fyi i’m totally sober writing this. this line will make sense a few paragraphs below.
weekends are the worst when you’re a single male living in the US. your options are basically staying home or leaving the house. a or b. now when you end up leaving the house, you’re going to run into people, many of those are women. now most of them are not what you’re looking for but companionship is companionship…the whole sitting on the couch and watching tv with someone after eating dinner is highly underrated. especially when it’s a real moment that you both realize you’re using each other for the same exact thing and continue doing it. oh well, she moved.
the real problem has come from what has been built up in our society. a generation raised with the idea that you’ll find this one person and you’ll be compatible and live happier ever after. the problem arguing against this is that a large portion of my friends and a huge portion of people “i know” have done exactly that.
there is also a whole paragraph i could write about the people trapped in loveless or terrible relationships but they know it and hate it so i don’t want to even bring it up. even tho i just did 🙁
then there are a lot of us who haven’t. the lonely older people. it sucks huh? well, i’m tired of being down about it. i have a bad habit of pondering “maybe ive already met her”….i mean maybe you should have stayed with valerie and tried to make it work, maybe ashley was one i should have stayed with, maybe kelly would have got her shit together…the rear view mirror is not where to look…
a few weeks ago i got to spend some time with someone i could honestly say i cannot get over. friends have commented that i’ve been head over heels for this way too long and asks if there is something more there. i tell them i don’t know.
the worst part is the pessimistic side of me is afraid to ever actually get to call her my girlfriend…i have so much baggage, mistrust, etc that it’s probably just too late, even for her? or does all that shit just disappear and she accepts me for who i am…that might be the disney society thing again.
you’re supposed to “take things slow” with people but i can’t stop thinking about every lonely second spent could be the exact opposite of how i’m feeling now.
then you gotta look at the “oh well, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen” bullshit…this one is my favorite because it’s such a agnostic excuse for loneliness. it’s out of my control that she isn’t living down here…if it eventually happens then it will. this is just the real lonely bitter dark before the dawn, yeah sure 🙂
i guess it’s my role in this to try to appeal as attractive as possible which probably does not include writing posts like this.
so i spend my time working out, trying to make money and just existing and waiting for something to happen.
the thing that gets me is that i’m feeling anything like this. after the last few months i should be glad to even be sitting here. completely back to the start. again. circles and circles.
tarrance came to visit me and was amazed at how my apartment is basically a nice replica of the old apartments he used to see me in. nothing has changed, nothing will change, all of this is pretedetermined.
or it’s not.
i want a reminder that i can choose my fate. or i want a reminder that i can’t. it’s great, just sitting on the fence watching the world exist and trying to find a reason it.
and no i’m not going to find jesus. i found god in my mid 20’s when i was really into **** so i know there is something but it never seems to answer the question of loneliness. just a constant “everything will be okay” which is kind of a blanket statement.
anyway, lets stay on topic.
i really need to take a long look in the mirror and realize how much better this is then marrying really young, etc. Everyone wonders, i know they do. Grass is always greener. Screw it, at least the saints are undefeated. Probably going to lose now that i said that 🙁