awesome life is awesome

hehe Barry called me yesterday and said he’s coming in town, will be in that night, wanted to meet up for drinks. My afternoons usually consist of drinking so i was already pretty loaded by 7pm when he calls and says they are eating at felix’s, one of my customer’s i was actually at 8 hours later picking up money.

so i’m pretty drunk already and i walk to the bus stop because i figured in a awesome tactical maneuver, that i could pick up some popeyes and eat it at the bus stop so i would show up downtown both drunk and not hungry.

i purchase my chicken without issue and go sit down on the curb and eat my chicken. i’m sitting there just eating chicken, no headphones on cuz you don’t want anyone to be able to sneak up with you on magazine st at 8pm, especially while eating fried chicken. It hit me how awesome it is to be alive and single again. I make a mental note to add something to my okcupid profile about eating popeyes fried chicken on magazine st waiting for a bus.

i get on the bus and i’m feeling completely awesome now. There is a big black dude sitting in the seat across from me and it’s really hazy how it started but we had this huge epic conversation about women and how to treat them. He extended his hand in a fist and i bumped it properly.

I get off the bus and head to felixs where barry and his mystery date are eating. I purchase a beer at the unique grocery and walk in. I sit with them for a minute with the beer in it’s brown paper bag between my boots because i’m not going to open that in there. I might be their web designer but i’m not royalty. So i go outside and open it.

So there is this girl outside with menus trying to hustle people into the restaurant…i already had been kinda messing with her by picking up a knife off the table and asking her to do that thing where you stab the knife in between the fingers really fast. She wouldn’t do it.

I start asking her roughly what she makes there…i realize i can pay her more. I’ve been on the hunt for a really sassy little assistant and this has potential.

I’d also like to have sex with her.

I give her a card and tell her to call me.

I took Barry and his woman to flannigans…it’s totally empty…i drank X amount of PBR and we part ways. I somehow managed to on a streetcar with a unopened 24oz pbr…i show her that it’s not open, don’t worry, just for when i get home. I sit down towards the back and as soon as the streetcar starts moving i do my patented “pretend to sneeze while opening beer can” move that is patent pending. I woke up wearing the jeans and shirt i was wearing the night before and Silas the maids handler calls. He says “the girls” can come by in 30 minutes. I tell him to add to cart. Now i’m sitting here in my work clothes, blaring tori amos and finishing the PBR that was on the coffee table.

This is your awesome life and it’s ending one pbr at a time.

Internet Dating & OkCupid White Paper

As a professional blogger such as myself, imma use the first paragraph to explain my advanced knowledge in the field through examples of real life experience. I’ve been internet dating since…i was 16 and i was able to drive to visit girls online. For me it was just easier for a billion different reasons.

Anyway, the all guy highschool spawned my first drive to meet a girl off the internet, then i was buying plane tickets. Moving new places and sleeping with internet friends. Most of it was because of crackhore. Back when i was young and witty women loved me and my bullshit.

Moving forward, when i first moved to nola i knew absolutely no single females, much less anyone besides the 3-4 people i knew already. So i started up on hotornot…seriously, they had a msging system so people would date through it. I’m honestly kinda torn on the hotornot relationships i had. Some of them rank up there in some of the most evil acts i’ve done towards the softer sex. Things i’m not really proud of yet, i am. Working around the 90% christian environment at the navy actually made me a even worse person. If you are good, then i am bad, and im going to be bad, fine see you tomorrow. What’s messed up is i have had more then one healthy relationships with women off of hotornot, more then okcupid by far. In each situation we were both real adults, despite one of their ages, we knew were just “dating” and didn’t really take it too seriously. Just enjoying life in the company of others.

Gotta hold on looselyyyyyy but don’t lemme gooooo….iffff you cling too tightlyyy…

Never had a ounce of luck with plentyoffish.com, i blame it because it was a wreck compared to okcupid…i just didn’t really see any attractive females there. No offense if you’re there…just didn’t have much luck.

