Wow what a fucking day. I wake up to my landlord ringing my door bell. She asks if valerie or i smoke pot. She says one of the other tennants in the building smelled something like pot. Great. Now if anyone smells anything weird, she goes straight to the young, pierced couple.

There are a few ways to deal with something like this. a) be nice b) don’t.

I am so tired of life. Why do i even bother trying anymore. Guess i’ll call the movers in 6 months.
Continue reading I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE!

i love my girlfriend

Valerie and i went to walmart and target today to pick up some food and such for the new apartment. Whenever i get out in public with Valerie, i tend to go to extreme lengths to try to embarass her. I have no idea why i’m so entertained by her embarassment but i have this insatiable urge to draw attention to myself and her.

It started with a small pillow i picked up a display. I waited till she walked a little ahead of me and threw it at her. A minute later a target employee walks by and picks it up, puts it back in the bin with the others. I start laughing uncontrollably. She asks if that made my day. I tell her yes.

It gets worse when we get to walmart. I start ramming the shopping cart into shelves, trying desperately to break things on display. This leads to me ramming the cart into a stack of tupperware bins which fall. Everyone turns and stares.

We get to the frozen food section and i start screaming VALLLLERRRRRNNNNNIEEEE at the top of my lungs in “the retard voice”. More stares.

Valerie wants to buy me one of those foam mattress pads to make the bed more comfortable. The only queen sized pads are all the way at the top of this bin. I climb up the bin and after a few minutes of reaching down, i finally grab it. I climb down and we go to the next aisle, where there is a huge stack of queen mattress pads at eye level. *sigh*

We finally get in line and there are a assload of people in front of us. I sit down on the floor in the middle of the line and start text msging people out of boredom. I then start hugging her and kissing her. Valerie gets a little weirded out when i undo her belt. She slaps me and rebuckles it. She says “I feel like your raping me when you kiss me in walmart”. I respond “Thats why i do it” and procede to ask her “where her parents were, little girl”. A old asian lady in front of us moves her cart up and tries to ignore us. Now that i know i have a audience that doesn’t like me, i kick it up even more by asking Valerie which one of the 16 year olds in the line ahead of us looks the hottest.

I need to get valerie something nice for valentines day.
Continue reading i love my girlfriend

9th move: completed

mmmmmmm nothing like that feeling of plugging in the last computer and having your new apartment completely setup. Movers came at the crack of dawn this morning and 12 hours later all of my crap is resetup backup. I left my old apartment a complete mess. Food all over the place, trash everywhere, was great. Fucking bitch gets what she deserves. I’m going to call her tomorrow to tell her i’ve vacated her apartment, but i’m trying to think of a intresting excuse. I might tell her I lost my job and joined the army, leaving for boot camp in a week?
Continue reading 9th move: completed

Bareback Mountain: i hate gay people, macs and marketing behind it

i’m going to sneak into a showing of brokeback mountain, run in front of the screen, shoot myself in the head after reading this update to the audience.

look i don’t hate gay people, i really don’t. I don’t hate jews or blacks either. I just can’t stand marketing. I can picture a room full of fat white business suits, all smoking cigars and drinking gin, like “okay we’re not rich enough after the passion of jesus christ, we need a new cash cow”. They spin 2 wheels, the little pointer lands on “gays”. They all laugh to themselves and say “shit, they are trying to get married, there are lots of gays in america, they have more money then kids and Christians.”. They spin the wheel next to it and it lands on “cowboys”. By now they just look down at their marketing graphs and shrug. Finally, the biggest fattest white guy there stands up, knocks crumbs off his suit and says “Gays love cowboys, lets go to the strip club.”

i know when i finally download this terrible movie, only for the there is going to be a scene with them making out in front of their ibook.
Continue reading Bareback Mountain: i hate gay people, macs and marketing behind it

i could just not write about it but it still happened

My dad gave me his ipod last week. Allen said he’d block me if i turned it on. My original plan was to give it to valerie for her birthday. She told me she doesn’t want it. Not sure if she just wants me to get her a different present, or if she just doesn’t want something my dad gave me. Even tho i really want her to have it. Because i really don’t want it.

I let it sit on my desk for a week, trying to decide what to do with it. Finally I put it on and listened to some of my dad’s music while walking the dog. I’m so angry at myself
Continue reading i could just not write about it but it still happened


My life of lies has paid off and the new landlord wants us to sign a lease friday. I will soon be free of this terrible mistake. My CRX is at the shop, should be done this week. Finally the fuckups of 2005 will be washed away in the joy of 2006.

This is like the 10th move i’ve made in my lifetime. It’s starting to get old. I gotta call timewarner, gotta call movers, gotta call MLGW, gotta start packing, gotta redirect mail, gotta change addresses in bank, credit cards and every one of the hundreds of services i depend on.

Fuck i hate moving.

Just a lot of phone calls, a lot of cramming shit into boxes, nothing i haven’t done a million times before….just gotta keep saying it over and over.

It snowed today in Memphis. Christy and i walked to the store in the cold angry weather. At least now i have beer and the dog got to go for a walk.
Continue reading moving

i hope i live to see feburary

i got the chassis and engine of my next car. 1989 Honda CRX, the car i’ve always wanted, and now it’s mine. i rule

my apartment situation has really crossed a new line. They have this dog, that barks, every fucking morning. I lay in bed, eyes wide open, like wondering if any of the lawyers who’s site i host, could get me off for killing it. I’m going to snap soon. I need to sleep.

We found a very appealing apartment in the cooper young area, hopefully the falsified references will pan out and we’ll get the place. It really hits me that my life is just one huge lie when i fill out a rental form. My employer? Oh um, here, call this number, and this lady will lie to you and tell you i make $50k a year. Okay, you need my current landlord? Call this number and someone will say i was a excellent tennant.

My empire of dirt.
Continue reading i hope i live to see feburary

is anyone out there

i have developed a serious complex about living…anywhere. I seem to move from one terrible living situation to another. This is up there. I’m going to live off hotdogs and ramen for the rest of january. I’m going to apply for a new lease at a new apartment friday but i doubt this will go off without a hitch.

fuck this apartment, fuck leases, fuck deposits. it’s time for justice.
Continue reading is anyone out there

my fantasy

Someday, when i get rich, i want to visit one of Pfizer’s factories. I wonder if they give tours. Just imagine it, a conveyor belt with unisom, pouring into a huge swimming pool of um. I would pick one fresh off the line, i bet it tastes different.

I think i should take a few more and look for a Pfizer 1800 number and give them a call right before i pass out.
Continue reading my fantasy