Author: Scoutmastertoad

If you need to get work done on your car, set an alarm. Do not wake up about noon and go. I wanted to get the transmission flushed in the car for a few weeks and decided to do it today. I get there and the mechanics are on lunch, i’m like “Fuck it, i got my ipod and my phone, i’ll wait”. 5 hours later i leave.

i actually left after a few hours, bought beer and walked around the ghetto listening to music. it’s amazing walking around here seeing how many houses are just empty. entire apartment complexes just abandoned…it’s weird.

so the other day ashley started asking me questions i couldn’t really answer.

i came home and she had left a note and all her things were gone.

i’m surprised at my maturity through the whole thing. i would normally stay with girls for months after it was over.

nice clean break…we even talk. i just can’t bring myself to be mad at someone who sees me for what i am.

im glad she left before she started to hate me.

Oh well, now im a swinging bachelor in a apartment with 2 computers on the floor and a inflatable mattress..and a chair….have a few plates too.
There are thousands of girls masturbating to the thought of my apartment, right this second.
But they’re not.

No one is masturbating about you 🙁

I think thats going to be the title of my book.

Anyway, besides my personal life crumbling like the thing that crumbles it is, my side business is going well. I’ve hired 3 women, all of them gorgeous, which are going to help me build websites.

It’s like charlie’s angels.

But in new orleans.

I’m really confident in the 3 i’ve hired. It’s fucked up knowing they will probably read this since you don’t know me long before knowing my dirty secrets. Oh well, better sooner then later.

The team i have now tho is close. A few more craigslist posts from now i’ll have a new business. Everyone gets a few weeks or its done.

Darwin smiles.

This is the only answer. Burn and smash if we lose.

I’m finally starting to heal from last week’s race. The pain is starting to feel good which means it’s not just the bright white pain i used to feel hobbling around. I’m going to  try to run again next Sunday and maybe do some kind of something this week. A week off sucks.

On my pirate lifestyle, i have two 2nd interviews with 2 women that might work out. I need to talk with both of them one more time but it’s time to give one of them a try.

I didn’t write this but Databit passed this from Zephrius to me.
From:  Zephrius

Date: Jan 12, 2007 9:22 AM
Subject Friday!
Body: I guess the exclamation point is an overstatement. I’m not too excited about the fact that it’s the end of the corporate business week or the fact that it’s a 3 day weekend. I think Memphis should be exempt from celebrating that national holiday because this is where MLK was shot. Kinda like how if one kid misbehaves then the whole class has to skip recess or something. Yeah it’s just like that.

p.s. i have no idea what I’m saying. I’m just so fucking bored at work. I wish there was something to do besides pretending to look like I’m working.

So tonight is the last interview. Last night iterviewee(sp?) was gorgeous, self motivated, had on the spot reccomendations, friend of a friend of a friend kind of thing. The problem is she was fucking gorgeous. Looked like Kimber from Nip/Tuck. I really don’t think i can work with somone that hot on a regular basis.

I’m giving this one last girl a chance tho. Before i marry any of these individuals i gotta date as much as possible. I honestly don’t think i have anymore interviews left in me. So tired of explaining who and what i do and how desperately i need help.

BTW im working on MLK. I don’t care. He’d want me to work, right? I’m white.

look, if you work on computers in even the smallest sense, here is some really good advice.

Usb jump drive will save your life. I don’t care how many you have, make sure you spread them out. I have 1 at work, and 2 at home. Fucked my day up completely. Lost hours of life, gas, stress, inner self loathing, countless things.
and if the last few days of updates havn’t sunk it. get lots of copies of your keys. lots. bury them if you must.

So today in toad’s key quest:

I call around today, still desperate to find a dealership that can cut me a key based on the car’s keycode. It’s like $20 if you do it through a dealer. Honestly one of the guys at work **** said i should call baton rouge and mississippi and try to get them to cut you a key and overnight it to myself.

The logistics of this is bad cuz the registration, etc is in the car. Anyway, i call pop a lock, much better then the fucking assholes at liberty locksmith. The cool lesbian style woman pulls up, it takes her about 45 minutes to get a key to work. I tell her this is normal and that everything involved with me in the least bit has to be totally fucked up. She says, and i quote, “then why are you letting it rub off on me, im trying to fix your car”. I just sighed and said i didn’t know.

