This has been the worst year since last year but I’m trying to remain positive. Things could be WAY worse while also being fucking terrible.
There’s money in the bank, a woman who loves me, condo is one year more paid off. Hired a new assistant too who is in the process of being setup which helps drastically with my mood and optimism. I’ve never made as much money as i have when i had someone to help, it was time.
The only problem tho is i fantasy daily about burning it all down. Fire the receptionists, everything goes to voicemail. Keep the developer and keep the bookeeper, close the office and liquidate the entire room.
Work from home while i wait for the realtor to find a buyer for the condo. If it doesn’t fit in the car then it’s not important enough to own. I lust over that feeling i’ve had twice now in my life, once in memphis when i gave away and sold everything to move here for that job and again when i was roaming the country after the hurricane ate everything.
It’s more then wanderlust or whatever bullshit term it is. I’m just bored with my timeblocks here. I’ve talked with business coaches and everyone but i’ve really lost my urge to do this. Hiring someone will help…i’m not a natural leader but i work harder when i have someone meeting me at the office. Already have her fist 2 real huge tasks lined up, just gotta create all the usernames and passwords to get me to get her to make me some money.
Winter time just fucking sucks. It’s nice to have a break from the heat but the condo is the worst place ever without having a pool to swim in. I’m actually gonna grill this weekend all bundled up like fuck you can’t stop this. All of my friends in the building have moved so i just spend days alone watching netflix. Tomorrow after the maids clean up, i’m going to setup the painting gear and start working on something. I’m at a loss at what to paint but the first step is setting it up. Or just go back to my basics and paint PBR cans and bananas.
The only thing I really need to start doing is brewing beer again. It’s such a couple related hobby for me, always has been and in my current state of loneliness i haven’t…this is the time of the year tho. I’m going to start again, need to go brewing supply store this wednesday after rotary. Buy 2 kits, brew them back to back next weekend, 2 buckets of beer aging while christmas happens. I could get someone to help me bottle, i have friends, i suppose.
I’ve stockpiled a insane amount of bottles…the way i look at it too, if i do burn this life down like i think about it, i gotta get those bottles out of here, might as well be filled with something that will give people joy instead of just going in the dumpster.
Okay, im fucking doing it, wednesday going and buying 2 basic kits. Nothing crazy, maybe a amber or a nice stout beer since it’s that time of year. I’m going to sit and paint while i boil water. No more fucking wasting time mindlessly scrolling through facebook. I read something recently about time blocking social media. Giving yourself a hour a day but only a specific time. Churn through it, reply to messages, etc and then just stop and do absolutely anything but that.
I’ve been really wondering about it all, like, there is a fine line between art and “producing”. I want to “produce” as much as i can but it’s such a battle to produce things and still make it something that is original. Makes me want to watch exit through the gift shop. There is no line, it’s all just in our head. Anyone who creates anything in exchange for anything is a sell out. Also none of this fucking matters anyway so even thinking about it just masturbation. I said it thursday in a meeting…if you have a problem with my attitude it’s kinda more your problem, none of us get out of this alive, stop taking it so seriously.
Hell, at least anything i paint or stencil has a chance of outlasting me. I was talking with my web designer today and we’re going to have send out notices to any sites that are 5+ years because they just gotta get redesigned. I’ve always hated that i’m not a architect that builds things that last decades and centuries. It’s all fleeting. Stop obsessing about it ya know?
I have goals for 2018. Written down, over and over. I’m going to get everything to a beautiful zen moment where i look at it and go “okay cool, that’s done”. I’m never going to sell the web business but i want it cut and dry. 2-3 projects a month and no stress. Tons of exercise. Need to pick the guitar up again. Decided I’m taking it to the office and setting it up there.
You work, or you pick up the guitar and play. Make one self patting congratulatory post on facebook checking in to the office, close the window. This year is so close to being done and i don’t feel like i’ve done shit with this year. Which is actually kind of a lie. I’ve got some seriously good memories of this year.
I’ve set a early alarm. First step to feeling anything remotely close to content is to clean where you live. Dishes in dishwasher, laundry in laundry, maids do the rest. Take it nice and easy, a beer every 3-4 hours when the Fear starts to take hold. Benzos on monday and tuesday, nice productive wednesday and then fall apart friday at the christmas party and act like a jerk. Another weekend completely alone and sad then book it back up monday, rave it up hard at the christmas party on wednesday with the rotary club, go to your bni lunch and hopefully get on the road afterwards.
I’m still thinking about a train…the drive to memphis is this thing i can’t even really put into words how much i hate. Sitting on the train and drinking wine and eating cheese vs fucking traffic in jackson ms and that sinking feeling i get while driving in. I’m going to get a quote tomorrow for a train ticket and a rental car tomorrow, just dunno if i wanna put myself through that drive.
As a plus I’ll be seeing my Tanya soon…either in memphis or meeting in new orleans and spending new years together. That’s tomorrow toad’s problem is solving that. Getting a uber to the train, nice peaceful train ride, rental car picking me up at the train station and driving to parents sounds a lot better then a 6 hour introspective nightmare driving through fucking MS. Quality of life is becoming more important as i feel like life is ending sooner and faster then i wanted or expected.
Tanya just reminded me that it’s karaoke tonight…it’s fucking 37 degrees, wonder if he will even be there. The allure of going when you know very few people are there means the chance to sing more. Ugh i should go..