Category: TOAD NEWS FEED

gotta update about this

so yesterday before i go to kaleb’s bbq, i decide to stop in and get my haircut at the good ole Fantastic Sam’s i usually go to. I sit and wait for what seems like hours, reading a great article in GQ about Johnny Depp, how he likes France so much more, etc.

Finally it’s my turn to get my haircut. Now normally i get this one girl, blonde hair, really bad teeth, who knows what i do, how im usually stoned/drunk when i get my haircut, etc.

But this time i get a new girl….can’t remember her name for the life of me, but instantly she says “i bet your a artist, arn’t you?”

Here we go….

We continue to make small talk, she comments on how “adorable” i am several times. The questions start to get a little more personal, asking about my current dating status, what “i do for fun”, which i answer “drinking whiskey before getting my hair cut”.

I start to get a little nervous towards the end of the haircut when the flirting becomes kind of intense. I feel the sweat forming on my back as she tells me how cute i am again. The realization occurs to me that flirting in real life is very unknown terroritory to me.

Especially when it’s a mid 30’s hairdresser.

I pay for my haircut on the company card, the credit card machine fucks up printing out my receipt, and i stay longer. Now all 3 of the woman are commenting on how sweet i am with my big brown eyes.

I am terrified at this point, thinking only of escape and the rest of the Southern Comfort thats sitting in the back of my car.

I need to get a flowbee.

Salsa Dance Defense

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (AP) — Tommy Chong, who played one half of the dope-smoking duo in the Cheech and Chong movies, asked for leniency from a judge Thursday but was sentenced to nine months in prison for conspiring to sell drug paraphernalia.

Chong’s attorneys argued for no jail time, saying the actor and comedian would use his celebrity to become a role model against drugs and would dedicate his life to public service.

The 65-year-old apologized to the court and his family, saying he “got carried away” with his movie character.

He admitted once having “a drug problem with marijuana” but said he beat it by redirecting his energy to salsa dancing.

“It’s a Latin American dance that’s awesome,” Chong told U.S. District Judge Arthur J. Schwab before the judge imposed the sentence, which included a $20,000 fine.

Dildo

Drinking continues as it does at most apartments at 3am on a Monday night. I figure it would be funny to have marla porn with the dildo. More drinking, the dildo goes in everyone's mouth, whether they like it or not.

Ian comes home and exclaims he's been up for 2 days drinking and passes out, cell phone in hand, on the pink couch. Poor ian doesn't wake up when i place the huge rubber cock in his lap and procede my photograph him.

He looks so peaceful.

These are probably the most fucked up pictures on my website.

Enjoy.

god

got drunk at computers on southern comfort, worked on mysql with my friend sam, passed out at 3am to cool hand luke..

around 10:30am i hear a loud pounding my on window near my bed. i must be getting robbed again.

alas, it’s josh and christy. Marla houls in anticipation as i stumble out of bed, still drunk and high, and pray my roommate hasn’t been woken by them pounding on my window and screaming.

luckily ian wasn’t here.

now im drinking a beer

America, the failed project.

Just because one religion says we should take the day off I'm sitting here completely sober and I'm pissed. What is up with that? Sure, I'm only 19, i can't buy alcohol, but if i could, i'd be really pissed that the only thing i could buy is beer. Beer is only fun on a few occasions so what if I'm not in a beer mood on a Sunday?!
Sorry toad, we here in the United States Of America say the church and state are seperate, but since the church says its wrong, it probably is, so lets make a law! AHAHAHAHA Damn it. I work in a call enter that is open 365 days a year and we serve almost no purpose except to lie to people. Look, i know the church is against drinking for some strange reason but is the church also against lying? Yup, thats right. So by logic, shouldn't call centers be closed on Sundays also, to prevent lying as they do drinking on Sundays? The 9th commandment says do not bear false witness, so i think bearing false witness on a Sunday is like extra bad.

Now you may be thinking, all those people who own liquor stores need Sundays off to rest for all their hard work they do all week helping AMERICANS get their booze. Thats crap, as much as they deserve rewards, they shouldn't be forced to or be allowed to have their place of business closed just because its a certain day of the week. Know what the solution is for that? HIRE MORE EMPLOYEES!

Hell, i don't think these places should even be closing at 11pm, they should be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to promote drinking just like a call center promotes lying! If i want to be lied to at 4:30am i know what number i can call but if i want a rum and coke at 4:30am I'm shit out of luck for like another 8 hours. A friend made the argument that you should just stock up on Saturday. What if i don't want to?! My forefathers died so i can be lazy and buy my alcohol any damn time i want. But i guess since it was members of the National Brit Church that landed on this country first, well technically they didn't but thats a whole other editorial, they think that i can't buy alcohol from liquor stores on Sunday. Damn it all.

Footnote***Thanks to Queen Jenny for giving me information on the 9th commandment so i didn't have to look it up.