their building a web site outside my cell….i got 10 more years to go

so today i turned 29…literally….this stupid show has gone for almost 3 decades….

ive been realistic…im ready for it… i was hoping for my early 20’s….now, ive beaten my own odds.

the depression set in on the 25th…very very few people know why this day hurts me but it was bad this year…i didn’t do anything to cause it but god, feels like it.

i woke up today, sat down at the monitors and got to work. checking my email, sorting shit out, running it. just like i’ve done for almost 20 years now….and what does it have me? pretty much nothing. it can all come crumbling down, my empire of dirt, but it doesn’t.

bruce reminded me this morning, like good friends always do. “you have a cool girlfriend, a nice place to live and a dog, that’s beating the odds on most everyone”.

it was weird but that “stfu gtfo” comment really snapped me out of my emo feeling of “i haven’t done enough with my life”. it’s really silly to really take a super deep look at my life anymore, i won a long time ago. this is all extra lives and new maps.

kelly bought me a tori amos book for my birthday, among other tori based gifts. i’ve read a few pages and she mentions archetypes and how we take them on, etc. it got me thinking about what arcehtype i am…not a artist, not a sales man, just exist and help…i hate support but maybe thats why i’m here. really sucks actually, gotta start charging more.

i decided today tho, this is my year…i got a plan, a few plans, this time next year im going to be posting from a new city because new orleans will be done. new orleans, memphis, this is all just beta testing for the launch of what the people need.

remember that scene in hustle and flow when he’s down there by the bridge and he’s talking to himself? that is me at this exact moment. except ive been drinking all day. and i don’t have a car.  or any hookers. and im white.

other then that tho, it’s just like that.

it’s weird, like i know it’s all in my head. a birthday or new years is just another day…i mean, we man. but i’ve decided, this is it, the next year it’s time. this is my last shot, gotta do good because after this, it’s fucking over.

now put your hands on the wheel.