Month: March 2006

Today at the deli the bartender asked me to ask Levi to stop playing “speed metal” on the juke box because it “makes people nervous during the day”. They have one of those jukeboxes that download music from the internet so we have the entire Manson catalog to choose from. Which he considers speed metal. I smile and nod and say “oh yeah okay i’ll tell him” and get my pabst. Fuck him. Juke boxes are pure capital darwinism.

If you’re sitting there eating dinner with your family and don’t like whats playing, give your 9r yr old son a dollar so you can eat your sandwich without hearing “TIME FOR CAKE AND SODOMY”. Im so sick of player haters. Levi is about to go to Iraq, let him listen to some fucking Manson while he plays pool. I don’t care if some uptight cooper young family or couple is “nervous”, they’re not going to be getting shot at. Those are the same people with support our troops sticker on their SUV and say how proud they are for being american.

BEING AMERICAN MEANS IF YOU HAVE MONEY, YOU CAN CHOOSE TO DROP MONEY IN A JUKEBOX AND CHOOSE WHAT TO LISTEN TO, GOT IT?

Jukeboxes are the most democratic thing in the world.

Wow.

Whenever i am awe stroke by something i feel the urge to write. To educate. Almost like a public service announcement.

So i wake up this morning and i feel like complete ass, which is normal when you’re on a bender like this one. Levi finally gets back from recruiting and we go up to the deli for food and bloody marys. We start playing pool like we always do and this just pretty hot girl walks in by herself, in all black, long hair, really attractive.

She starts playing pool and this old man comes up and asks her if she’d like to play pool. She says she’s had a long day at work and just wants to play by herself. I continue to stare at this hot girl, wondering what’s beyond the hotness.

Finally, i think my constant staring finally makes her crack and she comes up and asks if we’d like to play teams. Cool. Levi and Rachel are all proud of me and smiling at me for luring in this girl. Im dressed like a homeless person, torn pants, holes in them, bleach stains, really just total apathy apparel. I’m not trying to attract. I don’t want anyone near me.

Anyway, we start playing. She’s really good, that’s hot.  She’s also really using body language, like lots of bending over the pool table slowly, tossing her hair over her shoulders, even standing in front of the huge fan and letting the air blow her hair back, etc. We all start talking and she asks all the normal get to you know crap, what’s your name…how old are you….then whats your sign, what do you do, etc. I notice she asks all these questions but never answers the question she asked. I even go as far to “guess” which sign she is based on how she’s acting. No response. That’s a little weird.

We play on. She’s using body language to her advantage, keeping really close to me, sitting in a chair backwards and even rocking back on it like she’s fucking it. I’m really intimidated by her but that’s kinda cool, in a weird way. It gets worse tho.

You can sense in the air her pure ego. Lots of “helpful hints” with pool that no one really asked for. Lots of loud burping, like “i don’t care what anyone thinks” kind of burps, trying to get a reaction out of us. Doesn’t work. I start to realize what we’re dealing with. This isn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing, this is just a wolf. A predator. Almost exactly like me but i at least try to hide it.

She asks Levi if she can borrow his phone to make a call. Okay thats a little weird, 2006 and doesn’t have a cell phone.  She takes it outside and makes a call. Levi is like “if she books with my phone i bet i can catch her” and her purse was still at the bar, so she comes back. She asks how much the phone costs, they tell her and say it’s cheaper to buy it online, etc. She says she doesn’t have a credit card. That’s a little weird too. No credit card means no bank account.

She next asks Levi how much a glass of wine at the deli is.  He goes “i have no clue, i only drink pabst” and then she looks at me. I just continue to rack the balls.

Finally she says “okay im going to leave” and leaves.  We all breath a sigh of relief. She’s gone and nothing “happened” because we were all waiting for something really weird to happen.  She was like a buffet of craziness. I mean i like my girls with a little garnishing of craziness, like just a hint. You always are attracted to people that are like you.

This was just a full buffet.

