how to update crackhore.com

this is a open letter to ian, marla or anyone else who knows me, how to update my site after i’m dead.

Step 1) Define topic. You really have only 2 topics. How girls are fucked up and no one is having sex with you. That is the easier topic. You also have the “our goverment is fucked” update, also very easy to do while drunk.

Step 2) Drink heavily while listening to mp3s. Just load anything up, get just about any kind of forty and you’ve got this step.

what did you do today

scoutmastertoad: it’s 3:20am, im drunk, been high all day, i got a access point for designing a website that had to do with greeting cards, i designed my dad a leet website for his company and i made a pretty pimp flyer for a club that said they would give me free drinks….fuck i spent more money then i made today haha

stalker (n.) doesn’t play

Im sick of girls that are going through PMS. Bitching about “how tough it is to be a girl”. It can’t be any worse then being a guy.

I’m serious, I go out maybe 3 nights a week. I see girls. I see girls that i want to cut, chop up, eat and serve on a nice plate with maybe some potatoes. I don’t care how much PMS must hurt, nothing hurts more then seeing some beautiful specimen of the female species, in a pair of way too tight jeans. Like i can actually picture the face she would make during sex. I picture what those jeans would look like, getting pulled from those perfect tight thighs, this is way worse then PMS.

And this is just the random girl at a bar.

We’re not even talking about my crushes. Like the girls that actually seem worth datable (girls on my aim list, girls with laptops. girls with aim), those are so much worse. Once a girl gives me a solid reason to really be fucked up over her, it’ll happen within a few weeks. Just kinda how it works. Especially in real life.

Tonight, well, 4 hours ago, when i was still relatively sober, Angie calls. 1am, only angie could be calling.

I pick up the phone while im putting my boots on. Boots, knife, wallet, watch, keys, drive, drink, drink, drink.

She had a friend with her tonight, someone who i was introduced to while really drunk, so it was kinda fucking with me that i actually remembered her name. I told them tonight that i have a real problem rememebering people’s names that I met in real life.

If you msg me on aim, i’ll remember you.

They all agreed that that was really unhealthy, we drank more and all departed again.

I want to fuck Angie’s friend.

It’s horrible too, like i get around 300 hits a day, but none of you will ever know the truth behind Angie’s friend. Like i’ve developed a perfect x-ray vision for picturing girl’s naked and i trust this screenshot.

If you know what i mean.

Like it disgusts me that i’m updating some boring website about another girl that i pictured naked the whole night, but it happens so often that i gotta at least mention it once…or dozens and dozens of times.

It’s pretty late now, probably around time for that warm, comforting bed to be occupied.

Today has been a good day tho…I designed a beautiful layout for my dad’s site, a flyer for a friend of mine about 4 hours after the website, then i designed a fairly decent site for a my friend’s sister. He offered me a wireless access point for a website. I can handle that, hehe. I even brought a 40.

I’m about designed out for the day. 3 people out of 3 people have liked what they have seen. I feel unstoppable. Tommorow i shall code, design, steal, murder, smoke, and eat whatever it takes to provide a quality website.

cuz toad, doesn’t, play.

nothing better

nothing better then getting a phone call on your cellphone at 7pm that’s work related. I need to get a home phone again and turn the evil cell phone off. At one point of the conversation she asked if i wanted her to call me back on another line.

best part is tommorow she’s swinging by the office to talk..

“what time do you usually get in?”

“Oh umm how about 11”

“Hah, okay you just give me a call whenever you get here”

Ugh, can’t wait for tommorow.

toad’s guide to meeting girls from the internet

If you’re ever in a situation where you meet someone from the internet out of the blue, just follow these steps and you’ll be straight.

1) Never say “Wow i would have kept talking to you if i had known you were cute!” This is one sometimes slips out after a few drinks.

2) Do not instantly think that since you talked to you on aim that she wants to fuck you. This is only sometimes.

3) Get their phone number. Once she gives you that aim name she’ll never sign on again.

Just follow these 3 rules and you’ll be sure to make a outstanding, lasting and scarring impression on whoever you meet in real life.

how to pick up chicks part1

In these series of updates, im going to explain to you llama ass bitches that don’t know how to pick up chicks at a bar. Cuz toad don’t play.

Tonight i was strolling into young ave deli, just as i do every night that im fucking drunk and high. As i was walking in i made eye contact with this beautiful girl in a while shirt. I’m like “okay, i make eye contact with a lot of chicks, lets go drink”. I see her again at the bar. Then she asks that fatal question.

“hey you’re toad right?”

I freeze, scan the brain for any kind of mention of this girl’s face. Nothing comes up. I try to desperately cling to it.

“OMG! i havn’t see you in forever”

“Where do you remember me from?”

*silence*

*drinks beer*

“umm you know, that place with umm…that guy we know each other from”

It doesn’t work out. I finally get busted out and she says she knows me from this shitty blog of a site. I apoligize for the complete crap this site has turned into, she agrees, we exchange aim names….

I go and buy more beer, come home, sign on aim, unpause the elton john and fall asleep…

Cancel my subscription to the resurrection, send my credentials to the house of detention.

another exciting night in memphis….the activities waiting the bored and tired are truely numerous and fun.

First, we have alcohol. There are several bars that are having specials tonight. Pint night has it’s $2.50 pints…and the gas station always has it’s cheap 40’s. But since i’ve done the alcohol thing every night for oh, the past 2 years…..it even gets old…

Or i could read a book. New to my bookshelf recently are Dianetics, that weird L Ron Hubbard book. Since i was feeling in weird religion mood after the last knights of the st john book, i also picked up a transated version of the egyptian book of the dead. But i’ve been alone in a office all day..i’d like to actually interact with people over something besides aim…..

Lets see, what else is there possibly to do. Trying desperately to keep from having another 10 hour warcraft binge, then falling asleep at 3am, i shall shower, put clothes on and find something to do.

scoutmastertoad: god running in the park tonight was kinda weird
scoutmastertoad: really dark
scoutmastertoad: me and this homeless dude got into a staring match
FloTekSek: hahahahhaha
scoutmastertoad: need to stop running in th eevening since it gets dark at like 3pm
scoutmastertoad: felt like it was midnight out there
FloTekSek: he is probably on AIM telling someone the same thing
scoutmastertoad: lol
scoutmastertoad: yeah
FloTekSek: “i just knew he was gonna rob me”
scoutmastertoad: yeah haha
scoutmastertoad: i was the one with the knife out
scoutmastertoad: you can i have my iriver when you pull it from dead cold hand
FloTekSek: hahahha
FloTekSek: he was probably thinking the same thing
FloTekSek: “you can have my RIO when you pry it from my dead hand”

hehe

i love when the people i encounter through the phone and aim all day ask where i’m at. Some days, like today I tell them i’m still at the apartment. I tell them that no i’m not going to work today. They sigh and usually give some line about how it must nice to be self employed, etc.

Well it isn’t really that great.

Waking up at noon, sitting around all day and talking on aim doesn’t cost me money. I can eat grocery store bought food and im not burning any gas.

So when i go to the office and i don’t have anything to do, i do what i do when i’m at home. I talk on aim. I also get lured into eating out, which is expensive. We also can’t forget that i’m risking life and limb by driving down Vance to get downtown.

So when there isn’t shit to work on, what us webdesigners call a “draught”, it actually costs me more money to try to work instead of sitting at home not doing shit.

Sitting at home = warcraft + aim = 🙂
Getting up from chair and going to work = gas + eating at a resturant + almost getting shot = $