thank you for coming to visit me

wow, i felt such price putting my LA license plate in the back of my undercover cop car. As i was walking out of the title place with my plate the guy said “yah i bet your surveillance vehicle has some stories to tell”.

I turn to him totally straight faced and say “yah it’s funny how the survaillancer becomes the survaillanced”. He literally laughs outloud, says “cheers” and closes the door.

I am no longer “riding durty” with my car. I have all the necessary paperwork to operate this vehicle and no i will not put my hands up and get out of the car.

This was great picking up my beautiful friend Ashley without a license plate.

Ashley came to visit me this weekend for a little vacation from her life. Her life has been pretty much wrecked because of me so i’ll give you a little character development before i dive into this update. About 2 months ago Ashley signs onto aim. We begin talking and i tell her a little about what i want to do to her if i ever see her.

The punch line is this isn’t really Ashley. It’s her mom! Anyway, Ashley has a huge fight with her mom and ends up leaving her mom’s house and moves in with her cousin. She sleeps there on a inflatable mattress(yah i know, the similarities are already glaring) for about a month or two.

She takes the train down last Friday to come see me. I text her about 7:30am when she should be on the train, tired as hell, on her way. No response.

I sit at work and think “that’s a little weird, i know cellphones get reception on the train cuz i lived on that fucking train for a few weeks of my life”. I leave work, go work out at the gym like usual and decide to go to the train station since i doubt she’s sitting with her friends laughing at the idea of my lame ass crying into my hands at the train station. But it’s probably my turn for something this depressing to happen.

I call her cellphone anyway and do not get a response. 🙁

I call Amtrak on the way there(i have their number in my phone) and they say the train got in about 15 minutes ago. Alright, here’s for great first impressions.

I pick her up and i give her a small tour of the garden district and we grab some food. She left her cellphone in Memphis and thats why she didn’t return the text message.

We then make our way into the quarter and i get completely lost trying to find our hotel. Finally my better judgment gets us there.
We do the normal Bourbon street thing with huge evil daiquiris. She is really stressed out by the street mime people who stand on milk crates and not move a inch while people lol and stare, etc. A guy that looks just like the “tin man” from the wizard of oz, and looks a lot like this, makes eye contact with us on his box.

tinmanneworleans.jpgI tell her it’s a normal french quarter thing to see, etc, etc.

About 2 hours afterwards we’re walking down a dark alley and i smell that unmistakable smell. My nipples get a little hard and i start to turn left and right to try to tell where it’s coming from.

The tinman is walking down the middle of the street smoking a joint. We both look over like “WTF” and he turns to us and says “TAH TIN MAN IS TAKIN A LIL CHRONIC BREAK” and offers me a hit. Since i fucking hate weed, the music it has inspired, the website updates it has created and the lives it has ruined, i decline.

I honestly wish i did do drugs or even drink or do anything that could get me laid off from my contract at ******** because it would have been a great story to smoke a joint with the tin man in New Orleans.


We do the typical New Orleans tourist things which include drinking around Jackson square, getting a really disturbing tarot card reading, river walk, steak and monsoons at port of call, hangovers, etc.

We’re watching the Saints game at a hole in the wall ball on Bourbon when i get a text message on my phone from a 901 number. I hate when this happens. NOTHING has ever been good from this.

It’s Ashley’s friend. She says “i know you don’t know me but please have her call me”. I show this to her and she calls her back. Apparently her cousin has moved out of her husband’s apartment(where Ashley was staying) and she is now staying somewhere there isn’t room for Asheley to stay.

I have now ruined Ashley’s life (squared). I offer her a place to live here and she respectively declines. I guess I’ve done enough damage.

I drop her off at the train station and head back to work Monday. Back to working 10 hours a day, working out at the gym, drinking myself to sleep and wondering why.

If you’re reading this, this was a wonderful weekend and I’m sorry i keep ruining your life. I hope I’m worth it. I seriously think it might be time for me to retire myself from everything.

It was nice living like a normal for a few days but you can’t stop whats coming and you can’t stop what is already here.

Time for a nice evening of cutting, gin and single life.

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