answered my own questions

i think i’ve started answering my own questions from the previous post.  i really need to be less pessimistic about myself. there are plenty of great things about me that would attract someone that i actually consider worthy of my lofty standards for relationship material…

definitely nervous, i need to relax and realize who i’m dealing with and just chill out.

it’s funny, the older the friend, the more they approve of it…anyway.

the myth of the relationship

fyi i’m totally sober writing this. this line will make sense a few paragraphs below.

weekends are the worst when you’re a single male living in the US. your options are basically staying home or leaving the house. a or b. now when you end up leaving the house, you’re going to run into people, many of those are women. now most of them are not what you’re looking for but companionship is companionship…the whole sitting on the couch and watching tv with someone after eating dinner is highly underrated. especially when it’s a real moment that you both realize you’re using each other for the same exact thing and continue doing it. oh well, she moved.

the real problem has come from what has been built up in our society. a generation raised with the idea that you’ll find this one person and you’ll be compatible and live happier ever after. the problem arguing against this is that a large portion of my friends and a huge portion of people “i know” have done exactly that.

there is also a whole paragraph i could write about the people trapped in loveless or terrible relationships but they know it and hate it so i don’t want to even bring it up. even tho i just did 🙁

then there are a lot of us who haven’t. the lonely older people. it sucks huh? well, i’m tired of being down about it. i have a bad habit of pondering “maybe ive already met her”….i mean maybe you should have stayed with valerie and tried to make it work, maybe ashley was one i should have stayed with, maybe kelly would have got her shit together…the rear view mirror is not where to look…

a few weeks ago i got to spend some time with someone i could honestly say i cannot get over. friends have commented that i’ve been head over heels for this way too long and asks if there is something more there. i tell them i don’t know.

the worst part is the pessimistic side of me is afraid to ever actually get to call her my girlfriend…i have so much baggage, mistrust, etc that it’s probably just too late, even for her? or does all that shit just disappear and she accepts me for who i am…that might be the disney society thing again.

you’re supposed to “take things slow” with people but i can’t stop thinking about every lonely second spent could be the exact opposite of how i’m feeling now.

then you gotta look at the “oh well, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen” bullshit…this one is my favorite because it’s such a agnostic excuse for loneliness.  it’s out of my control that she isn’t living down here…if it eventually happens then it will. this is just the real lonely bitter dark before the dawn, yeah sure 🙂

i guess it’s my role in this to try to appeal as attractive as possible which probably does not include writing posts like this.

so i spend my time working out, trying to make money and just existing and waiting for something to happen.

the thing that gets me is that i’m feeling anything like this. after the last few months i should be glad to even be sitting here. completely back  to the start. again. circles and circles.

tarrance came to visit me and was amazed at how my apartment is basically a nice replica of the old apartments he used to see me in. nothing has changed, nothing will change, all of this is pretedetermined.

or it’s not.

i want a reminder that i can choose my fate. or i want a reminder that i can’t. it’s great, just sitting on the fence watching the world exist and trying to find a reason it.

and no i’m not going to find jesus. i found god in my mid 20’s when i was really into **** so i know there is something but it never seems to answer the question of loneliness. just a constant “everything will be okay” which is kind of a blanket statement.

anyway, lets stay on topic.

i really need to take a long look in the mirror and realize how much better this is then marrying really young, etc. Everyone wonders, i know they do. Grass is always greener. Screw it, at least the saints are undefeated. Probably going to lose now that i said that 🙁

new layout sucks so bad

i love it…stole a theme and modified it for my needs…i love it, crackhore, just behind your fence. im giving him props, he should feel special im ripping off one of his themes because im so sick and tired of the previous theme.  i figure too we need to evolve as a site to something equally as terrible. i might just change it monthly, rip off someone else’s theme and just keep them cycling.

too much work.

i’ll swap them out when i feel like it.

everyone pretty much knows me or has followed the train wreck on facebook, about the completely terrible few months i’ve had, some more then others. the ones that heard others, don’t fucking tell anyone else.

oh well, i have to be up early, i’m totally wide awake from staring at the monitors in the dark.

perfect end to another terrible redesign.

the next one will be worse.

and don’t forget to msg me on aim and tell me i haven’t updated enough.


I seem to only write on this site while i’m bitter and single.  So here we are. Facebook has become the anti crackhore, i update it constantly and need to figure out how to blend the two. Because not everyone on facebook is cleared to read this site, i can’t post on FB that i’ve reset the password, upgraded wordpress and am officially back.

im going to be working on a new design just because this shit is way old school. i’m going to break out a bottle of wine, get out some tori and do this like we were back in 2002.

because everything is pretty much exactly like that in maturity anyway 🙂

Iphone practice update

Hehehe I went downtown today to geyt my haircut, worn my starfuckers shirt Kelly bought me and one of my pairs of white linen pants, so much fun having clothes… Nothing better then white linen pants and a black tshirt…..contrast for the win\n\nSo in need of some sleep, need to be early bed toad tonight, like 9 pm for real

Yay iphpome and worpdpresa!!!!!

Yay I am upsdaring depm my iPhone becasue I need practixlce with. This gAy ass keyboard is just about as gay as I thougt it would be but Imma get uses to it ror die trying. Oh well it s not really as bad as I thought I meAn dits aiutoeplacinf moat of my. Misspellings,
Oh here is a cr anbery and vodka lolol
Sent from. Aiphones

happy 11th anniversary

11 years ago today, a young bright eyed toad decided to register

it’s interesting to think what i used to be like 11 years ago…pretty much the exact same as i am now, except i had youth to blame everything on. as soon as i graduate i’ll be able to do what i want. there is definetely a kind of greatness that i’ll always miss…to know that your whole life can lead to so many great things….blah that’s the 29 year old talking…

it’s been a crazy 11 years tho, lots of really useless non entertaining updates…a lot like this one…

i really feel like ive let this site down tho…a big part of me wishes all i did was update this, make videos, have adventures and post and somehow pay rent, utilities, etc….oh well, had to work, it happens.

still pretty great to know that it’s lived this long and since i put a 10 year renewal on it, it’s gonna be up a long time.