Category: TOAD NEWS FEED

SCOUTmasterTOAD: i made them listen to the headbustaz on the way to the airport to give them one last taste of Memphis before they got on the plane
SCOUTmasterTOAD: after i die in a few weeks my parents are going to sell my site to alcoholic’s anonymous and they’ll package it in some book

all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy
all work and no play makes toad a dull boy

hmm i think last night was the first time i drove to pick a girl up for the exclusive reason to go out drinking…goddamn computers…why do i feel awkward about calling girls on the phone…never talking to them on aim…then meeting them again….goddamn computers….thank god for alcohol….

man i need to write a fucking book on how to not date girls. I met this girl 2 times randomly at different bars and finally got her number. I call her last night and tell her me and a few friends. I hate calling girls, used to the comfortable interface of aim, but she actually remembers who i am and accepts my invitation to go out.

I drive Ian to work and he asks me where i’m taking her. I giggle and he drops it. He asks again, where i’m taking her, i giggle out of control again. He goes “well, i guess i’ll read about it on the site”.

On the way to pick her up, my dad calls and asks what i’m doing. I say im on my way to pick up a girl for karoake. He warns against the scenario and i laugh and say it’ll be okay.

It must suck knowing you’ll never be a grandfather.

Since it’s a Wednesday, i take her on my normal Wednesday warpath. I drive out to pick her up in Germantown, stopping to pound a 32oz of Natural Light, and then find her apartment. I get there early, chewing gum to kill that terrible smell of shit beer and we drive back to midtown.

Cut to Neils, the mother of all fucked up bars. I help Scarlett to the table since she’s on crutches after falling down a elevator shaft. She’s really sick of telling the story. I would be too.

I grab the karoake book, sing Lucky Star and sit back down. It was a great performance, Madonna would be proud. A bunch of Crown and Cokes later, i’m back on stage screaming Sister Christian. It was great, i love that song.

We go to Alex’s for more beer and food, Scarlett rides with Angie, i’m pretty sure they talk about me, we drink more and i drive her home.

Lessons learned? Karoake is not a good dating technique but beer is?

miami update in the bitter ranting section…think i left out a few minor funny things but that happens when you spend 6 days drinking….

It takes him a bit to convince me he's not kidding and i say screw it, i need a vacation and i don't need friends to have a good time. Just alcohol. I've done this before, getting on a plane and going to a random city, not knowing a single soul there, with just my skates, flask and the desire for adventure.

Most of my friends don't think they'll ever see me again.

My flight leaves the morning after st patricks day so needless to say, i'm feeling this weird mixture of hungover, drunk and high. I get on the plane, fly to St Louis where i get my connecting flight to Miami. When i get on the next plane, i look down at my boarding pass. I got the B seat, the one in the middle and stumble to the back of the plane. I sit down in between a attractive middle aged blonde and a normal business looking guy.

Now i have the bad habit of looking over people's shoulders to see what book they are reading. I look at what the blonde is reading and at the top of the left page. It says in all capital letters ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. I realize that intstant this is going to be a intresting flight.

She instantly smells the beer on my breath from the beer i had while waiting for the flight in st louis. She asks if i've been drinking, i smile and nod. We start talking about drinking, she introduces herself as Paige, we talk more, start telling the abridged versions of our life stories and end up having a really hilarious conversation. Before we depart the plane, she gives me a copy of alcoholics anonymous with her cellphone # inside the front cover “in case i get in trouble while in miami”.

Now due to the nature of this trip and the nature of my drinking, i'm only going to convey the funny things that happen and not mention the waking up in the hotel room at 4am and pounding a beer to stop the shaking.

I stayed at a motel 6 for most of the trip, which had a pool and really good rates. I was the minority at this motel, most of the people there of mexican or hatian descent so i feel a bit awkward. One night we were all swimming in the pool and after 3 cans of natural ice i was doing half backflips off the side of the pool at the cheers of all my mexican breathen.

