Author: Scoutmastertoad

so many of you saw me in a not so great place last night.

look.

everyone pukes sometimes.

this is what happens when you drink all day and don’t eat. what you saw spewing from my lips was pure alcohol and you and i both know it.

i woke up this morning, turned my camera almost puked. i hope someone saved my magic marker cuz im covered in all kinds of writing

anyway, congrats mary and erichole. i seriously almost cried 2-3 times yesterday, just so fucking sweet. i think i was the best usher ever, since mary’s brother, the other usher was afk for most of the most important part of being a usher. i seriously walked in every single hot girl there. i gotta give him credit tho, he came through when i needed him. i gave him a sign for when valerie got there so he could walk her to her table and avoid me just pointing at a chair and yelling sit.

to mary and eric’s family, i hope you’re not reading this, but i really appreciate the alcohol and food you provided for this wedding.

really appreciate it. *winks*

other really hilarious moments:

mary is throwing the garter into the crowd and i take off the jacket of my tux, stretching my arms, getting psyched up. it’s just me and a really really tall black dude. i look at him and say “you don’t have shit on me, player” and shove him. he lols and shoves me back. which of course deserves another shove from me. we’re knocking each other up like we’re about to go for a rebound when finally some other people show up and the crowd stops laughing.

he still gets it. i didn’t even jump.

i don’t want to get married until tori is ready.

or unconscious in my trunk

in all seriousness, as if this site ever did that, it was really a honor. like normally unless you’re related of fucking someone in the wedding party, you’re not in it.

i havn’t fucked eric in months.

saw mary naked once but that doesn’t really equalify me to be in the wedding.

or maybe it did.

ive never been in a wedding before and i really appreciate and give respect that you bought the tux’s for everyone. the lady at the men’s warehouse was like “yah thats the way people used to it but now a days most folks gotta pay for it themselves”.

the rehearsal dinner was also amazing. i ordered the filet(sorry, shit isn’t cheap but i just can’t say no 🙁 ). it tasted like if you pulled jesus from the cross, grilled him and set him next to a side of mashed potatoes. brad and i were almost both killed on the interstate on the way there so the drinks on you was also very sexy. drinks on all of us. this almost kinda fucks with me cuz i know my wedding isn’t going to be nearly this classy.

you’re all getting 40’s and hotwings for my wedding rehearsal dinner and this shit is going to be held in the park and im not even paying monsignor watkins to perform the ceremony.

well it’s time to get ready for mary and eric’s wedding. i really hope i don’t fuck your wedding up. i had a great nightmare that i knocked over a candle and the whole place went up in flames. i’ve only had one beer so i have my balance and tact that everyone loves.

this is going to be a long few day. after the photographer takes the pre wedding pics, we have the wedding, we have the reception with a keg of amberbock, then we have the after reception party which the keg of amberbock is also going to. then tomorrow afternoon we’re all meeting at john’s house for a super late after party?

i am going to be the image hungover on monday.
to everyone who has msged me the last few days:

i’ve been afk, stop taking it personally. the world does not revolve around you. i am also aware that aim has a away message system but i’m usually running so late for whatever event or bar i’m going to that i don’t have time to write something witty for you.

anyway, time to go shower off the sin, brush my teeth so eric’s poor mother doesn’t have to smell beer and drugs on my breath. i’d also like to make a apology in advance for whatever might happen today, tonight and tomorrow.

lets just get it out of the way now 🙁

ignore the grammer here, this is worth it…well, it is for me.

im kinda stressed out about mary and eric. they both touched my ass more tonight then they ever have. i hope this isn’t a “lets touch toad’s ass one more time before we’re married and we can’t touch it anymore”. I doubt their wedding is going to affect my anal activitiy but tonight they were just so over the top about my butt that i have to worry.

It is my nature.

Tonight at sidestreet i was carrying myself with a unknown and strange feeling. I usually dress like someone who asks you for money at the gas station. I sometimes put on my slave clothes, the ones i put on to make white people think im a good white person that makes websites. I was talking to two beautiful women, at once.
It was like aim in real life.
The full moon club was mostly a blur. Just remember seeing my poor ex everywhere i went. No one understands that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I sometimes get over things. Just needs enough drinking and cutting.

Anyway.

So i went to pick up my suit today at the men’s wearhouse on poplar. This is a adventure in my car…err go-cart…..i get there and park, leaving the keys in the ignition. I walk in and ask one of the random rednecks standing there signing stuff and processing his shit. This is verbatim, in perfect call center leetness, “excuse me sir, could you watch my car for maybe 4-5 minutes while i put this tux on?”.

He asks me which one is mine, walk about 2 feet,  point at the primer black death trap and say “it’s the one that looks like if turned it off it might not start”. They laugh. So do i.

I try on my tux, i am sexy as fuck. I like a little hand in my blowjob, fyi ladies *wink*

I walk out of the men’s warehouse, which name is still stressing me out, give the guy watching Max, the running car, for watching it so i didn’t have to turn it off. I feel like i owe him something so i give him $2 and say buy a beer on me. He’s obviously really off but obviously drinks and loves this and takes the money. I grab my tux and roll out.

The ride home was long and boring.

I went out and drank at sidestreet and the full moon club. The pics speak for themselves. I talked to so many wonderful people. So many newcastle, so much jager, so many boobs. Apologies all around for um..everything. Props to Wes for taking me home…it would have been a long walk, Laura and Lauran for um, listening.

Everyone at sidestreet. I am really jesus, seriously.