I told Levi that’s the reason i meet girls on the internet, the old fashioned way. A word to wise, anyone who sees a long haired girl in all black, playing pool by herself at the deli, stay away. Don’t even look because thats what she wants, she wants a “in”.

I’m just terrified that she knows my name and what i do for a living. Next time she sees me she might talk to me 🙁

*yawn*

Yesterday started out pretty normal. I sat around and worked, had a pretty good day, got some serious shit done, etc. Around 6pm, i’m done with work, i’ve ate and now i’m shaking from alcohol withdrawls, which isn’t really even worth writing about except that Levi calls and says about the same thing.

He meet up at the deli for pool and pabst. My pool playing starts out very very shitty, i’m talking Silverchair shitty. The more beer i drink, the better my game gets.  Around 9pm Rachel talks us into a drunk Target excursion so Levi can buy some clothes before he leaves for Iraqi again. We stop by the house to pick up Levi’s cell phone. While we are there, Levi sees my concealed weapons badge sitting on the coffee table and asks if i have a concealed weapon. I explain to him that one of the cops at Alex’s(cop bar) gave it to Ian a long time ago and i guess i stole it from Ian.

I strap the badge to my belt and we leave for target. Now you have to picture this. Levi isn’t too gothed out but i’m wearing baggy camo pants, a tight perfect circle t-shirt and doc martins with a concealed weapons badge, strutting through Target. It’s funny because it’s like 10pm and there are families with their kids just like “Hmmm i wonder what kind of cop that guy is”.

We go to the Full Moon Club next. Officer toad rolls deep into the bar. Now it’s even better. We grab a pool table and start playing again. There is a “jam band” playing that night so all of these guys in jeans with their collars popped start showing up. Lots of worn baseball caps. The place starts to fill up as the band plays. The yuppies and just about everyone there are very concerned about police toad. Finally someone approaches us and asks if we can play a few games of pool for beer.

Sgt toad takes his cue and the game begins. Now see what sucks is i’m a terrible pool player. I’ve had enough beer and the 2 warm rolling rocks i drank in the back of levi’s car on the way back from Target should have me at the top of my game. We lose.  We lose again.  One of the guys we’re playing finally asks me about the badge. I use my standard “i can’t really talk about it but i have to wear it” line. I really don’t remember much after that.

I woke up this morning with a weird pinching in my side. If officer toad goes out tonight he needs to take off the badge before he goes into his beer coma.

So this is like day 7 of my post valerie bender and i didn’t puke today.  Ate twice too. Get in my way now.

Last night’s drinking activities really deserve a update tho. I went to Neils with Wes, Christy, and Lev. For karaoke.  That’s basically all the ingredidents for a hangover and puking just right there.

We get there early and the pitcher beer starts with fury.  Lev opened up with some terrible song that you’d normally only hear in a doctor’s or dentist’s office waiting room. I’m actually glad i can’t even remember the title. Yay for beer.

I pick a classic, a song i’ve never mutilated before. I pick Silverchair’s Tomorrow. Awesome song, been listening to it a lot already for some weird reason so it was really classic. I got a lot of cheers too, like the toad stage show really worked. There was lots of dancing and growling.   The rule of thumb with karaoke(and the first chapter of Toad’s Guide To Karaoke) is that if you you can’t hit a note, go the exact opposite direction.  With karaoke there is usually lots of drinking involved, but it’s so important.  If it goes high, just growl it out. Think death metal.

Anyway, after i perform karaoke abortion on stage at Neils, Levi(not Lev) calls me.  He’s around the corner at the Full Moon Club.  He wants me to come up.  I have no choice.  At this point i’m too drunk to wait around for my second song to be called(tori amos – caught a light sneeze). I wait for him in the parking lot and get in his tight ass Eclipse and somewhere along Madison the beer comes back for a sequel.

Puking out the window as we drive down the street, we arrive at the parking lot.  About 50 “omg sorry lol”‘s and wiping the puke off the side of his car with my hoody, we head into the bar.

