Category: TOAD NEWS FEED

After a intresting day at the office with Marla, i settle in with my Corona forty nightcap and my mp3s. A website that has been, well, lets put it this way, been under construction a little longer then it was supposed to. It also cost a little bit more then it should have. Basically meaning i fucked up. And fucking up isn’t something that i like doing. Especially when i go about for months knowing that i fucked up and am still paying for it cuz it’s not done yet. So everytime my mind would go completely blank from thought, in this site would come. Needless to say, i’m glad the nightmare is over. Hopefully they will be cutting me a check tommorow and i’ll really get closure. At this point, like any other project that stretches out longer then it should, the money doesn’t really even matter. Now when my mind goes blank and i think of the site, i smile and think “owned”.

Jay, i appreciate the help and whenever you need painkillers, white slaves, a underground railroad to escape the country, etc, etc, you’ve got a friend. Winter, spring, summer or fall. All you have to do is msg. And i’ll come running….running….

There is this really really sweet lady at work named Debbie. Debbie always makes time in busy day to help the boss’s stupid hungover son with a proposal and other things that relate to all those things that go around actually designing a website…anyway, it’s not in her job description to help my dumb ass. I knew she drank Smirnoff Ice so about a week ago i bought her a 6 pack of it and put it in my fridge. Somehow, i’m not really sure how, but 3 of those Smirnoff Ice’s disappeared that night. Then at that point i was just like “why bother give it to her”.

So another week passes and on St Patricks Day I buy her another 6 pack, with the full intention of bringing the full complete 6 pack. Then last night after the 2 huge Coronas just wasn’t enough, 3 more Smirnoff Ice fell victim to AlcoholVampireToad. Now on a question of etiquette, do i give her the 3 remaing Smirnoff’s, replace the 3 missing Smirnoff’s with a Coors Tallboy, or finish the other 3 tonight in celebration….i don’t even like Smirnoff Ice 🙁

Today at lunch Darrel i told him about my new project i’m going to start writing. I’m going to title it Toad’s Guide To Webdesign In The South. It will cover the basics like avoiding clients that have deep southern accents, avoiding clients named Bubba

posted from bed…with a dead horse rotting in my stomach, i recall the events of last night’s party. We got there early then after Ian showed up it got uber crunk fast. Everytime i looked over and saw Ian and Sara they were shooting a red or brown colored alcohol. Nothing really crazy happened, just the usual Neils drinking….i remember arm wrestling with Nate and almost winning. Arm wrestling sucks cuz if their arm is longer then yours you’re basically screwed. I’ve had a long history of picking fights with Nate and last night i almost had him convinced to meet me outside and have a street fight on Madison.

haha the best part about last night was when this cute girl came up to me and after we were introduced by my friend she said “oh, so you’re toad!”. I was afraid i was about to find out that i was a father or something. We ended up talking most of the night and i think i gave her my number. Most of the night was a blur of whiskey shots and arm wrestling anyway.

ian departs on his cross country journal 4.0 tommorow destined for the golden city of Las Angeles. He tried to talk me into driving out there with him and flying back but i’m not really into roadtrips anymore, for the obvious reasons…ugh, anyway, time to go try to hydrate my poor broken body and try to work..

i called my mom earlier and told her about the cool little dispensers that give out mouthwash. I told her how special i felt that fox and hound wanted to take care of me. She however told me that they provide the mouthwash for people who had ordered spicey foods. She said they have the same dispensers at Corkeys, which serve ribs. I dunno tho, sounds like bullshit to me.

2am.. probably should go to bed…early day at the office tommorow…have to be there by 10…i have 3 alarms set, maybe i’ll wake up…..really tempted to drink one of the smirnoff ice’s i bought for debbie that’s in the fridge……must…not…drink….gift….i’ll just have one…”to help me sleep”

ahh, Pint Nite eve. In less then 2 hours the great Monday ritual begins. I’ll drive down to the Flying Saucer, drink $2.50 pints of some exotic beer and stare at the beautiful waitresses. Theres nothing better then getting sloshed on $10 worth of beer and talking about kidnapping and molesting waitresses with the other Saucer patrons. But first i must finish a flowchart for a site…which requirse flow chart making music. I loaded up c:mp3sgay and was rewarded with Tiny Dancer by Elton John. The volume goes up so that the rest of my neighbers can hear Elton’s beautiful tender voice.