One day i check out of my hotel room and with all my luggage and decide to roam around for a while. I get to the Tri-Rail, a little train which connects all of the towns around ft lauderdale and miami together. The train doesn't leave for hours so i pull out my beer and cigar and start working on my buzz. I end up talking to this huge lady and she asks if i'm going to the Christian Rally. I tell her no, that i don't really have any plans tho and she invites me along with her children and friends. I figure going to a christian concert with a bottle of wine and a bottle of whiskey sounds like a decent opportunity to find a free place to sleep.

I get on the train with my new found friends and about halfway there the conductor tells us that we have to pull over for about 30 minutes. I reach into the backpack, pop the bottle of wine and pass out cups to my new friends.

When toad is around, everyone gets a buzz.

We get there and my friend Max calls and says he's in Miami and that i need to come down. I decide hanging out with Max would be more fun then the christian concert, even tho in retrospect i should have gone. I end up giving up on finding max's hotel and sleeping in the miami amtrak station.

My last day there i decided i was just going to chill on the beach and relax. I took the tri-rail to Lake Worth where i was told i could take a bus to the beach. I end up sitting there forever waiting for a bus when this guy sits down next to me with a beach chair and a stereo. He sits down and opens up his book, which to my surprise, was also a Alcoholic Anonymous book. We start talking, both get fed up waiting for the bus and end up sharing a taxi. We pick out a spot on the beach, i open up my bag and pull out my Heineken, pound that then open up my huge bottle of wine. We sat and lusted over the tight little bodies of the college girls waking by, the sun starts to go down and we take the bus back to the tri-rail.

Since it was my last night i said fuck it and decided to sleep at airport. I fall asleep after consuming more of my huge bottle of wine with pink floyd playing on my headphones. I wake up, wondering why the music stopped and realize that someone has unplugged my power supply to my mp3 player. It's like 4am and the airport is empty so im pretty sure no one stole it so i walk over to the TSA agents guarding the x-ray machine. I walk a little to close to them, about 30 feet and they freak out and demand i step back.

I take a step back and ask if they saw anyone take my charger. They bring me my charger to me, i'm really confused(and still drunk) and ask why they took it from me in the first place. They said they put it in the lost in found. I started to ask how it could be considered “lost” if it was fucking connected to someone i had wrapped around my head.

I start to kinda freak out since now there are 4 TSA agents all staring at me as i pull my blanket back over me and my luggage and try to go back to sleep with big brother staring at me.

I wake up around 8am when the airport starts getting busy, drunkingly check my luggage and get in line for security. I remember the last of my wine in my backpack and pull it out and start to chug it. The people in line with me all turn and stare and a kid asks his mom what that man is drinking. I finish the bottle, set it down in the middle of the line and begin my security insepection.

The first girl that asks for my boarding pass, i hand it to her and comment that she is the hottest TSA agnt i'd ever seen. She blushes, then smells the merlot on my breath and tells me to procede.

My flight back is uneventful except for the hour and a half layover in St Louis. I go to the airport bar with 4 dollars clutched in my hand and ask the bartender how drunk i can get for 4 bucks. She gives me a shot of vodka, i accept it and start to look for a place for me to charge my mp3 player again. I find a power outlet near this little children's playground area and end up sitting on this little blue plastic rocking horse.

Close your eyes and picture some drunk, unshaven homeless looking guy, rocking back and forth on a lil' tyke's rocking horse, at times screaming along to the NIN that he's blaring on his headphones.

I get on my connecting flight and finally arrive home. Yay, i made it!

welp, back from florida…my cable modem is still down so im updating from the office….i hate timewarner with a undying passion…..i told a tech today on the phone that if i my cable modem isn’t up by tommorow not to bother fix it because dead people have no use for internet access…..

my florida trip was umm…..well, the update is halfdone for it so check back in a few hours…

i leave for miami tommorow. If you live in miami and would like drink/kill/have dinner with me, please email or msg me 🙂

It’s gonna be a really intresting trip because i had bought the tickets without my friend saying he was going for sure. So now i have some tickets and i feel like i need a vacation anyway so i’m just gonna go anyway.