She gets me a key, i drive to my interview. This girl is a lot younger, has a child, but almost seems like someone i would hangout with. But you never know. I’m really anxious about tomorrow,  so far between the 2 it’s really made me wonder what kind of person i need/want.
Oh well. 3 more interviews this week and i im going to make a decision.  I needed help 6 months ago, now it’s just reaching epidemic levels.

The katrina victims websites i once saved from the raising waters are now each other trying to get the 1 hour of support i provide monday thru friday.
If that.

Because suddenly it’ll all make sense.

I hope everyone who think i have done them wrong takes personal/sexual enjoyment from this.

Because it proves everything
Lets backstep a little bit. Saturday night, the night before the 9k race i’m thinking about doing. I go get italian food. Spaghetti, setup a playlist, drink beer all day. I am ready for the longest race i’ve attempted.

I wake up the next morning, i feel mad and excited. I dress. I go. I stretch, i have the music ready, everything. About 3 miles into it, i start to feel a weird pinch. This makes it tough to run. I’ll wak for a few minutes and strech it out. Hmmm, still hurts.

I’m more then halfway done and if i finish i can get beer. Beer is worth not turning around. I walk on, finish in a time that would make most grandparents shudder. I finished behind a really old couple.

Leg really hurts.

It gets SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better, hold on.

So i have a few beers at the finish and i head with the rest of the herd to get on one of the school buses that was ferrying people from the french quarter back to the start line out in lakeshore. I miss the bus along with like 50 other people. Suddenly, a white truck pulls up and honks. A bunch of runners run up and jump in.

My ankle causing this cool blinding white pain, still says i should get in the truck too. I hobble up after the strangers and jump in while it’s already taking off. I make small talk with the 2 couples who tell me that drinking is part of the new orleans track clubs. They tell me about races that involve running and alcohol. I drink my tallboy and thank the universe for the luck i have. Instead of sitting for the next sweaty disgusting schoolbus back to the start line, im riding like a king in the back of a truck with a tallboy. I feel like i fit in for once.

We stop for gas and the guy driving the truck(a runner drinking beer) asks if anyone wants more beer. Yay, a 32oz of bud ice, drinking with my new friends. In the back of a truck, flying down Esplanade, in running clothes.

Okay, we get to the start line. I can get in my car, drive home with a great story for Ashley and crackhore.com

All thats left is to bend down to my shoe where the key is and…

Hmm, thats strange. No key.

*looks around*

Reality sets in.

Okay, universe, this is where you usually take over and i get some more amazing luck like the truck ride here.  I ask a few fellow runners getting off at the schoolbus stop that the rest of the people were taking. I get no offers.

Fine, i’ll fucking walk. Walking, the fine art of drunken losers without cars. Worst part is i know exactly where i am and i instantly picture every step and every hill.

Now, i’ve had some “sour times” before.

But walking in the rain, up and down a course that you already ran most of, then failed because it “hurt when i put pressure on it”, then WALKING back, it sucks.

In retrospect i should have broken a window on my car and got my phone. It would have been $200 something more then the price of just getting a new key/ignition, etc.

Just imagine it for a second. Walking down some stretch of road, totally exhausted from the run/stumble/crawl, listening to Alice In Chains on the headphones. The fucking faggot piece of shit ipod was actually probably pushing me more towards suicide then helping. But i guess the music gave me a sense of humor about it.

This sucks. Leg hurts, raining, cold, defeated, tired. And of course after the 4 beers you had at the finish line and the tall boy, you have to pee.

Not even going into that part of the walk home.

I get home, knock on the door. Ashley is surprised with me knocking on the door instead of using those keys i usually carry with me. I come in, lay down the floor and  curl up into the fetal position. I shower, pour a huge glass of whiskey, finish 3/4 of it and pass out.

I wake up, eat and pass out again. Think i drank a beer or two, anyway.

I wake up, it’s monday, my favorite friend from work ******** is coming to pick me up. He laughs as i hobble down the steps in intense pain. People laugh at me at work all day long with my pathetic “i lost my key cuz im teh dumb lolz” story. ******** drops me off at my car at 4pm to wait for the locksmith.

Now i don’t know what you heard about me, but a bitch can’t get a dollar out of me. I call all the dealerships, get my VIN from the insurance company and find 2 dealerships that have my vin key combination. But none of them can cut keys. One doesn’t even have the little tool, the other one won’t have one for a month. This is stupid, why do people live here.

