The night before last night my good friend Brad calls and asks if i wanna make $40 to run a little errand which he will use to win the heart of this girl. Only problem is that this errand has to be completed exactly by noon because i will be delievering the flowers to her work….all the way at Wolfchase. A good 18 minute drive.
He gives me and valerie $100 and tells us that we need to spend $30 on red roses and $30 on a necklace, nothing too fancy, a accessory, not a attention getter. I take the money, put all this information in my Clie so that theres no way i can be late, etc and we leave.
I ate 2 valium and drank a jug of wine.
I sleep well.
But i sleep too well, and I wake up at 11:48pm, OH FUCK. I turn to my right, down the glass of wine i was drinking when i passed out at god’s know what time do the math. Can i do this?
I pull on a pair of camo pants and button up my US Postal Service shirt, grab the hacker hat, wallet, cellphone and im out the door.
Now im not going to tell you where in memphis but i get to the flower shop on Madison in about 30 seconds. I slide into her parking lot, jump out of the car with this crazed look in my eye. I buy the roses, ask her if she thinks i can get to Wolfchase in well, the next 5 minutes. She replies no.
Back in the car, on Sam Cooper. Now on Sam Cooper i do a little math in my head. If i get these flowers there before the time that i promised i would, then i get $40. If i get pulled over i’ll most likely get a ticket i can get tossed out of court for $60, would have meant i gave my best try(if i had gotten pulled over) and im out $20.00 No biggie.
I’d like to state at this point, my civic is not “enhanced” like a lot of other Civics you see doing 120 mph down Sam Cooper. Besides the rims and tires which were really helping, it’s basically a stock 1996 which means at 120 it feels like 120.
Now im basically using all my driving skills at ths point, flashing my lights at cars when they start to pull in front of my speeding cradle of death. Playing the first rage against the machine album, getting a lot of mean looks, i pass Whitten.
Almost there. No blue lights in rear view.
I get off on Germantown, slide into the emergency fire lane, jump out of the car with flowers and burst into JC Penny’s. I ask where the Salon is, they point. At this point i go from crazy lunatic driving to stealth ninja mode, sneaking into the Salon, giving the flowers to someone there who knew the girl.
Walking out proudly, i call brad at work, tell him the operation was a success with no casualties.
Later Brad calls again and asks me if i want to make more money. We stop by since we’re in the area, he offers me $10 for a ride to the Olive Garden where he’s meeting the girl. After we drop him off Valerie begs me to go back to the mall just down the street to get a broken nail fixed.
Never being able to say no to a pretty face, we go. She goes into the salon, they say it’ll be 20 minutes, i walk out. I find a nice couch, lay down, pull my Steve James jacket over my head and fall asleep.
About 30 minutes later, Valerie is walking around the mall wondering what the fuck just happened to her boyfriend. Finally, after about 10 minutes of searching and calling my cell, she hears my cellphone ringing and finds me on the couch behind her.
This is about the same time as the security guard coming down the escalator noticed the guy in the camo pants, boots, spiked braclet and jacket pulled over his head sleeping.
Thankfully he says nothing as he gets off the escalator and we leave without having a mall incident…..