I’ve been pondering, I really wish i knew pics i used in my old okcupid profile(ive tried wayback machine) but can’t remember. I must have had a really good stuff because i met some pretty hot girls…i mean they were uhh liberal. You know, with sex. But still fun short term train wrecks. The ones that make life worth living for.

The thing with okcupid profiles is they evolve more and more insane from lack of sex. Just as the…male pea cock(?) breaks out the huge crazy feathers to attract the mate. That’s what okcupid is about…i’m starting to think maybe i need to start taking a look at some other guy’s profiles to see what they’re using that might work with my profile. Seriously tho, just research. Like viewing source on a site that has some cool javascript.

The okcupid site itself is a master piece tho…feeds to you…who is looking at you, who is msging you. I met a very wonderful woman from okcupid recently for dinner. A few minutes into talking about the internet, she tells me that i’m the first person she has ever met off the internet. Not off okcupid, just the internet. It seems so foreign to me…so inefficient.

I’m not really holding it against her because imma look like zer0c00l if she comes to my apartment.

The next step in this is when we really start using video to date. Then it’s why even talk to someone in real life. If you’re physically attractive i’ll find you later when i get home by your keywords and maybe i’ll like your profile, something that stand sout. See this is brain storming, I need to have bulleted ordered list of links to youtube of me singing.

I’m know i’m like the drunken idiot in the bar telling everyone to drink but instead of a sexual deviant, i am a pioneer into a new age. This is evolution, you go back to your fucking horse covered wagons and your arranged marriages, churning butter without pandora. I’m doing searches for women with the word NIN in their profile, sending them a weird enough open ended question, watch them visit my profile…and then not respond.

And this, Toad Jr, is how i met your mother.

I’M FUCKING BACK AND YOU CAN’T STOP IT

That’s right…”Patrick M” at my host helped me figure out why was going wrong with the site. Now i’m upgraded and i’m going to start writing fucking stupid tons of paragraphs on this site that no one reads because i stopped updating it…fuck you, everyone sit down, i’m only on slide 2 of this presentation.

Patrick i wanna give you props for helping me fix this because obviously no one would even help me troubleshoot this and now i’m rolling fresh. You are saving me thousands of dollars in bar tabs now that i can just update this huge database of nonsense and hate.

Sek recently reminded me that i’m pretty much a failure at the internet and that all i do is facebook and don’t work on this work of art. I hate being put in my place because normally i’m in my place chyllin and it’s cool. Everyone knows where i am and what i do. Except when i sell out and start posting on facebook instead of crackhore.

I’ll tell you honestly what it was. People go to facebook and people stopped going here when i stopped updating. Now i’m not going to point fingers but i think it might have been my fault. I’m starting up again. You are going to be so sick of content that you’ll be like “naw i don’t read crackhore everyday, i like to save it up and read it every day or two while im eating steak and getting my dick sucked”.

I want to seriously just take the gloves off tho. I want to know who is reading this. So you know what? This is it. You are all of my content couch as of now. Everything is going to required you to be logged in. I’ve gone too far into life to let me fuck it up. Unless you have a approved login then it’s gone. I know that the wayback machine will bust me out but it’s not about the old stuff. It’s the new hate fueled rage that i don’t want everyone seeing.

God i want to make love to this wordpress install. It’s all back and now i can just write here instead of annoying people on facebook.

To catch you up on where my nightmare currently exists…jennifer are taking time apart…either this is what i need to do to be okay with being with her or i’m a insensitive asshole who just wants to date other girls. It’s up for you to decide and for me to ignore.

This is what was missing from my life and what’s missing from yours.

I’m going to start a facebook profile for crackhore.com so that everything is posted here is mirrored on your social media god. So that way if you want to listen to the rantings of a functioning alcoholic mad man who happens to know everything about the internet, just like and you’re in. And you have to be approved.

Okay i’m done, wipe yourself off and get out.