Month: July 2024

i think about her when i wake up and when i fall asleep to try to dream about her. I have to write about it, knowing no one reads this until I fucking open my wrists but I can’t pull the literal trigger. I can’t tell if she likes me or not but like that never stopped me before.

Love me two times girl, i’m going away.

I have fallen in love with hundreds of women but I think I’m going to go back and try to see if I can seduce her. I’ll let her read this after, it might be cute.

God, her sense of humor and looks. I know she’s too good for me but like maybe I can get her attention. I need to just do it and get the rejection out of the way but i can’t think or predict failure, maybe she’s tossing and turning in bed thinking about me. She’s not but like just humor me.

Not yet, I went for a run yesterday, gotta hit the mat and do the pushups tomorrow but jesus I haven’t desired someone so bad in forever. She was complaining at work being slow and I’m like I can have you onboarded with a email address and a phone number this afternoon and you can be doing this by the pool while smoking weed and drinking vodka by Friday.

It’s cliche to try to build a family style business with people but there is a impulse to pull someone from just pouring drinks for assholes on a Metarie bar to pouring drinks for me by the pool we are laughing and dancing at.

Ugh, I’m going to ask her out. I have it all planned out too, I’m going to buy a ticket to a fundraiser and invite her saying I have a extra ticket if you want to go and a car already arranged. 50/50 chance not optimistic but like scarlet begonias, gotta give a try.

So fucked up, I hate falling for people but you can’t turn it off, just keep trying just because. Just give it one or two more weeks of pushups and try, all she can say is no and move on but it just takes one date to make her think I’m not a horrible investment in time. Or maybe not, the gun is under the pillow and I can stop this nightmare at any time but…I have too many things to do. Suicide isn’t the answer until it is…  

I think like almost 30 seconds after my last post I went and picked up M and we spent 2 days drinking vodka. I’ve dated…a lot, in my life and never have I tried to make it work so poorly with someone as this M.

God, I wish I could go back to my early 30’s and tell myself like quick pick one of these, work on yourself because covid is coming and your 40’s are almost there.

It’s so dumb tho, like of course you are old with a gray beard so yeah, you miss them. 

The 4th of july is over. It’s time to shave this terrible beard. Almost out of whiskey and beer. Rotary is calling, beard needs to leave, need to be active. I set the alarm for 7:30am tomorrow. I wish I had made coffee.

One more holiday and it’s the christmas rush, no time to be lonely, there is work to be done. Work tho, like…jesus, what am I even doing anymore.

I’ve been in almost a “call in your debts” kind of mode to almost try to shut down and do something else but like what even is something else now.

The…thing, the “thing” is i keep waiting for something to happen and I’m just waiting and it’s not happening, not because of any reason just…whatever.

I hate the whole “you make your own luck” when it comes to being happy. That fucking shit never works out. Ask the girl out, get thrown away. Naw, I’m going to, you start to enjoy the look of pity and disgust knowing you were going to be right that you weren’t right for them, self whatever, you were right.

Alarm set for 7:30a, shave the beard monday and get ready for the future for a few more weeks for another holiday. Boy do I wish I had made different choices.

Time to sweat it out for a week and feel the regrets. I’m going to do it tho and go to *** on *** and ask out the other M but like should you even do that. Just lay on the goddamn mat and work out. Even tho like what’s the fucking point of that. Get abs for crematorium, good fucking work.

M is now texting me telling me “i hope you feel better” like if you could just…whatever.

Wake up, shave after the pushups. You have nothing but sorrow around you because of the choices you made. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, don’t get back to M, don’t even try to flirt with the other M. How do you handle this, just medicate for a few weeks trying to get over it.

Suddenly the hatred starts to rush in. It’s silly but I start to feel like a battery. Cliche, get over it asshole.

Going to drink the rest of the whiskey, wake up tomorrow, fuck it.

Let’s take a big step back from this. I fucking hate this. I had some really high “ups” a few weeks ago. Working out several times a day, eating pure, feeling good.

There is soImething to be said for embracing loneliness, just roll with it. I think that lasts around 2 weeks before it shatters but damn was that a good run. I was having a glass of wine at 5pm, a modest dinner and 3 beers with Netflix or whatever. It took about a week to sleep but fucking summer time got to me.

There is nothing to ground me. No girlfriend, family despises me even tho they won’t say it. It’s Friday? Best part is Mel is texting me asking me to hang out and like..that’s a whole other post. I want the best for her and I know that is coming from me.

It’s…I just hate this July 4th, something that should feel happy but our country is about to seriously just end, I’m not sure how we just bounce back from this.

I just need to wake up tomorrow and drink the emergenc and just try. God, the rain sounds so beautiful right now. I’m listening NIN – Still and like goddamn what a great album.