ugh, pint nite…..the drive home wasn’t as bad as previous nights…took the back roads home…didn’t kill anyone….there was a waitress at pint nite who had this huge black and blue mark on the back of her ankle. Everyone(since i wasn’t drinking alone yet) was wondering what it was. I assured everyone that it was a bruise from handcuffs that she often wore during sex. The next time she came back to our table, i asked our kindly waitress…her name was….started with a L…Liz! yes! it was Liz, so i asked our amazing waitress what the mark was on the back of her ankle. She pulled back the stocking and said “My shoes do this”. We all laugh and smile and i feel foolish. It looked like a bruise…they all believed me…

hrmm, went fox and hound with everyone….had 2 beers…they only charged me for one…left dude a 4 dollar tip, went to bathroom. I went to wash my hands and noticed 2 little…well i’m not sure what they are, i think they are called spigots, that dispense soap. you push them down, it shoots out soap, you own bacteria, leave. but this has 2..spigots..one for soap and one for……mouth wash? it had a little plaque and everything that said MOUTHWASH. I noticed a bunch of little cups. I am supposed to use this mouthwash to kill the familar scent of beer on my breath! Wow. Sure my beer cost me 4.75 a pint for…Coors…but goddamn, they actually care about me! They don’t want me to get pulled over and have a bad experience with Fox And Hound. Thanks!

I explain to them their website, with probably a little bit more ease because of the alcohol in my blood, they thank me and i race to the airport. After a small pit stop at a gas station to buy a beer for the plane ride, i park at the Park Ride And Fly and ride to the airport. The chaufeer that drives the little van commented on the Miller High Life and i explain to him that it's my vacation and i deserve the Champagne Of Beers.

Security Check
I get in the long line that is leading to the gate to have my carry on checked. When it was my turn to go through the medical detector, i dump the 2 pounds of electronical equipment that i carry with me everywhere into the little tray, put Magnus the laptop on the belt along with my backpack. I walk through the metal detector when i notice 2 of the guards stopping the x-ray belt and staring at the monitor. They ask who's bag it is, i tell them, and they ask me to go sit down by a table next to a very large black man in camoflage with a equally large gun. One of the other guards, a very nice little black lady starts to go through the Hore backpack. After she pulls out a huge maglight, a pair of pliers, a handful of condoms and my leatherman, she asks if she can pat me down. I smile, say “It would be my pleasure” and get padded down. I kinda liked that part. Then they test my backpack for explosives and thankfully it tested negative. Then the nice lady asks me to undo my belt. As i undo my belt I grasp at my baggy pants to keep from showing everyone in line what they really wanted to see, and the belt gets approved.

Then off come the boots. She asks me to sit down in a small chair next to the table, put my feet up on a little step stool and remove my boots. I smile while i undo the doc martins knowing that i'm going through every singleI still can't figure that out, why did i have to keep my feet on the stool. Even while she put my boots through the x-ray machine, i had to keep my feet on the stool. Then my boots are checked for explosives and ran through the x-ray machine again. Just to be sure i guess. I guess i just have one of those faces.

Flight 4260
Our flight leaves, i open up Magnus the laptop and begin writing about how wrong it is for humans to fly. The flight attendent ignores me and my Champage of Beers and i write for a few hours before drifting off into a weird semi-nap state. I wake up as we arrive in Chicago, just in time to snap a few pics of all the different buildings that i'd probably never enter. I get off the plane, look at the weird stuff on the ground called “snow” and rush to my next gate. I have only enough time to poop and begin writing before i hop on yet another flight.

Flight 758
Very uneventful, filled with reading and solitare on the laptop. I got a great picture of the very ugly lady asleep next to me and i think the guy on the other side of me was a cop. I land in Albany, call Jeff to ask if Dave is online, see Dave and we depart from the airport.

Albany, NY
After a very scary drive on the Albany freeways, we arrive at Rensselaer college. Since i had only ate a apple and a bagel the entire day, Dave suggests we go get food from the cafeteria. Only problem is, since i'm not a student there, i don't have one of these cards. The solution was to borrow Cedrick's card. I was like “yeah that'll work, i'll probably look something like him.” They hand me Cedrick's card and i look at the picture of a fairly large black man. Surpisingly enough, the lady swipes the card without looking at the picture and i'm free to dine on RPI's wonderful cafeteria. After a full meal and then fixing one of my website's that was on fire, we go purchase beer. We drink, watch The Labyrinth, partake in normal dorm activities and then call it a nigt since they had class in the morning. Dave gives me a sleeping bag and a blanket, i finish the last of my Coors and drift off into alcohol induced slumber.