I’ll say this for Levi and Rachel.  They have seen me at my worst, just over and over the last week. I really owe them. It’s really fucked up going into a bar smelling of vomit. Like totally impossible to talk to anyone without them going “wow rough night?”. Luckily i don’t remember talking to anyone so hopefully theres nothing to regret.

Levi and Rachel sleep on the couch again. He had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn this morning and go recruit for the army since he’s back from Iraq and i guess they make them try to get people to sign up while back. Dunno how that works, you either wanna do that shit or you don’t, it’s as simple as that.

I wake up around noon feeling pretty good since i puked up most of the evil Neils beer and only had 1-2 at the full moon club.  I stumble to my meeting at the Celtic Crossing and drink possibly the best new castle i’ve ever had. I really have to be a sight when i go to a meeting. I wonder if people get offended that im drinking at 1pm. I’ve never had anyone comment on it i bet at least one person has been slightly……concerned that their website fate is up to me. Fuck it, the work speaks for itself. You can leave it or love it.

After my meeting my mom takes pity on me and picks me up and takes me to get a haircut.  I walk into the Fantastic Sams on Madison which i usually choose to fix my hair train wrecks.  I walk in and look around and don’t see my normal chick.  I write down my info and say to the 2 girls there “Please, i really need you to fix my orange afro, i need to look cute again”. 

The one hair stylist, a really attractive, tall beautiful creature turns to me without missing a beat and says “Look, I’m not a miracle worker”. I’m in total shock and i think i revert to complete honestly and go “Look im having problems with my girlfriend right now and my self esteem is in the gutter, I’ll walk to Dabbles and let some gay guy tell me i’m cute”.

She ends up giving me one of the better haircuts i’ve had. I had people tell me i looked good tonight. The problem is with haircuts is like “yeah of course i look better then i did before, i looked like shit!!!!”.

I had a lot of fun at Sidestreet tonight. It’s amazing how many beautiful women really exist out there. I’ve really enjoyed talking to people so much more lately, like almost on a whole other level. The problem is i’ve kinda forgotten who i am, what i say, how i dress and what is polite and okay to say the first time you’re talking to a girl, or anyone. In Toad’s Guide To Dating, which is is coming soon, says you should NOT mention to a friend of yours, in front of a girl, that her article of clothing makes you think about choking her. Choking = bad. Make a note of it.

Thank god the music was loud enough to where she said “what’d you say” and i go “oh nothing” and luckily it didn’t end up in her getting up and sitting somewhere else. Fucking new castle. I need to make a effort at  not saying fucked up things to people you don’t know.  That’s what im going to give up for lent.  Saying fucked up things to people i don’t know while drunk.

What’s even better is i know she knows about crackhore so theres a really bad possibility that next time i see her she’s going to be like “choking huh? :(”

But as my good friend Andyboy always says, you gotta choke a few girls to make a umm…omelette?

*cracks knuckles*

It’s 4 minutes until 3am, the golden hour for writing in your stupid site that no one reads.  I actually had someone msg me the other day and say there is too much content up on this site now and that it’s getting updated with my emo bullshit too often to even keep up and figure out the plot.

What shall we do, to fill, the empty, spaces.

I have so many intresting things to write about but nothing really is coming to mind. With my upcoming Tori Amos coverband, which will probably turn into a intervention, etc. I’m really afraid im going to get tricked into going somewhere and my family, friends and ex girlfriend are going to be like “Look, why don’t you just get drunk at home and not book shows,  you’re hurting all of us with this.”

Actually, on that poorly planned soon to be train wreck show, i’ve got a few replies from craigslist but ive had a change of plans. To pull this off we’re going to have to do it right.  I’m going to have to dust off the keyboard and learn the tracks myself. I have her sheet music in the mail and i’ve pulled on Willie to help teach me what i can’t learn myself.

Hobbies are good.

Drinking till 3am and listening to the wall isn’t one of them. My tori band isn’t either.

But you really have to break a few eggs to…for…things. WMDS, he’s a hitler, whatever look here’s a fetus and he’s a hitler. Something will stick.

Toad, why do you hate christmas.