Hi (toad’s real name),

We’ll check what can be wrong tomorrow. Sorry for a delay with answer
but there was national holiday yesterday there (Independence Day).

Best Regards,
Belarus Web Developer helping me on a website

—-

Toad’s response to customer who i’m helping interface with the sneaky fucking russians .

Sounds like they’ll check it tomorrow. I’m going to be stressed out
all day that there are people in Belarus not working because of our
holidays. Don’t bother calling point2point next week because in India
I’m sure they are celebrating something?

Anyway, I’m sure they’ll be able to fix it, it just sounds like i got
a old version of the site from our recovery efforts.

-Toad’s real name

I got back from Nola a few days ago and have quite a few little tidbits that must be preserved in this emo bullshit site.

The first day we got there we went over to Lizzay’s and well, you know how she rolls. Poor Merritt who hasn’t smoked anything in like half a decade catches a very mean contact high. We get in her car and Merritt reaches back and grabs her Club and begins to put it on the steering wheel. I turn to her and say “we probably don’t need to put that on before we drive”. Riding with Merritt while high in New Orleans is probably one of the most scary feelings ever. She’s driving perfectly fine but keeps muttering “shit” under her breath.

She drops me off and I tell her to call me when she gets to her hotel room. I go back to my shitty little room that doesn’t even have a TV, lay in bed and read while waiting for her to call me and tell me she’s okay. She calls and says “toad, i think i made a wrong turn and now all the windows are boarded up. I just asked some guy for directions and he said white women tasted like pork.” I just start laughing and then she starts laughing because as niave as i am, this just sounds too good.

Merritt let me drink in her car on the drive down there and up there. This is in my mind, the same as letting a diabetic shoot up insulin. I’m pretty sure the scene where we’re both singing along to the Hustle & Flow soundtrack will be in the movie of my life. Bumping it on her FM reciever in her 1984 Volvo flying up I-55. Good times.

I like getting drunk and writing letters to faceless corporations when one of their local managers really hooks me up. I’ve done this with the dude who helped me put on a air filter at Autozone in the pouring rain at 11pm, etc. I also write vengeful letters when i feel i am crossed but mostly they are to help someone at a shitty job get something in their folder that says they are a good employee.

From: jesus@crackhore.com

To: sales@enterprise.com

i’m not usually the letter writing type. I’m a 25 year old freelance webdesigner who recently has been traveling to new orleans to pick up customers from company which lost their data center in the storm. This means lots of driving to random parts of new orleans to meet these new clients. I’m a Cancer and really don’t like leaving my apartment but i love new orleans and want to eventually move there so traveling down there is worth the time and expense. The first time i went down and just took cabs everywhere. This was obviously not the right choice and it’s also a lot more difficult to write off cash for cabs on taxes.

The second time i came down there i got a car from you guys based off my friend’s advice. Now I have mastered having you pick me up from the train station, getting my car and going about my day. What really sold me on you guys was the Sunday i left. I had to return my car to the Airport location since the Barone street location was closed on sunday. This kinda sucked. I get there and they say they can’t take me to the train station since it’s way outside of their range. I understand this, we’re all the way in Kenner. The woman who took the car said the shuttle would take me to the airport where i could get a cab. It would have been at least $45 after tip to take a cab from the airport to the train station. I walk in and ask what looks like a manager if there is anyway they could make a exception. I don’t know if they were just slow that day or if he’s just a great manager but he had one of his people drive me to the train station.
If i hadn’t been in such a hurry i would have got a card from him so i could drop his name in this but even if this was a direct violation of the enterprise policy, it was still great you stuck to your “we’ll pick you up” slogan. Please thank the manager at the new orleans airport location for saving me a expensive cab ride. I’ll be in New Orleans again tomorrow and will going with you guys again.

Last night Peter calls and says he left his bottle of Maker’s Mark in my freezer. I have a lady friend over and do not want Peter rolling up into my date. And by date i mean, forcing her to sit in my hot computer room and drink wine with me. I grab Peter’s Makers Mark from the freezer, glass of wine in other hand and walk outside to give it to him.

My neighbors who know im a raging alcoholic, are out on their porch. I wave to them and hand peter the brown paper bag and he drives off. Any FBI operatives watching and photographing just file it under “drug deal”. My neighbors stare and i try to make small talk, mostly slurring and probably making zero sense, and go back inside.

Im just waiting for the walls of my life to crumble down and wake up in Gitmo.

i either need to find or a good therapist…..

http://memphis.craigslist.org/muc/174340952.html 

I know it’s kinda normal to wake up feeling this shitty every day. I think you really become a adult when you realize that you’re probably not ever going to get farther in life then where you are at now. There is no bright future, no happy ending, no light at the end of the tunnel. We work our shitty lives just to maintain a place to live, a car to drive and money to eat and insurance to cover your car. You get about 5 hours per workday for yourself, the rest is just rotting and trying to replace whats broken.

This is probably just the memphis talking but i really can’t wait for the sweet cold release of death. Knowing that you’re never going to have to deal with another asshole redneck about his website, never pay another timewarner or mlgw bill, never have deal with another vague error message, sounds pretty good right now.

It sucks that my site has become so emo and i think a lot of this has to do with turning 26. I’ve gotten rid of my lame girlfriend, i’ll be out of this shitty city by september but what do i do until then? You can only spend so many hours killing time at your computers watching movies and talking on aim. Every girl i’ve met in this redneck city has the the depthness of your average house pet. Oh well, it’s back to new orleans again.