Author: Scoutmastertoad

Well, in a drunken jealous rage, i took some catnip and put it in a pipe. I'm always up for trying something new and possibly deadly so i thought, why not? After sparking the catnip and tasting the interesting minty flavor it had, i leaned back on the couch and waited for any effects. Ian then told me that it would be funny if there was some strange chemical reaction with the other chemicals in my body and i somehow overdosed. Now that would have been funny, Ian dragging Toad into a Baton Rouge hospital explaining to nurses that he was smoking catnip and his heart stopped. I didn't think it was funny at the time though. After about a hour we decided to leave and i was still not feeling any new feelings from the catnip. My conclusion? Catnip sadly does not effect humans the same as it effects cats. This is a huge disappointment. I thought i was stumbling upon a great new drug that would sweep through the streets like a tidal wave. But alas, nothing happened.

The moral of this story. Crap, i'm not really sure on this one. How about, if you try something you saw someone else getting a buzz off of, it probably won't work for you? Well thats not completely correct either. Okay i got it, the moral of this story is that cats have it so much better then humans.

You can tell towards the end when Toad gets drunk because all the pictures are ones with stuff stuck in his mouth.

But it’s okay, i don’t miss it. Nope, not me. I’ve been watching a lot of movies on the computer…actually, all of the movies on my computer…..Wes brought over another season of X Files for me to ingest and i’m staying busy. For example, i ate a cupcake last night.

But it’s not the lack of those beautiful precious packets coming into my apartment that’s the source of this update. Sam Cooper is finally done. This construction diaster has been under development longer then i’ve been driving. Or probably breathing. After numerous pickets of ghetto people, upset that a 6 lane interstate will now be their front yard. As i was speeding by at 80mph instead of the normal 30 that we were restricted to on Broad, i see a yellow Lab cowering on a porch, scared shitless by the metal monsters that are screaming down the street where his front yard used to be.

Fuck um.

The new Sam Cooper has 2 lights instead of the normal 4….no railroad tracks to cross…no threat of being car jacked at Tillman and Broad…..no more ghetto….just beautiful blacktop with few places for police to hide. It’s like a dream.

I came home to this.

I went inside, saw the cable was out but luckily i still had power. I thought no big deal, got a new dvd player, Sara brought her dvd collection, i’ll be fine. I got comfortable and relaxed, watching a movie, thinking “i don’t need internet, im not addicted, im not addicted”.

Halfway through the DVD the power goes out.

I see one of the few neighbers i left, since half of my apartment complex has moved out since i moved in, and he informs me that mlgw told him it’s gonna be out for about 30 minutes.

I leave. Get food, come home and eat it in front of the TV. Chad brings me some movies.

I go to bed at 10:30pm.

Day 2
I wake up to a internetless laptop next to me. It’s like waking up to your girlfriend but instead of her being all beautiful and peaceful, she’s all blue and bloated, dead, dead, dead.

I wait for the timewarner guy to come, he never shows up. I run errands and run to point2point with my laptop and digital camera to get a update in. Tonight i’ll go home to my internetless apartment, rock back and forth on the couch and probably go to bed before 11pm again.

*Sigh*

Oh well, at least yesterday my ebay car was a 1996 Nissan 300ZX. I was scared shitless to touch this bease of a vehicle. I had just lost my manual transmission virginity a few weeks ago and i was staring at a huge polished green…..hehe car. I drive it out of the parking lot, heading for the park to get a good background. I pull out of Covington pike and drop it into 2nd, then 3rd. Demons beneath the hood roar with anger. I notice the gas light is on. They wanted to make sure i couldn’t get very far.

After i took the pics and brought it back i felt like i needed a cigerette. The transmission was so smooth between gears and the rear wheel drive made that car off the hook. I wish there had been more gas in the tank, hehe.

I insantly turn on Star 98 and blare some Classic Rock, which seemed appropiate. I took it to Shelby Farms, got some good pics and drove it back.

Today however i pull up and they lead me to this monster of a vehicle. A 2000 Ford Excursion. This SUV has more space then my apartment and has almost as much electronics. With the 2 cd players, the DVD player in the back and the leather seats, this thing just doesn’t fucking play.

So i take it out to East Memphis to park it in front of one of those super nice houses out there for some good background. The drive on the interstate was all kinds of intresting tho. I pop in Meatloaf – Bat Out Of Hell II, crank that awesome stereo system, another thing my apartment doesn’t have and head east. Nothing better then pulling up to a stoplight and looking down on someone from your lofty point of view and seeing them cower at the Loaf.

