cut and bleed web sitescrackhore.com – None of this is really actually happening.

I never write on this site anymore…wish to change that but i realize i just…don’t.

The last update was about Kendra which i can honestly say is going very well.  I always find it very special to date someone above 90 days which i think we’re getting close to at this point. Usually by then things have fallen apart. It’s never my fault, never theirs…things just…fall apart. Just the way life goes for me.

She really loves me tho, i can feel it just as i’ve felt it from women in my past. I think she’s changed her mind about leaving in a year when her semester is up but we’re both making plans to go somewhere else together. I’ve been kinda over living in new orleans for about a year now. This life i’m living here, the company, everything, could exist forever in this state but i’m just burned out on it. A change would do me well.

One interesting thing about Kendra is now she will eat meat…she ate a entire piece of bacon a few weeks ago and even ate some horribly cooked baked chicken i made last night. This makes me happy.

My sushi experiences continues to climb…we continue to check places off in new orleans that have sushi in my never ending quest to try all of the places. I’ve started to try to branch out from the basics such as smoked salmon and rainbow rolls to eels and such but i take it very slowly.

I lost my health insurance recently and have had a terrible time at securing someone to insure me despite my…problems. I’ve been weening myself off of welbutrin, taking a dose every other day and i’m starting to really not enjoy life. Kendra has noticed i’m not as cheery and fun…not making jokes as i used to. It’s a terrible feeling to feel your personality diminished and even a worse feeling wondering if you are going to lose your new girlfriend because of it.

I’ve never been a cheerful fun person. I enjoy the beautuy of life as much as the next guy but things like my bank account balance and my future life is a constant worry. I can always trade that worry for a cubicle and 8 hours of my life a day dedicated to being someone’s bitch but then this post would just be about that sucking instead of this. It’s hard to describe to her that even tho i look sullen and miserable that i’m actually extremely happy to be spending time with her and disappointed in myself that i can’t just fucking cheer up and love the moment i’m living in.

The thing is i do…i just don’t let on to it. I realize how awesome it is to lay in the sun with my awesome sexy girlfriend and drink whiskey and laugh. I dunno, hard to explain. It just sucks…i hate to think what it’s like to be with someone who is all full of energy and life then stops taking a prescribed medication and turns into a dark brooding creature that no one wants to be around.

Worst part is there is a huge part of me that wants to force her to break up with me to avoid putting her through the guilt of leaving because i’m no longer fun. Like tearing off a bandaide, get the pain out of the way as fast as possible instead of letting it broad side me…

Only time will tell…trying not to dwell too much. One mistake i see in most people’s relationships is the level of obsessiveness in the other’s happiness. If she is over this then she’ll probably let me know pretty quickly. One of the things i love about her is she wouldn’t put up with something she wasn’t happy with.

I’ve read on reddit threads about showing self confidence and whatever and one piece of advice sticks out a lot. Something along the lines of faking it until you feel it. From now on I’m just going to pretend I’m happy until it just feels that way. I’ve been working out twice a day the last week trying to just keep adrenaline running through my veins as much as possible to ignore the constant realization that my life is falling apart one piece at a time until i’m living at my parent’s house wondering what went wrong.

Shit, maybe i’m not doing it yet, i’m gonna start acting happy tho.

After this post.

Must…continue..updating.

We started talking on october 28th…almost 2 months now…wow. I had to login to okcupid to see that. Two months is a long time for me.

Kendra is a interesting situation. I’ll try to sum her up in a short paragraph, the way she has maybe summed me up in post it note…she doesn’t want to live here for long…moving back to the south east is her plan and was upfront with that before anything ever started.

I’m good at seducing tho…i can be very charming when i want to be. Anyway…she is in love with me and i love her…i can type it. There is something about her that is obviously different from anyone I have met in a long time. We differ on huge major aspects of moral and ethic ideas but these will be quickly dissolved in hatred or love.

