Internet Dating & OkCupid White Paper

As a professional blogger such as myself, imma use the first paragraph to explain my advanced knowledge in the field through examples of real life experience. I’ve been internet dating since…i was 16 and i was able to drive to visit girls online. For me it was just easier for a billion different reasons.

Anyway, the all guy highschool spawned my first drive to meet a girl off the internet, then i was buying plane tickets. Moving new places and sleeping with internet friends. Most of it was because of crackhore. Back when i was young and witty women loved me and my bullshit.

Moving forward, when i first moved to nola i knew absolutely no single females, much less anyone besides the 3-4 people i knew already. So i started up on hotornot…seriously, they had a msging system so people would date through it. I’m honestly kinda torn on the hotornot relationships i had. Some of them rank up there in some of the most evil acts i’ve done towards the softer sex. Things i’m not really proud of yet, i am. Working around the 90% christian environment at the navy actually made me a even worse person. If you are good, then i am bad, and im going to be bad, fine see you tomorrow. What’s messed up is i have had more then one healthy relationships with women off of hotornot, more then okcupid by far. In each situation we were both real adults, despite one of their ages, we knew were just “dating” and didn’t really take it too seriously. Just enjoying life in the company of others.

Gotta hold on looselyyyyyy but don’t lemme gooooo….iffff you cling too tightlyyy…

Never had a ounce of luck with, i blame it because it was a wreck compared to okcupid…i just didn’t really see any attractive females there. No offense if you’re there…just didn’t have much luck.

I’ve been pondering, I really wish i knew pics i used in my old okcupid profile(ive tried wayback machine) but can’t remember. I must have had a really good stuff because i met some pretty hot girls…i mean they were uhh liberal. You know, with sex. But still fun short term train wrecks. The ones that make life worth living for.

The thing with okcupid profiles is they evolve more and more insane from lack of sex. Just as the…male pea cock(?) breaks out the huge crazy feathers to attract the mate. That’s what okcupid is about…i’m starting to think maybe i need to start taking a look at some other guy’s profiles to see what they’re using that might work with my profile. Seriously tho, just research. Like viewing source on a site that has some cool javascript.

The okcupid site itself is a master piece tho…feeds to you…who is looking at you, who is msging you. I met a very wonderful woman from okcupid recently for dinner. A few minutes into talking about the internet, she tells me that i’m the first person she has ever met off the internet. Not off okcupid, just the internet. It seems so foreign to me…so inefficient.

I’m not really holding it against her because imma look like zer0c00l if she comes to my apartment.

The next step in this is when we really start using video to date. Then it’s why even talk to someone in real life. If you’re physically attractive i’ll find you later when i get home by your keywords and maybe i’ll like your profile, something that stand sout. See this is brain storming, I need to have bulleted ordered list of links to youtube of me singing.

I’m know i’m like the drunken idiot in the bar telling everyone to drink but instead of a sexual deviant, i am a pioneer into a new age. This is evolution, you go back to your fucking horse covered wagons and your arranged marriages, churning butter without pandora. I’m doing searches for women with the word NIN in their profile, sending them a weird enough open ended question, watch them visit my profile…and then not respond.

And this, Toad Jr, is how i met your mother.

oh you mean mah bike

cnn article

Pop’s tripping, man.

He want me to ask for my bike back.

You know I wouldn’t trip.

What bike?

Time trial bike, one of a kind… the one I let you use, the one I been asking you about.

Oh, that bike.

I didn’t know you wanted it back, homie.

It’s right here. Follow me, homes.

Yeah, it’s just like it’s both of ours. We just keep it down at my house.

That’s my bike, punk!

open wrists talk back again

last night i celebrated the death and resurrection of christ by drinking more beer….people are giving me more details about saturday.

apparently you’re not allowed to touch the strippers. no one ever told me that….except jesus….blah anyway…don’t touch them. thank you levi for taking care of me…and paying off that bouncer… not going to platinum anymore…valerie can have that bar too….

i really just want to chain myself to my desk to keep me from going out and performing my acts against christ. think im going to shower instead.

so i bought a wooden sword on saturday…..not sure why and what service it functions but i needed a sword.

stalk stalk stalk

platinum minus

Well our platinum plus journey is over. I’m probably jinxying everyone by saying this cuz i’m not sure if merritt, levi and rachel or sek got home okay but everything was okay when i left. fucking platinum.

They had a pussy eating contest at one point which i navigated the crowd to get a closer look. Ppeople were balling up dollar bills and throwing them at them while they “made love” to each other’s holes. I threw a balled up $1 bill with perfect arc and range and it nails this girl in the face while she’s face deep in her co-worker. They are professionals tho, she stopped for half a second and continued to chow down. It was just cool because it had a little bit of interactivity with nailing her in the face with a george washington. I’m so easily entertained.

God that place is vile, like you sit down in the chair and you wonder how many stds are just growing and fermenting in the seat. Everyone had a pretty good time, i really regret going to the bathroom tho. All kinds of flashbacks hit me as soon as saw the pee soaked floor and the stalls where people are peeing and snorting drugs(some of them at the same time).

I only had 1-2 girls approach me for a lapdance since i was sitting next to merritt and the wolves just assumed i was with her. It was a busy saturday night, they couldn’t take time with a mark who had a girl with him, i understand. The 2 girls that did approach me quickly were dispersed when i asked them what i could get for $5. That’s not much apparently. I should have been like “shit girl, that’s a wendy’s value menu right there, come on, break a nigga off a handjob”.