I spot a really cool looking house and pull up on the driveway. I was greeted by 2 huge boxers, both looking really unfriendly and barking. Strike one. I start to pull into another driveway but see people in the garage. Strike two. Finally i find a place that doesn’t have anyone outside or vicious guard dogs, snap a few pics and roll out.

Tommorow’s car is the 96′ 300ZX. I’m gonna return it with a roach in the ashtray and a bunch of empty forties in the backseat.

Never before have i seen such technical support for a product i purchased. I’ve asked half a dozen questions in 2 days and he’s answered every one of them within a hour, solving every single problem i’ve ran into.

Imagine if Roadrunner or Bellsouth had tech support like this. Your cable light goes out and you pick up the phone and call some dude. He’s like “oh shit, just try this, that’ll do it” and it works. I actually feel good for buying this software. And yes, i am sober.

After he fixed crackhore.com for the 4th time today, i told him if he’s ever in Memphis that i got a couch and a forty with his name on it.

In other news i finally went grocery shopping. Yesterday i went the entire day on only a bran muffin and had the urge to start drinking. I really wanted to actually eat a meal before drinking. Just then Ian walks in the door carrying 3 boxes of Pizza from work. I eat a few pieces of supreme and i’m hooked up.

Now today i have a new problem. I don’t want to eat pizza anymore and i have 3 pizzas.

It’s a 5 speed tho. Toad doesn’t know how to drive a manual. So me and Marla hopped in one morning and drove around the block. I must have stalled it out at least a dozen times before Ian showed up and rode with me out to Covington Pike for a meeting. We only stalled twice on that.

After i realized that the floormat was catching on my Doc Martins and i ripped that fucker out, it was all gravey. I’m almost leet with manual and i actually own a car that rules.

It’s a weird feeling tho. I’ve always been a Fightclub kinda person or at least tried to keep that frame of mind. Physical possesions are for the weak. I know this, anyone with half a mind knows this, memories are better then anything that can be taken away. So it feels so weird to walk outside and see a l33t car and know it’s mine. Weird shit. I think i just enjoy driving it so much that i feel guilty

I feel sorry for all the people in Memphis who were honking at me stop lights when i try to jam it into 1st but they can go fuck themselves. When you see a car in front of you stall, you don’t honk. Honking makes them more nervous, more pissed and more likely to put the car in park and get out and beat you to death.

I’m not sure if i should title it as a Horemobile yet tho. Is it a Horemobile when i put the sticker on it? Is it a Horemobile or should i make up a new name for it? Blah oh well.

I cry, when angels deserve to be owned.

This year's theme was “Hail To The Empire!” so everyone was decked out in togas. Except me and my bathrobe.

While I was there I run into a Rick Sadosky(sp) from highschool. I didn't remember him until he told me his name but he later went on to tell me that i have a Hore Club at Notre Dame up north. So i gotta give a shout out to my people up there.

The night goes on and on with lots of drinking, etc and the pics start to get fucked up. You can tell by my update from that night that everyone involved was really drunk.

So Christy went to class the other day and left me alone with her dog and the History Channel. I hadn’t drank in 2 days and had just finished a monster workout on her stationary bike so a 40 started sounding really tight.

Since Christy lost her keys and only had one set, i couldn’t lock the door behind me. I figured since i’m only going 50 yards from her apartment it would be okay. I walk into the quaint little corner store, the kind of place we’d all be shopping at if Wal*Mart hadn’t taken over and grab a Heineken.

I don’t normally drink Heineken but i only wanted 1 forty so it seemed like a good choice. I take the bottle up and the lady casually asks if i have any ID. I reply “Of course” and slide her my liscense. She looks at it and then slides it back saying “I’m sorry, i can’t take this, it says Under 21 on it.” This is because I havn’t been in the mood to spend $10 and 2 hours of my life to get it renewed since i turned 21. I never thought it was a issue since no one had ever gave me any static over it. I calmy point out that it has my birthdate on it and that im the ripe age of 22. This doesn’t work. Apparently since it’s a out of state ID, she can’t understand that that’s my birthdate.

—Begin anger stage of update—

I smile at her, say “Heh okay whatever, i’ll even take it back to the cooler for you” and return my beer. This is my routine response for when someone treats me like shit. You act completely calm and cool about it, knowing that the fact that they got some power out of denying me beer gave them some little ego boost. This makes me feel better because people who feel better about themselves for pushing other people around over such simple things live even more pathetic lives then alcoholics like me.

buttTOAD: i hope i never get a gun.
Matthais: Why is that?
buttTOAD: www.crackhore.com
buttTOAD: because i’d kill people like that