YOU NEED TO STOP LIKING UNDERAGE GIRLS

Okay, so my friend Brad says he’s taking me out to dinner for a favor. Steve and this girl, ugh, can’t remember her name, anyway, we’ll call her Christy. Christy demands we go to IHOP, ignoring the thousands of other resturants in Memphis.

We get in her station wagon and drive to IHOP. Now it’s hard to explain in text what it was like getting these 3 together…..the usual dinner conversation before a meal, during a meal and after a meal. The conversations that get way too loud too often and the cop near by starts to stare at you.

Anyway, we’re making small talk and i mention a conclusion had on the drive there. I was thinking as i lusted over the cute girls at the headshop who obviously were like 17-18 years old. I think that even when im 45 im still gonna look at girls with that “i want to cut you” feeling. So i figure, i better get a wife soon so at least i have a mental “reason” to not be that guy in the white van.

I explain this new conclusion at dinner, my one and only reasoning behind not getting married, the guilt of cheating on my wife. I dunno, makes sense right? Anyway, Christy looks up from her waffle and says “WELL YOU JUST NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT YOUNG GIRLS”.

Stare 1 from the cop.

I smile like “haha yah thats a good one, i ‘love’ young girls, lol good one”. The cop goes back to his coffee. I stare at my food, eat and eat, avoiding the stares from the law enforcement officer a few days ago.

We get to the counter where we pay our tab. The man behind the counter, probably mid 40ish, full white goattee. Brad asks if we can split the tab. The man responds while smiling, “of course, unlesss your from Maryland.” I stare at Brad, then back to Steve, then back to him. The mental train stops for a second and tries to factor in Maryland.

The rest of the party does this at the same time.

Christy asks how he knew that she was from Maryland. Paranoia and confusion really kicks in. He smiles again and says he overheard our converation. I still can’t remember her mentioning Maryland. Anyway….it goes into a “i went to school here, at this time” type of conversation that goes on for about a minute. A very very long stoned minute.

We’re in a fucking International House Of Pancakes.

This shouldn’t take this long. “Great the manager is flirting with the customers again”.