*checks weather.com to see what clothes to bring*

wow it’s gonna be raining the whole time i’m there. That’s kinda lame. oh well, back to packing

Nate, my good, good buddy, asked if i would drive him a hour and a half to Little Rock to play a show. He says he's headling, i tell him i'm down and i invite a friend of mine alex along with us.

Before you get cock deep in this update, let me give you a little character development. Alex is one of the few people that has met me through my dad. I'm really good at changing perspectives and i can imagine it. You go to work for a company, you meet a guy that runs it then you meet his weird looking son who smells of $10 bourbon.

Anyway, alex shows up, we pick up nate and stop by the hardrock to get some flyers to pass out when we get to little rock. At this point im going nuts. Hands refusing to sit still, mental and physical anger, sadness, anxiety…..the only way to end this is to get to hard rock and have a drink.

I walk in, call upon my dear, dear, dear friend andy to mix me a drink. This makes him laugh cuz toad doesn't do shooters, shots or anything that requires drinking really really fast. The whole concept of it makes me ill and i'm ordering “something strong”.

Andy was gone for what seemed like maybe 2 seconds and emerged with a plastic cup with a weird red liquid.

Alabama Slammer
1oz. sloe gin
1oz. Southern Comfort
1oz. Daily's Triple Sec
1oz. Galliano
6oz. orange juice
2 maraschino cherries
1 slice orange, garnish

This fit in my perfectly empty stomach like a OJ's hand. We roll over the bridge, eat at the most fucking ghetto ass subway, watch toad buy another tall boy to drink on the rest of the way there, then we're there.

The party is almost empty, we play a bunch of pool before nate's set then it all gets blurry after that. Nate spun a tight set of some heavy shit that you don't hear in Trancephis,

Ugh anyway, nate gets done spinning and we leave with his friend Lee.

Now i gotta describe Lee for a pargrah or three. Close your eyes and imagine a big black dudes, completely decked out in camo fatigues, not drunk but definetely not sober. Now we're leaving the club, and at this point, i can't see.

I throw the keys to Lee, who i've never met before, and quite scared of, and say “hey b, u wannna taake the wheel?” He's like “yah i like civics”. He moved the seat back and rolled us to one apartment where i got in trouble for putting my foot on their coffee table.

We eventually passed out, for what was probably about 2-3 hours, at Lee's apartment, watching him play Playstation and cursing. We wake up at 10:30, get back on the interstate and then shit gets weird again.

Nate and Alex are hungry. I think their pussies because they wanna “eat their food” and said i'll just watch and drink some water. We stop at this fucking redneck ass diner and eat. I try to choke down anything that looks good but decide coffee and water is best.

I drop Nate off and Alex off and go home.

____________________________________May 04 2003
What i left out of this update is i lost my fucking $450 Nikon 995. Fucking terrible. I wasn't too upset about it after the fact, like “damn, that's fucked up, shit happens tho”, was really okay about it, honest.

About a month passes, my life goes along, i miss my camera dearly, but just chalk it up to “stupid things i do while drunk” and start looking for a new one. One day after eating lunch with John, i decide to grab a 40 and clean the inside of my car. So i'm there at Highland and Southern, vacumming out my car, throwing shit out when i see this strap under the front passenger seat. I'm like “no way, no way”, pull the strap and there's my camera. All the times i had drove around, thinking about pissed at myself for getting caught slipping, and it was right fucking there.

The whole time i'm cleaning my car some homeless guy is hovering over me asking for change and now he's wondering what i have in my hand and why i'm dancing around my car. I drive home, look at the pics, none of which are of any people, mostly of the floor and i think one of a pool table…shrug..

Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God.

If, in anyone’s mind, that there is a “god”, do you think for one fucking second, that after the burning bush, the ark of the fucking covenant, that god would start talking through a fucking………

No, not letting this turn into a rant. Gooodnight everyone 🙂