Other highlights where toad’s moral crusade to pay a waitress. This cocktail waitress brought me a budweiser and didn’t ask me for any money. So now suddenly i have this imaginary tab running with a cocktail waitress who looks like every other fucking waitress there. I finally track this girl down and give her the $5 for a beer. Probably wasn’t even the same waitress. I’ll sleep better tonight. Those poor girls. I really wonder what it’s like to be a stripper and wake up in strange beds, nose bleeding from the cheap coke he gave you to get you in bed, ass sore and face 1 day more wrinkled. They deserve every dime they get.

Rachel said she went into the bathroom and said she felt a little offended that no one offered her cocaine. I mean it is platinum plus, it might have been a slow night, but come on. Merritt told her that the wedding ring was probably was a red flag for the potential drug dealers. Makes sense.

Other highlights include Sek showing us his mom’s business card. I’m not going to type out the name of sek’s mom’s “organization” but lets just say it’s for people who don’t go to this “type” of strip club. Yeah, poor sek 🙁 must be tough.

On a happy note, my plan of bringing my license and exactly $30 to platinum was a successfull plan. I did not inhale any kind of drug and i didn’t not have any intimate relations with any strippers. I win at platinum.

On a sadder note, i havn’t really eaten in about 2 days now. My chest has really been hurting when i don’t drink and even a little bit when i do. I’m so afraid im going to die in my sleep and not get to see what “happens”. I think tomorrow im going to wake up and take a few asprin to thin my blood out enough to stem off any alcohol withdrawl heart attacks that i’m probably going to have. I need to stop, sooner then later.

I’d really like to go into a long rant about how badly i miss valerie and how she’s probably having a gangbang that’s going to be on easynews shortly. But i’m not. Everyone, even tho they won’t tell me, is sick of me pining over her. When she gets back from san diego and i get back from new orleans we’ll either fall back in love or she’ll perform oral sex on a “producer” while a camera man nails her from behind. Not that she’d ever do that tho. Like Merritt said, whatever valerie is doing right now is her own business, not mine. She probably hasn’t gone on any dates, neither have I, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll never know the truth, even if she tells it to me, and it’s none of my business.

i am so fucking terrified

so i wanted to drop a line before tonight because this might be the “last update” if you know what i mean.

since levi is going back to iraqi soon and rachel has never been, we’re going to platinum tonight.

here is the line up. merritt, rachel, sek and levi. this can’t go well, it just can’t.

i keep getting these little flashes in my head of tonight and im just so scared. i keep saying to myself, i’m not going to bring enough cash to get a lapdance. atm and credit card are staying at apartment. i am not doing drugs there, near there, or from there. im just going to look, not going to touch.

it’s funny as soon as i knew we were going i put on the the triple six mafia. to really get what im talking about when i say platinum, you can just use the search form. after doing a search for platinum on my site, i realized that my favorite strip club story isn’t up there.

one time when i was there with ian we sat in his car and watched 2 people like maybe 20 yards away from us, and do cocaine. then the blowjob. then they realize we’re both laughing our asses off. they move to the fried chicken parking lot and the blowjob continues. so fucking awesome. nothing describes that place better. triple six mafia needs to write a song about doing cocaine and getting a blowjob.

Motavation in a thong.

i told him ian told me to invite him

good thing i didn’t

*looks at empty baggy*

god like….everyone use your imagation for this. Toad dressed in a $20 suit, which i told many people, is the same cost of a bag og schwag. Thus naming it, my schwag suit.

Ken is dresed in, okay let me describe this. This isn’t just funny for me cuz everyone ian or i bring it up we start laughing. We pull up to Ken’s house and he’s standing on the hill of his front yard, in complete darkness, outstretching a arm pointing to his driveway. I’ve tried in several sentences, then deleting, what Ken looked like at this moment. Now Ken is about 6’7″, with a goatee of 3 prongs. Dressed in all black, weird little black top hat. Looks like Kid Rock but really pissed off. My untrained mind is not enough to describe Ken.

Anyway…..we go to the strip club, nothing really happens, the end? Haklsdfhalkhalkhalskhahalksdjflasj haha. Poor brandon sits alone for 10 minutes until he sees us..he said he really felt dirty sitting alone in platinum…i agreed and offered him any of 3 different bottles…

I almost need another website to talk about Platinum Plus experiences that i’ve had. I’ve learned from Platinum that i am a white heterosexual male and that i need to get a job that pays a lot. I can’t describe what a refreshing feeling platinum is.

Motavation in a thong.

A lot of people will tell you that strippers are ugly. I’m here to tell you a lot of them are. The whole “problem” with strip clubs is the alcohol. If you couldn’t drink there, then we wouldn’t be the ONLY people in the entire club with 3 bottles of alcohol we BROUGHT in. Last night was a Monday too. People made eye contact with us and just knew we weren’t fucking around.

I really need to get a picture of Ken for this.

This morning started really pretty bad. It’s not a good morning when you wake up and you have 13 new voicemails. In fact, when it’s 2pm, it’s not morning anymore.

You were asleep during morning toad.

I stumble to the shower making apoligies, that i’ll be there in a minute. I suddenly remember last night in one big second and Ian told me i was singing Ludacris – Get Out The Way while i was taking a shower.

After a muscle relaxer, a beer that i stole from a client’s fridge, and several hours of troubleshooting, i am going to bed.