Month: October 2007

i’ve been hitting the tori pretty hard lately. latest album is starting to get old already. i feel bad how she comes out with something new and i just wear it out. i don’t take it slow and only listen to it when i really want to. naw, i tear open that directory and eat up every mp3.

anyway, was talking with katy about this earlier and i was talking about how i was going to have some crazy tori amos dreams tonight. she asks “wow what’s a tori amos dream like?” and i tell her “it usually ends up with her covered in my cum with a angry look on her face”

got a new woman sitting next to me at work. kinda sad how fast the cubicles fill and empty. my 2 friends are gone and have been replaced already. our cube walls are really shallow so it’s like they are sitting in the same room with me. and even tho i have headphones, i still sing along. and i like tori.

anyway.

i’m talking to her today and i go “i dunno if brian told u, we have a tradition that whoever sits in that cube buys me a bottle of jagermeister the first week they are here”. the other new guy in the cube groans and says “he tried that on me too”.
i’m going to keep trying this until it works. i need to tell brian he owes me 2 bottles since he screwed things up with the newest member to my work cast.

ive watched 10 minutes of the show k-ville. this is hilarious. it’s so accurate yet so stereotypical at the same time. so great….

So, it was October 5th, at 6:00 P.M. and I needed a shower. It was vacant, so I brought my towell and toothbrush in, turned the water on, but remembered I needed to make a phone call. I was already naked, so I just went to my room real fast, it’s only the next door down. I made the phone call, and went to go back into the bathroom, but someone beat me to it. The door was closed and I could hear water running. I knocked, but they didn’t say anything. “This asshole…” I thought, wondering which one of my dickhead roomates would do this and I figured I would just play a video game till they came out.
At 6:30 I realized I was still naked waiting to go into the shower, so I went back and banged on the door..but whoever it was didn’t hear me. I was getting kinda mad at this point. I’m a busy guy, you know? People to see, places to be, that kinda thing. I went back to my computer and resumed playing, still thinking about this jerk who’s been hogging the bathroom for a half hour. What kind of person does that anyway? He had to have seen my toothbrush and towell, and didn’t he notice I turned the water….oh fuck I’m an idiot.

i told a girl i work with about my site the other day. i don’t normally tell people about my site at work because, well, anyway. i kinda remembered what my past 3-4 posts consisted of and thought “maybe that was a mistake”.

it’s one thing to talk to people at work but when you let them into the crackhore world, that’s a whole other deal.

in other news, my elbow really hurts. i woke up this morning and one of my end tables had a puddle of beer on it.  i really want to know why my elbow hurt. i didn’t even have any jager last night. i remember going to the dungeon but i don’t remember leaving. yet i remember the way the bartender’s ass looked in her pants. i almost feel bad sometimes going in there by myself, getting a pitcher of beer and just staring at her. i mean i’m sure she’s used to creepy guys but still.
since it’s my friday off i now feel obligated to start drinking.

i forgot this really great human interaction today. i’m outside my apartment about to start my run, trying to find the start of 10k days when a white truck pulls up and the window rolls down.

now i’m 100% sober, really pissed because i want to kill myself and that’s not a great feeling. i want to start my run. i am ready to start my run. this is 100% accurate.
like “okay probably directions” and approach and say “hey whats up?” the guy says “hey” casually. i go “can i help you with something?” he says “you live there?”.

now the last thing u wanna tell a stranger before you go for a run is where you live.

i say “i’m sorry, can i help you?” i’m confused, he’s not asking for directions, i’m very confused and a little angry. these are way more questions then answers and thats not the way i work.

it turns out he’s a neighbor for 2 doors down. he looked a lot like my next door neighbor who i’ve….had a conversation with that didn’t end with either of us liking each other.

i tell the dude i had a long day at work and apologize. i tell him his house is the best looking on the block and he tells me how much water he had it in when he started.

i feel like a complete asshole. honestly tho, when someone pulls up to you on the street and starts asking you really open ended questions about if you can help them and if you live around there, aggression is the right emotion. i don’t regret it.

fuck being friendly.
this is post k new orleans, son, i’m lucky to be even writing this and not tied up in my running clothes in the back of some sicko’s truck.

so today im at work desperately trying to keep my mind on work. i figure the more brain energy i can focus into work the less my brain will use to communicate with itself. it’s not getting easier.
it’s part of the one really good trait in my personality, i hold myself to a very high moral standard. i have a code that i try to live by but fail at it miserable. now sometimes that is a lot of fun. there was a period in my life where i was breaking every rule in the book just to see how evil i can get without my conscience going “okay wait stop, don’t murder that homeless guy and jerk off on him”.

it’s after that but anyway.

i really justify suicide to myself on pretty much a daily basis. i could make a mathematical equation right now that if shown to you, you’d go “yup, you’re a piece of shit and you’ll never been a good person”.

the guilt i’m carrying around is getting pretty heavy. the facade i usually carry at the office is kinda tough to keep up when my brain is telling my body to slit my wrists with the letter opener.

writing isn’t making me feel much better.

going to try something from the freezer.

i’m seeing this reoccurring pattern in my life over the last year since i’ve left memphis. it’s like the universe is pretty much giving me everything i want. i’m getting it all but i’m fucking it all up. never satisfied, never happy. i don’t want to ever want anything again because if i want it then it’s guaranteed i’m going to fuck it up.

on the plus side i ran 9 miles today. good ole 10k days is still my #1 a+ album to listen to while running. if you can make it up until jambi then you’re fucking straight. after that song you’re in the home stretch.