Friday
I'm awoken to the smell of a cheeseburger that Dave places in front of my face. I wake up, eat breakfast in…sleeping bag, and indulge in the great college experience that is showering with flipflops on. The whole time i was waiting for the curtain to be torn up to see tweleve college students, all naked, saying “It's time to iniate you into the dorm”. Luckily it didn't happen.

We drive out to the middle of no where, go to a very strange mall to eat where i steal a toothbrush and toothpaste. We come back to campus, begin drinking hard liquor and head off to the Zoo frathouse for my first frat party. They look at my id, put a circle on my hand and we stumble in. We first go down to the basement, get our free beers and begin drinking. Several beers later, after dancing on a table with Dave to the most poorly mixed music i've ever heard, we leave.

Next Friday Morning
I really didn't seem to have time to write daily so i'm gonna just start summing it up. The whiskey and beer flowed as i lived on Dave's dorm room floor in a bright red sleeping bag, surrounded by cables going to my various electronical devices which rule my life. The entire time i was here i didn't have to pay for any food because it was all being taken care of by RPI's cafeteria. We would simply ask for one of his friend's cards, go to the cafeteria and hand the lady the card. She would smile, swipe the card and not notice one bit that the face on the card is a large black man and i'm a very pale crackhead. The first time we tried it i was like “no way this isn't gonna work, i'm not black”. But the lady didn't even glance at the picture. After i got through i let loose a celebratory “crackhore! ahahha” and grabbed a tray. The food there kicked ass. I wonder if i gained weight.

I played a sick amount of Grand Theft Auto. That game has made achievements far beyond the first 2 versions. The realism in the graphic violence has left my nipples hard and my mind blown. What other game can you just drive around, running people over in cards, blowing cards up, killing law enforcement officers and stealing cars? Way more fun the Tony Hawk could ever be.

I now have some beautiful memories of walking through the snowy campus, stoned out of my senses since i couldn't smoke in the dorm, and thinking to myself how pretty snow is for someone who doesn't have to live in it. Seriously, how do people handle this shit. The weather up here is nuts, i wonder how people get used to it.

The RPI network was harvested by my pretty little laptop. I downloaded 7 gigs of mp3s and etc files and now am set for music for the next 6 months. After about 3 hours of searching i actually couldn't think of anything else i wanted to download. I had everything i wanted. It owned. It was really strange seeing a laptop in every room. A very wired school, i was really impressed. Each student is given a IBM thinkpad as part of their tution. So you can imagine the mp3s. After The Door's Greatest Hits ends i'm gonna break out the Simpsons Episodes that i also copied. Mmmm media.

I sure wish the rest of the airport would open up. I'd kinda like to feast upon a fending machine or two and a whiskey and coke or few could really help the time pass. I'm getting kinda worried about my little physical addiction to alcohol so i may eat instead of drink tonight. Or maybe i'll wait till i get on the plane. Haha.

4:03 AM 1/24/02
Location: Still in albany airport
Beverage: Jack and coke…mm
Thoughts:
I left the comfort of the observatory room to sit down in front of the security gate. Theres a lot more people here, it being 4am. I still have 5 hours left until my flight leaves. I found a power socket to plug the computer into, found a vending machine to mix a jack and coke with, and after a packet of Cheeze It's and Ritz the alcohol starts. I'm listening to Pink Floyd's More on my tiny laptop speakers. Wow do i love alcohol. No one seems to be sitting anywhere near me, on purpose probably, i'm sure they can smell the whiskey in the air but i don't care. I didn't see or steal any signs about alcohol not being allowed inside the airport. Theres a girl asleep behind me, beautiful dark red hair, i wonder who she is. I love being the only person drunk in a mile radius. All these people coming up the escalator now, sitting down, staring at the guy with the laptop, the whiskey and the Pink Floyd. I can feel the green eyes of jealously on me. Crap, another marine.

Some people say 4am is probably a bad time to start drinking alcohol. I disagree tho. In about 5 hours, my plane will depart the frozen land of Albany and i'll go back to memphis for 48 hours before i leave for new orleans. This will end January, the month of traveling for me. I've picked probably the most dangerous time to travel but who cares. I'd rather die in a fiery terrorist explosion then of liver failure with my dozen cats and dozen computers. Much better to go out in a fireball with a whiskey buzz then die in a lame old car crash. Damn, the girl behind me woke up, and walked away. Now i can turn the pink floyd up. I really hope i get gunned down to Pink Floyd, i'm really kinda afraid that i'll die without music.