Opposites attract tho, something about me is drawing her towards me and vice versa. The problem is she is different then what i normally attract and i need to change my thought process. I’m a sadistic person, i like making women feel insecure to increase my attractiveness…it’s not that big of deal to say it anymore. The trick is to make her realize that it’s just my sick humor and not how i feel. I joke with her because i feel comfortable with her…i don’t do that with just anyone.

She accepted my facebook relationship request so that’s pretty much marriage in my book. She doesn’t even know about this site yet…sigh.

I’m not sure how to write this post so i’m just going to get started and let it kinda fill itself in.  My upstairs neighbor and her friend decided to surprise me when i came home from a night drinking by hiding in my bed. Only problem is i’m actually in that bed massaging my…she’s not a girlfriend but we’re on our 6th date(she’s on her way now)… so we’re i guess better friends then..not.

We went out to dinner and come back to my apartment for wine and whatever I’m allowed to get away with. I open the backdoor and let Marla out and leave the door cracked so she can get inside.

Now Kendra is beautiful,  a perfect specimen of what I’m attracted to. We are very compatiable, especially sexually,  she had a rough week and after dinner i told her I would rub her back.  I really have to mention again just how beautiful Kendra is. She is the type of girl that I honestly think i deserve. Years after she has forgotten me I will remember how perfect she looks. Anyway, it’s  a extremely romantic moment, i have candles let, i’m rubbing lotion into her beautiful back and shoulders. We’re both naked. I’m very aware she is naked and I’m very aware of this.(erection)

I hear footsteps. I hear them because I have no music playing so it registers instantly. Those are footsteps, in your apartment, at about 1am on a Saturday morning. There is a certain routine you’ve practiced, read about and are ready to deal with.

I’d like to say something at this point that this is new orleans. There are literally thousands of black people(and white people) who want to take my things, my white woman, my life, and my web hosting customers. I’ve never felt safe in this city and own guns for this exact moment.

I roll off of Kendra’s perfectly formed breasts and ass, pull the Remington 870 shotgun from underneath the bed. I slide a shell into the chamber and come around the corner of my bedroom and point the shotgun. Usually at this point when someone hears that sound they realize they might have broke into the wrong apartment.

I flash the light mounted on the shotgun and it’s Sarah and Alex, both completely drunk. They see me standing there, completely naked, pointing a loaded shotgun at them, yelling GET THE FUCK OUT. Kinda imagine american history x but with a shotgun instead of a handgun. And instead of niggers stealing my truck it’s fucking Sarah and Alex in my kitchen.

They both run from the apartment, I slam the door. I walk back, unload the shotgun and get back in bed trying to do a “so where were we”. We then have really intense sex…because i just almost shot 2 people trying to sneak into my fucking apartment.

I am pretty livid when i wake up but im trying to play it cool because i really like Kendra and just try to shake it off. There is a bottle of jack daniels(which im drinking right now) on my doorstep this morning when i walk Kendra out.

I’ve never came that close to ending another life. There have been close calls while driving and I’ve probably almost stabbed people walking home from karaoke but I’ve never pointed the shotgun at someone at this proximity with the intent to kill.

Everyone is alive and okay. Sarah and Alex learned a very important lesson that you should NEVER sneak into someone’s apartment. Especially when they own several fire arms and have a persecution complex. Alex also learned that i have a extremely big penis.

My instinct is to never to talk to Sarah or Alex again. I was extremely close to ending both of their lives. People have told me that I need to look at it in a lighter light, that I missed out on a 4thsome with all of them. It’s all about perspective i guess.

I’m trying to see if i can get to page 1 in google with the title tag of fuck bitches get money but i’m not even on page 8.

I must update more.

anyway.

About fucking bitches and getting money. Lemme tell you something about the banana costume. I’m not sure where the idea even came from but i decided to be a banana for halloween. It arrives from amazon in less then 48 hours and i wear it to my friend josh’s pumpkin carving party.

I next wore it in the 6t9 parade and some point in the evening i’m drinking wine…which i spill all over the front of the banana costume. Yeah, big huge stain, so awesome haha

I next don it on the friday before halloween for a costume party at the dungeon that my friends daisy and mike invited me to. Yeah, just imagine a costume party at the dungeon…we’ll get to that later.

