toad’s guide to meeting girls from the internet

If you’re ever in a situation where you meet someone from the internet out of the blue, just follow these steps and you’ll be straight.

1) Never say “Wow i would have kept talking to you if i had known you were cute!” This is one sometimes slips out after a few drinks.

2) Do not instantly think that since you talked to you on aim that she wants to fuck you. This is only sometimes.

3) Get their phone number. Once she gives you that aim name she’ll never sign on again.

Just follow these 3 rules and you’ll be sure to make a outstanding, lasting and scarring impression on whoever you meet in real life.

how to pick up chicks part1

In these series of updates, im going to explain to you llama ass bitches that don’t know how to pick up chicks at a bar. Cuz toad don’t play.

Tonight i was strolling into young ave deli, just as i do every night that im fucking drunk and high. As i was walking in i made eye contact with this beautiful girl in a while shirt. I’m like “okay, i make eye contact with a lot of chicks, lets go drink”. I see her again at the bar. Then she asks that fatal question.

“hey you’re toad right?”

I freeze, scan the brain for any kind of mention of this girl’s face. Nothing comes up. I try to desperately cling to it.

“OMG! i havn’t see you in forever”

“Where do you remember me from?”

*silence*

*drinks beer*

“umm you know, that place with umm…that guy we know each other from”

It doesn’t work out. I finally get busted out and she says she knows me from this shitty blog of a site. I apoligize for the complete crap this site has turned into, she agrees, we exchange aim names….

I go and buy more beer, come home, sign on aim, unpause the elton john and fall asleep…

Cancel my subscription to the resurrection, send my credentials to the house of detention.

another exciting night in memphis….the activities waiting the bored and tired are truely numerous and fun.

First, we have alcohol. There are several bars that are having specials tonight. Pint night has it’s $2.50 pints…and the gas station always has it’s cheap 40’s. But since i’ve done the alcohol thing every night for oh, the past 2 years…..it even gets old…

Or i could read a book. New to my bookshelf recently are Dianetics, that weird L Ron Hubbard book. Since i was feeling in weird religion mood after the last knights of the st john book, i also picked up a transated version of the egyptian book of the dead. But i’ve been alone in a office all day..i’d like to actually interact with people over something besides aim…..

Lets see, what else is there possibly to do. Trying desperately to keep from having another 10 hour warcraft binge, then falling asleep at 3am, i shall shower, put clothes on and find something to do.

scoutmastertoad: god running in the park tonight was kinda weird
scoutmastertoad: really dark
scoutmastertoad: me and this homeless dude got into a staring match
FloTekSek: hahahahhaha
scoutmastertoad: need to stop running in th eevening since it gets dark at like 3pm
scoutmastertoad: felt like it was midnight out there
FloTekSek: he is probably on AIM telling someone the same thing
scoutmastertoad: lol
scoutmastertoad: yeah
FloTekSek: “i just knew he was gonna rob me”
scoutmastertoad: yeah haha
scoutmastertoad: i was the one with the knife out
scoutmastertoad: you can i have my iriver when you pull it from dead cold hand
FloTekSek: hahahha
FloTekSek: he was probably thinking the same thing
FloTekSek: “you can have my RIO when you pry it from my dead hand”

hehe

i love when the people i encounter through the phone and aim all day ask where i’m at. Some days, like today I tell them i’m still at the apartment. I tell them that no i’m not going to work today. They sigh and usually give some line about how it must nice to be self employed, etc.

Well it isn’t really that great.

Waking up at noon, sitting around all day and talking on aim doesn’t cost me money. I can eat grocery store bought food and im not burning any gas.

So when i go to the office and i don’t have anything to do, i do what i do when i’m at home. I talk on aim. I also get lured into eating out, which is expensive. We also can’t forget that i’m risking life and limb by driving down Vance to get downtown.

So when there isn’t shit to work on, what us webdesigners call a “draught”, it actually costs me more money to try to work instead of sitting at home not doing shit.

Sitting at home = warcraft + aim = 🙂
Getting up from chair and going to work = gas + eating at a resturant + almost getting shot = $

Tremont Photography Workshop

I left that Friday for Tremont, half a bottle of wine stolen from a reception at the office the night before, a flask of whiskey, 6 sleeping pills, my digital camera and my backpack full of goodies.

The wine was drank before i even got to Jackson, TN. Opening a bottle of wine with your teeth, while flying down the interstate at 95mph and pouring it into a water bottle is the very defination of skillz. The bottle goes out the window to get rid of the evidence and then 2 beers and 3 cd's later, i get there.

I miss the first dinner so i walk into the first lecture on how to take better photographs. They all break for coffee and tea, then it's off to bed at….10pm. I get to the bunks and notice that everyone has sleeping bags, pillows, towels and flipflops to wear in the shower. I had my flask, my laptop and a hoodie. A crackhore.com shirt found in my trunk soon becomes my pillow and the hoodie becomes a makeshift blanket. I end up staying up almost the whole night since i havn't gone to bed sober before 10pm since 7th grade.

I walk out into the cafeteria, hunting for anything i can mix my whiskey with. After finding a few cartons of milk, it appears that decafinated coffee and whiskey will be my drink of choice. I sit outside in the dark, drink my vile drink and chain smoke trying to force myself to pass out.

The lights come up at 5am. I feel worse then i expected. I sit at the breakfast table with my headphones on listening to Dark Side Of The Moon, guzzling coffee waiting for breakfast to be served. I take the headphones off for a second and still hear Pink Floyd. Panic starts to set in before i realize that the cafeteria lady is listening to the same album on her stereo. What the fuck.

We eat, shoot the pictures of the sunrise and come back for lunch and more lectures. We then head out into the woods for more pictures. Fairly uneventful, pictures turned out nice tho.

more chat

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support: May I have your User ID and Password please ?
you: well, they said the username was and i don’t remember the password so i was just gonna click on the “forgot password” thing but it said it doesn’t recognize my username at all
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you: yay thank you!
you: you were a lot better then the last support person
you: or maybe you’re the same one
you: do you remember me?
you: 🙁 k
support: No. I dont know you. Any way. thanks. 🙂
support: Is there anything else I can help you with?
you: hmm well the check engine light has been on in my 96 Honda Civic EX, i replaced the fuel pressure regulator but the assholes at the dealership said it’s the fuel pressure sensor…you know how to install one of those?
you: damn it’s still not letting me login 🙁
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you: oh no wait, there it goes
you: yay thanks for your help

omg hahaha

gawd, so i setup this domain for a lady for a quickie website but the nameservers are fucked up. I get on their little live chat thing to ask them how the hell to change the servers over.

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support: Welcome to chat service, there is a live person responding to your service inquiries. Please wait a moment while we route you to the next available service person, depending on the volume this can take several minutes.
support: Hello. How may I assist you?
you: i’m trying to edit my nameserver settings but the domain doesn’t show up in the Domain Manager
you: not happy 🙁
support: May I have your domain name please ?
you: editedofthesakeoftheclient.com
support: Could you please hold on for a moment, while we research this issue ?
you: sure thing
support: May I have your User ID and Password please ?
you: username: cracktoadupinthispiece
you: password: ilikebeer
support: This domain is registered to account :
you: oh weird, so i gotta login in with that?
you: damn it, okay
support: Yup.
you: god i feel so stupid now
you: i don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes
you: im gonna go cut myself and try loging in again
you: thanks for your help 🙂
you: do you have aim?
support: Its ok. Take a chill pill and have a nice time 🙂
you: mmmm pills
support: No. I dont have any IM 🙂
you: 🙁 k