, wednesday going and buying 2 basic kits. Nothing crazy, maybe a amber or a nice stout beer since it’s that time of year. I’m going to sit and paint while i boil water. No more fucking wasting time mindlessly scrolling through facebook. I read something recently about time blocking social media. Giving yourself a hour a day but only a specific time. Churn through it, reply to messages, etc and then just stop and do absolutely anything but that.

I’ve been really wondering about it all, like, there is a fine line between art and “producing”. I want to “produce” as much as i can but it’s such a battle to produce things and still make it something that is original. Makes me want to watch exit through the gift shop. There is no line, it’s all just in our head. Anyone who creates anything in exchange for anything is a sell out. Also none of this fucking matters anyway so even thinking about it just masturbation. I said it thursday in a meeting…if you have a problem with my attitude it’s kinda more your problem, none of us get out of this alive, stop taking it so seriously.

Hell, at least anything i paint or stencil has a chance of outlasting me. I was talking with my web designer today and we’re going to have send out notices to any sites that are 5+ years because they just gotta get redesigned. I’ve always hated that i’m not a architect that builds things that last decades and centuries. It’s all fleeting. Stop obsessing about it ya know?

I have goals for 2018. Written down, over and over. I’m going to get everything to a beautiful zen moment where i look at it and go “okay cool, that’s done”. I’m never going to sell the web business but i want it cut and dry. 2-3 projects a month and no stress. Tons of exercise. Need to pick the guitar up again. Decided I’m taking it to the office and setting it up there.

You work, or you pick up the guitar and play. Make one self patting congratulatory post on facebook checking in to the office, close the window. This year is so close to being done and i don’t feel like i’ve done shit with this year. Which is actually kind of a lie. I’ve got some seriously good memories of this year.

I’ve set a early alarm. First step to feeling anything remotely close to content is to clean where you live. Dishes in dishwasher, laundry in laundry, maids do the rest. Take it nice and easy, a beer every 3-4 hours when the Fear starts to take hold. Benzos on monday and tuesday, nice productive wednesday and then fall apart friday at the christmas party and act like a jerk. Another weekend completely alone and sad then book it back up monday, rave it up hard at the christmas party on wednesday with the rotary club, go to your bni lunch and hopefully get on the road afterwards.

I’m still thinking about a train…the drive to memphis is this thing i can’t even really put into words how much i hate. Sitting on the train and drinking wine and eating cheese vs fucking traffic in jackson ms and that sinking feeling i get while driving in. I’m going to get a quote tomorrow for a train ticket and a rental car tomorrow, just dunno if i wanna put myself through that drive.

As a plus I’ll be seeing my Tanya soon…either in memphis or meeting in new orleans and spending new years together. That’s tomorrow toad’s problem is solving that. Getting a uber to the train, nice peaceful train ride, rental car picking me up at the train station and driving to parents sounds a lot better then a 6 hour introspective nightmare driving through fucking MS. Quality of life is becoming more important as i feel like life is ending sooner and faster then i wanted or expected.

Tanya just reminded me that it’s karaoke tonight…it’s fucking 37 degrees, wonder if he will even be there. The allure of going when you know very few people are there means the chance to sing more. Ugh i should go..

Marla died today

I can’t believe I just typed that title. She had a good life. She really did. She grew up in Memphis with me working from home and her personality was really built from that in a sense.

Spending so much time with me on a day to day basis gave her the ability to learn so much english that it was like you were with a real person. We spent days and days together. Working from home you don’t see many people so a dog was important.

Marla was part of so many house parties. She enjoyed parties because people would pet her.

She came with me when I moved to New Orleans. She almost got shot by NOPD on St Patricks day. She survived a pretty rough car crash and I had to go get her from doggy jail in St Tammany. She was so happy to see me when I got her out, I won’t forget that.

We went our separate ways after hurricane issac destroyed my apartment. I took her to Memphis with me while I tried to figure out what the fuck to do with my broken life. My parents kinda forcibly adopted her. It made sense, i was homeless.

When I decided to move back to New Orleans my parents somewhat insisted she stay with them and their new puppy since they had bonded. Moving back while homeless was no place for a older dog so I obliged.

I got to see her one last time about a week ago when my parents were in Destin. She was super skinny, I kinda knew it was the last time but I’m always a optimist when I know things are not going to work out.

Best dog ever, goodbye Marla.

Relaunching this site

I’m going to relaunch this site in 2016. I’m currently in the process of redesigning the site as well as adding some new fun things. The main goal is that I’m tired of spamming Facebook with my crap and need a better avenue for my clever writing.