The highlight of the visit was when we threw a huge party at my apartment with a assload of random aim people attending. You can see the pictures of Toad tied to his wall and Jeff half naked with Brandon dipping his hand in water.

Like always, some background information. I had just came to a conclusion to a question which had been itching to be answered all week and i had to get out of the city. If you ever talk to me on a regular basis you know what im talking about, if not, don't worry about it, its hardly relevant to the content below.

Day 1
I walked in the door, showered, and quickly put on a pair of black pants and a crackhore.com t-shirt. Moving quickly, i grabbed a backpack, threw a spare wheel, a spare bearing, my skates and flew out the door. I drove first to Trilogy tattoos, told them i wanted to get my ears pierced, then 20 minutes later i walk out with pierced ears. I hit the interstate and headed south. The drive down was relatively uneventful, once when i stopped to get gas i ended up going north on the freeway insted of south but i guess thats not exciting. Then i saw this place.

Yeah, wtf. I had to walk in to buy a large coffee to stay awake and i got alot of stares, we were already deep in Mississippi. Flooring it as i pull away from the Deliervance of gas stations i finally started to unwind and looked forward to a weekend of skating and not being in Memphis. Not too many things else happened while driving down, nice weather, had the windows rolled down and my mood was already lightening.
The drive continued and i felt the effects of the super large coffee i drank and had to pull over to go to the little Toady's room. Man did i ever pick the wrong spot.

Man was this place scary. I thought the Huddlehouse was just something they joked about but this place, man oh man. I walk in and it looks like this is a hangout for local whitetrash highschool students. They were all planning pool and when i walked in half of them stopped and looked at the city boy with things in his ears. I snuck quickly into the bathroom and then quickly ran out not making eye contact with anyone. Then some rednecks in the parking lot saw me with a huge smile on my face taking a picture of the place. Insted of explaining to them that i have a webpage where i make fun of people like them, i hopped into my car and floored it again. Sigh, i hate Mississippi. No speeding tickets yet though.

As i finally pulled into the city of my heart i felt alot better already. New Orleans is so great, the timeless, the young drunken youth and the old buildings, symbols of the past and the present both doused with cheap rum, hehe. Drove in, gassed up the Horemobile again and decided to find a place to park my car so i could sleep until late in the afternoon and then start day. Well, like always, nothing goes as planned. I pull in the French Quarter

popped the trunk and put on my skates. I skated around for a while and ended up on the infamous Bourbon Street. I hardly ever go to Bourbon when im in New Orleans, just not my favorite place to be, bunch of dirty frat rats and tourists. Still it was really interesting to be be skating around a bunch of drunks, got some interesting pictures too. They're a little blurry but you try taking pictures while moving.

I saw a bunch of just really really strange things that night, for example, here is a homeless guy asleep in a little car.

I decided that was enough skating for one night and that i should get some rest before the next day. Then i remembered, i had no idea where i had parked. Yeah, “doh”. Hehehe. So i skate around for about 3 hours and finally find the Horemobile. I climb in and pass out.

Day 2
I awoke to the sound of traffic. I bet that was a sight for some poor German tourist to see some hobo looking fool getting out of the back seat of a car and walking funny. Ain't America great? Hehe. Well i stop by a Walgreens and buy some Dial to clean the piercings and i end up buying a electric razor because i decided it was time to remove my hair again. Only problem was it had to be plugged into a wall and since it was kickin it hobo style i didn't have a place to plug the thing in. Oh well, answers like those always come to me in good time. Here are some random pictures of the French Quarter i took.

My first and main goal was to find a place to shave my already disgusting hair so i put my stuff in a backpack and began my hunt for free power. At first i thought i could find a bathroom with a power plug in it but i thought the chances of that were slim to none. Then i saw a little parking area that had 2 power plugs! I rushed over, took off one shirt and took out my razor, plugged the thing in and started cutting. I was about halfway done when a little history tour made it's way by. Everyone stops, including the tour guide, then the cameras come up. As i type these people are developing pictures of that strange homeless guy in the alley shaving his head. About 3-4 more people came a little bit closer to take a picture, i gracefully turned around to show the URL of this webpage so that they would know what i was all about and continued shaving. At one point a redneck kinda guy came over and asked to use the razor. He shaved off a small part of his growing mullet and went along. I was there for maybe a total of 15 minutes.
Hehe, well you'll never guess what happened. The owner of the hotel who's parking lot i was using as my own personal barber shop came out to see what the hell was going on. Here is a dialog of what went on.

What in the hell do you think your doing?!?!
I'm cutting my hair.
**silence**
Well you better clean that up!
Okay.

