I've got this friend named Jim……he is now referred to as Evil Jim.
Because he is now evil….
The night in question was a thursday the friday anteceding the thursday in
question would be jim's 25th birthday. jim was off work for that friday.
Jim, jim's roommate, jim's fiancee (now wife) and jim's friend carl went out
to celebrate. Carl had just driven up in his new car his new z98, black on
black, $13,000 cash, corvette engine, Camero with T-tops. The car was 15
days old, 1 more day than the dealer insurance. So they all go out it was a
dark and stormy night so they walked to the East End Grill, which is about
40 yards from jim's front door. They got there at about 9:30 p.m. and left
around midnight. the food was free and jim and carl were the only people
drinking. the bar tab was $195.41, i've seen the receipt.
There are over 15 instances of “Well Alcohol…. is only a $1.00”. At midnight they go back over to the apartment, Krista declares that they have no cigarettes and sends jim out to go get some. Jim takes carl with him they distictly do not walk to the Exxon 15 yards from his front door and get into the company van.
They peel out into the dark and stormy night. They go whipping around the
Winchester-Hickory hills area, taking 20mph turns at 70mph. The van is up on three wheels, two wheels, they swer it was up on one wheel at one point, but hey, they were drunk. The van does not flip, jim does not loosse control, they are impressed with themselves. They go back top the apt, about 25 minutes later get out, walk to Exxon, and buy some cigarettes and then walk back into the apartment. Carl sits down, takes off his shoes and socks, jum throws the cigarettes on the coffee table. Right next to carl's keys.
Jim bends down and scoops up the keys and is out the door. Carl jumps up, runs to the door, stops grabs the belt of m-60 machine gun ammo from the bookcase where it was laying (no, no one has any idea why it was there) and follows jim out into the rain. Carl gets down to his car and jumps into the passenger seat. He reaches over, turns the ignition off and takes out the keys. Jim turns to carl, holds his hands wide apart and says, “Carl, what did we just get done doing? Haven't I proven that I can handle myself? You know I won't do anything till I know exactly what your car can handle. Come on, Carl, gimmie the keys.” Carl drops the keys into jim's hand.
Jim fires up the car, and peels out into the night. They approach one of
their previously terrorized neighborhoods and Jim says, “OK, Carl, here is
wehre we'll see how it handles going around a corner.” Or, at least, thats
what the was going to say he got to “how it” doing about 70mph around a
30mph cornaer at 1 in the morning in the rain in a school zone. The car
started to spin. They hear a POP, a CRUNCH, a SNAP, and a CRACKLING sound.
Now each one of these sounds is distinct in it's meaning and must be
analyzed. POP= left rear tire exploding CRUNCH= rim shattering SNAP= rear axil breaking CRACKLING= rear fender/bumper disintegrating. They go
spinning, in the mud, across this guys front yard, across his driveway,
through a sapling, chipping a corner out of his garage (and front fender)
and come to a halt in a pool of sludge about a foot outside his bedroom
The light comes on. Jim and Carl get out, Jim holds his arms wide
open, as if to emcompass the whole scene and says, “CARL, I am going to fix ALL of THIS! I am going to make it ALL BETTER!”. The front door opens out steps a 40-something year old black man in a pair of boxers and a
wife-beater, he looks around and says, “You boys oughta come inside.” They go in. He sits them down on the couch, hands them eac a cigarette, lights them, gives them each a glass of water, sets down a big tin of breathmints, and puts the phone between them, then hands Jim a phone book and says “The coffee is brewin', I'm sure ya'll take care of the whole situation.”
Jim starts calling tow truck companies and they all say the same thing “If there isn't a tire (connected to the car) touching pavement, we have to call the cops.” About 3am the roommate walks in another 40-something black guy he looks at the two crackers on the couch, turns around, walks back to his room and isn't seen again. Jim calls his boss, a pretty well-connected guy, who tells him that he's prolly going to end up having to call the cops.
About 4am, the black guy comes back in, gives them each another in the long line of cigarettes and says, “Look, ya'll seem like reasonable young white-folk, and I don't want the cops here any more than you do but my wife is gonna be home soon and she just got done dealing with shitheads for eight hours the last thing she wants to see is two drunk-ass white boys on her couch with their broken down car in her yard. Thats right, its the Bonnie Situation from Pulp Fiction. “When you went spinning past my house, did you see a sign that said dead Camaro storage? NO? Know why not, cuz storin' dead Camaros aint my business!”
Carl said that he was having to pinch himself to keep from laughing when the guy said that.
Soooooooo, Jim calls the tow truck guys and the cops a little while later
they've both arrived. Tow truck guy is looking at what is left of Carl's car
and laughing and there are two copsthere, a taller, older cop who is talking to the tow truck guy and a short, younger cop who is interrogating Jim (with Carl standing next to him). The cop is like question..answer..QUESTION..answer…QUESTION!!! constantly getting louder and angrier and at some point Carl decides to interject. The cop turns on him and shouts, “Don't you say a fucking thing, theres one thing I hate it's a liar, and I don't thing he (pointing at Jim) was even driving, I think YOU were! So you just shut the hell up!” He then says “AND! if theres one thing I hate more than a liar its a drunk! And I KNOW you boys were drunk, and if we'd been called two hours ago when this happened you'd be in a van going down to 201, but we weren't and you're probably going to get away with it! SO get outta my face and go back inside!!!”
So they go scurry back inside and sit down, not much left in the way of mental reserves about 10 minutes later the older cop calls them back outside. The tow truck guy has Carl's car loaded up, the older cop asks Him to sign his ticket, he then gives Jim a copy (I have personally seen the ticket). 65mph in a 35mph zone, failure to maintain proper control, NOTHING ELSE! The younger cop then says, “And whats the deal with the belt of ammo in the car?” (within a 100 yards of a school, and therefore a felony) Carl turns stark white and says: “I have no idea, I picked it up on the way out the door, totally random, meant nothing, sorry.” The cop nods, grunts to himself, and goes back to the squad car.
The tow truck guys comes over he says he's going to take it to GWatney, cuz that
is the best place for this sort of major repair work on a Camaro. Jim says,
“Great, can you drop us off by there, its on the way to my apartment.”
Thirty minutes later, they pull into the Exxon parking lot where Jim should
have just gotten the damned cigarettes 5 hours earlier.
Jim and Carl get
out, thinking to himself, “Oh YEAH, my CDs!”, Jim came out with the CDs, AND the pipe, AND the bag of weed, AND the loaded, chambered, unregistered .25 caliber pistol. So I assume, about this time, across town, in the squad car cop A turns to cop B and says, “What else did you find when you searched the car?” and cop B says “When I searched the car?!?!”
Total damages to house and yard= $1100
Total damages to Camaro= $11000
This story has been ritually told at just about every party I have attended.
Although text does not quite portray this story as well as it should, I
think you get the picture. All movie rights for this movie have been
reserved, although we will take offers.