We of course are meeting up at flannagans for a few drinks before we head there and i arrive very early. I get a shot of jager in me and start walking around trying to find someone i know to talk to. I walk outside and almost walk into this girl. A little shorter then me, spiked short black hair, full sleeves, tattoos all the way up to her neck, lip pierced, dressed in all black. She’s startled cuz this banana comes out of no where.

now most everyone knows that i have a type…that is…her.

She is very impressed with the banana costume and wants a picture of me with her. I oblige and someone takes the pic.

now beyond popular belief, i am a fairly intelligent guy. I’m not a great programmer, not particular bright in anything but sometimes except recognizing opportunity. i see one. I tell her she has to send it to me, gotta put it on facebook, etc.

she punches in my number into her cell and sends me the pic…

cell # acquired, proceed to step 2b

eventually the next day she mentions in texts that the other really really attractive girl she is with is her girlfriend. they in town for Halloween and are friends with another friend of mine.

well, that’s okay, whatever. not like i wanted to..yeah whatever fine. i’m good at disappointment.

i keep thinking that every woman is bisexual if she’s had enough to drink and that goes both ways but i’m not probably hot enough to pull things like that off.

or maybe i am.

but i wasn’t.

haha you thought that was going to be the best crackhore update but instead it’s toad meeting 2 really hot lesbians.

now i’m sad

newp.

I give up, just going to have fun and enjoy single/dating life. I figure i have a good 10-15 years left of whoring around before I can’t get any women that i’m attracted to anymore.

Also i should get a motorcycle. Or a boat. Or both. So i can ride my motorcycle to my boat and cruise around on my boat, then get off the boat and get back on the motorcycle and ride home.

It’s all about having goals in life.

So one night, i don’t really recall which night it was…I’m sure i was drinking, after a really quality meal, I’m on my laptop in the living room looking at reddit’s /r/food. Always good stuff there, there is a subreddit i can’t remember it’s name, basically for cheap good eating.

Throughout the posts i’m clicking on links and exploring the rest of the internet for new things to cook. For those of you who don’t keep up with my exciting life, I cook a lot. I’ve learned it’s the best way to save money for booze. It’s also just simple math…i can go out to eat for every meal and eat relatively decent food…or i can cook it for myself and get whatever I want at half the cost. Sure there are dishes and crockpots to clean but fuck it, least I’m eating steak. I also get off on giving my food to others. There is a joy feeding the multitudes from my magical crockpot that can’t be put into words. Here, have sustenance. What do you think…too much hot sauce? Not enough…duly noted.

So one of these sites I try a few recipes from. Good stuff, i like being broken out of my routine of the same old meals. Now it’s probably late in the evening and I’m back on this site when i notice the author has posted a picture of herself. She’s extremely attractive so i say fuck it, i’m emailing her. A really hot woman that knows how to cook affordable meals is pretty much out of my league but she probably lives in san diego or new york so it’s just playful internet play.

I send a simple e-mail saying i’ve enjoyed your recipes, thanks for running a informative site. She replies and says something like “glad you’ve enjoyed it, looks like you live in new orleans too”.

That’s when shit gets real. I try to get into full witty mode, emails are sent back and forth. Finally i overplay my hand and say “i hope your husband is doing the dishes if you are doing the cooking”. No response. Probably married and it was getting too hot. At least that’s what i said in my head. Not because i’m not attractive.

Anyway, a few days later I’m casually browsing okcupid. Suddenly i see a picture/face that i recognize. I start running desperately trying to figure out where i know her from. I’m out and about a lot…running, biking, drinking, web siting…i meet lots of people. Nope, it’s her.

I explain to the situation to my assistant Blaine who i have to tell this entire story to, to properly explain how fucked up this is. So i craft another very witty message and there is some back and forth play of whatever.

Now selling web sites, i’ve acquired a great talent at realizing whether or not people are feeling me. I honestly have a bit of a “everyone hates me” thing going but i can usually tell if someone likes what they see or not.