I kept a very very polite tone and a smile on my face the entire time. That 6 months of being yelled at by cable modem customers gave me the ability to distance myself from people who were really angry at me. It also hurts a million times more when your really really polite to someone who really really hates you. She told me at one point not to run because they had me on camera. On the drive home i was thinking, what the hell would they do? Call the cops? What would they charge you with? Ahahaha.

She was really pissed off and finally gave me a brown grocery bag to put my hair in. With a smile on my face because i knew this was going to be a hilarious story, i gathered up my hair and went along my way, turning around once to thank the nice lady for letting me use her alley. Guess those signs about the alley being monitored by cameras wasn't bullshit.

After cutting my hair, stopping at one place to get something to eat, i went back to my car to get my skates. I skated through the French Quarter and just enjoyed the scenery.

Finally decided to skate through the main park where all the little performers were.

This was the only one that really caught me eye, she earned herself a dollar. Too bad she doesn't have a real job, hehe. Probably pays better then the call center though..

The French Quarter has all kinds of strange things in it to attract drunks to their bars. For example, here is a huge blue cow.

Hehe, oh and here was a big ugly dog that made people want to go into this little store. I didn't go into the store.

There were some really interesting street acts going on on Saturday, this guy was my favorite. Usually i hate these damn people and their stupid acts but this guy was doing some insane stuff and he was really really mean about it which adds a lot of cool points. I first saw him when he had a torch and some lighter fluid so i skated down there to see what this was all about.

He called himself Rex and insulted everyone who slightly annoyed him, it ruled. Here is him with this woman from the crowd up on his shoulders, pretty cool, hehe.

After watching Rex and his antics, i skated around the city for a few more hours just enjoying myself. Then i remembered i always wanted to skate up on the riverwalk so i went up some dangerous steps and skated around there for a while.

They had some more interesting street acts up on the riverwalk, like this guy.

He was playing music by rubbing his fingers over glasses filled with water. I think the picture i got truly represents the insane look in this guy's eyes. I sat and watched for a few minutes, requested he play Head Like A Hole or Opiate, took a picture and went on. He didn't like me very much.

Skating around a little more, i saw the great golden cow of the 90's, a huge statue of i guess Joan Of Arc. I pondered skating over there and trying to destroy in the name of the Hore but decided against it. I'm sure at this point the cops were already getting sick of me.

Skating around a little more, i accidentally skated through the famous Cafe Du Monde. I was just skating, minding my own business and suddenly there were lots of tables, chairs and people! The owners of the establishment were about as happy as the owner of the hotel i cut my hair at so jetted from that area as well.

These guys were chilling behind the Cafe, they seemed really cool so they are going to get preserved in crackhore.com forever. As i took the picture, the huge fat guy goes “That'll be $150”. I snickered to myself then skated off quickly turning around once to make sure they weren't following me, hehe.

It was starting to rain so i got back to my car and decided to head back to Memphis. As i was pulling out i saw this, thought it was pretty cool.

The trip back was pretty hardcore, i had never seen rain come down like that before. At one point i was following four red lights in front of me because i couldn't see the road. It was pretty scary not being able to see where your driving and going 70 mph. I think at one point i hydroplaned for a entire mile. I'm still kinda surprised i got home because when it rains like that most people slow down to about 50-60 mph while i kept my constant 75mph the entire time. Thats what mad skill is all about, children. Flying down I-55, screaming along with Hendrix's Voodoo Child, hell yeah! At one point when the big rig i was following started to hyrdoplane and looked as if he was about to lose it, i screamed “crackhore!” at the top of my lungs and passed him, it owned.

At one point i decided i had to stop for gas so i pulled over at the first exit i saw. The rain was coming down so bad that i wouldn't see which town i was pulling over at, just that they had a exxon. Never guess where i stopped.

AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I got my gas and stared at the word Huddle and just sighed. When i had gone in for gas i noticed the inside of the Huddle House was alot like a waffle house. The way i figure it, the HuddleHouse was a Waffle House but they just changed 4 of the letters in Waffle and they got Huddle. Like the riddle of the sphinx.

Finally arriving home, i had a drink with a friend and finally got some sleep.

——————————————————————————–
Lessons Learned:
1: Hotel owners do not like hair in their alley.

2: If you can't see the road, follow the car in front of you, if you see them disappear into the woods, that means they are going on the wrong way.

3: You don't have to drink in New Orleans to have a good time, but it sure helps.

4: Not everyone listens to NIN or Tool, but they should.