She isn’t exactly asking me when we are meeting up for drinks discussing our future together.

Normal internet dating etiquette (at least for me) is after your last witty message is ignored, just abort and continue on your mission. Don’t appear pathetic, it’s a small city.

So when Betty(thats what i’m calling her, not her real name) stopped responding i did what i normally do, just sigh and walk away.

Wait, it’s not okay. Fuck that. It’s a big wide huge internet. I know because i’ve built a large portion of it. There is way too much coincidence going on here and i’m not going to just go silently into the night shrugging “welp she didn’t like me, back to /r/gonewild/”.

I send her another message with a much less creepier version of what i said above. Yeah new orleans is a small city, i get that, but the internet, especially web sites about food, is a huge enormous place. I’m having trouble believing this is just some random occurance, at least have a drink with me.

She responded with a “i’m really busy, taking things hour by hour instead of day by day” which i understand. She says when things calm down she’ll message me but there was a bit of “if i remember you”ness in the message.

At least she responded.

The entire point of crackhore is to make me feel better about my lonely miserable existence. I feel better writing about this. It’s going to be super extra special creepy when i’m drinking alone in a bar next week and she walks in and we both go “oh shit”.

Then i break out the tablet and show her this blog post and she pays for her drink and walks out.

Starting in on the 3rd listen of your new album. First off, let me start this post off with a thank you. Tori, you and i have been close. I mean, there are hundreds of people who instantly think of me when they hear your name. A lot of people don’t get you and I’s relationship. I’m not gonna lie, i get some hate. You are not my friend’s favorite artist. Whatever.

It was cornflake girl that got me into you. Just something about that song, even today, just like good. First few seconds of the beginning…ugh yeah you are hearing it too.

I honestly cannot listen to boys for pele anymore. I just totally broke that album. Too many times the neurons fired and i just can’t do it. I caught so many fucking light sneezes and rented so many wife and kids. Thousands, easily. I’ve even sang professional widow too many times karaoke to listen to the song…

We were good friends before attracted to sin but that album…wow. That album isn’t going to go into this post because it deserves it’s own vigil. Not dying today, police me and the best part…starling and fast horse… bam. All you do is complain mmm

To Venus And Back got some serious fucking haters. And you know what, haters only motivate you. That is why we are friends that talk via phone and text message…constantly. I love this album tho…so perfect. We talk all the time so i know you know that you know what it’s like to just love every song on a album. A truely rosemary baby situation…but black dove…mmm

American girl possee…mr bad man, beauty of speed…just all of it…I get sad listening to digital ghost. If you wrote this about me i think you should have mentioned me somewhere, it’s cool. We have to keep this on the dl.

this is your crackhore bonus, this your extra

little earthquakes was a good album. happy phantom might actually be the greatest song ever created. shit i’m listening to that now. yup, so good. hate those nuns out in the yard too

Leather too…ugh…and crucify…all so awesome

and choirgirl…you’re in queue next…this is the tori love..say you don’t want it…say, you don’t wait, again, and again…but you don’t really mean it

argh so good.

Anyway, i know you’re busy so i’ll stop with this but i just wanted to say thanks for another album, we appreciate it.

Some posts are going to have some weird typos because im using the galaxy and swype behard….6 pm on a friday….the weekend begins….what treasure trove of drinking awaits my poor body….

The reluctant trip to rite aside to buy some big awesome bottle of something…more to come…on first beer.

If shit really just completely falls apart…i can live in my fucking van. Yeah that sucks but think about all the web designers who don’t have vans. I’m technically just middle class, compared to the web developers that have places to live. Not doing great, not doing bad.

I’ll roam from town to town, setting up for a week or two at a time. I’ll tip the manager and the employees for letting me use their motel for my johns and i’ll put a little sign on my table that says “i build web sites and fix computers”.

I’ll run exes and lean crap off of machines all day long, every now and then i’ll get a small web site for my people to build and just live a nice peaceful life in my van.

The problem has been i’ve set my expectations too high. Happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me! yay thank you good night.