They tell me it’s better off to call a locksmith. I call around like i do with anything. I find the first people in the phone book, Liberty Locksmith, and i use their full name, because i hope no ever makes the mistake of using them.

****** drops me off at my car at 4pm. I’m panicked since im afraid they might have come early, not seen anyone next to the car and roll out.  He drops me off and i chill. And i chill. Finally i go “okay, gonna get a cop to open a door so i can get my phone and wallet, can use phone to call locksmith, get car faster, life get better”.

I flag down this cop in a white pickup truck. I swear, the fucking spitting image of Mackey. Shaved head, attitude, everything. I tell him thanks. He’s got this hot brunette in the police truck with him. I tell him he’s probably off duty and this is really cool, etc. Keeps telling me “it’s cool brah”. As he opens my car i try to emphasize and say “man you got shit tough down here now, i appreciate you helping me out since the city is kinda falling apart”. He tells me it’s no problem. He breaks out the slimjim from his cop bag, opens my car up in about 20 seconds, i shake his hand and drives off.

I’m sitting in my car and it hits me he didn’t even ask for ID after he opened my car. I’m sitting in here in my car but he had no idea it was my car. I look around the street and think “i should have made him open up that mercedes”. This blows my mind for a hour while i use my phone to search google for locksmithes. Yay no one is open!

After 2 hours and a few calls to Liberty Locksmith, who says their tech that was “on his way to fix my lock”, has all his phonecalls going straight to voicemail.

I ask him, “so i should start walking?” “walking where sir?” “home, because i need a ingnition key”.

Finally i just give up, call ashley, give her directions to where i’m located, she picks me up, takes me to my interview. The interview goes well, i fell in love with her and think she might be the next new p2p employee. We’ll see. 1 down, 4 to go.

Lessons learned:

spare keys and lots of them

never give up

We got a new cherry (guy that is new to the army and not been in combat) so I decided to take him out drinking one night. We went  to my buddy Dan’s house to consume copious amounts of alcohol and succeeded by far. I had the usual 18 beers or so, along with a shit-load of Jagermeister and some other things that I don’t fully remember. The cherry hadn’t been much of a drinker before this night and seemed to over do it a bit. He ended up falling over outside, while trying to vomit, and rolling around in the 35 degree rain for about 10 minutes… so i proceeded to take him upstairs to the indoor vomit hole. He then decided that he hates toilets with a passion and pukes all over the floor… giving me flashbacks of the deli and the ash tray incident. Then he states “I need to shit” but seems to forget with his next few heaves. I forget completely about the statement until about 10 minutes pass… and I smell something a bit like shit. Come to find out he has shit his pants right there in front of me. I don’t mean shart… or even a log or two…. but about a liter of curdled choco milky substance spewing down his legs and soaking thru his shorts…. I spent the next hour or so tossing him in the shower and stripping him down… trying to use the shower-head to clean him… waving it to and fro like a lawn sprinkler. Jesus I love the army…. there isn’t another place you will find a guy that will clean up your “shit”. The attached URL is the pic I took with my phone. Enjoy and feel free to post 😉

Your loving Levi.

Life moves forward as it always does. I’m doing shit in Flash that i didn’t think was possible and my side business is crazy as fuck.

Ashley is getting used to living with me. She’s seen me run into a wall while on sleeping pills and whiskey.  Seen me walk around shirtless fighting invisible warriors with my sword. Heard the hours of Portishead, Tori, and Pink Floyd.

As usual there are huge confusing things in my life that i won’t mention on the site. A few close friends have helped me and i thank them. Thats been the one thing that has been different since i’ve moved.  Oh well.

Wes had some really good advice when i was going through some tough and confusing time. He told me that i should do whatever i want because whatever i decide is the right thing. That’s gotten me through some hard decisions and i makes my 20/20 hindsight less harsh.

Anyway.

On a happy note i now have aim at work. mmm hmm hmm. Also going to be able to unfilitered internet as well. Today was the first day and i only had it for a few minutes but time seemed to pass much more quickly.

My flash at work is aiming at “over the top” lately. I just keep tacking on other people’s actionscript and flash tutorials building this huge crazy pieced together by google searches.  One of the guys next to me heard me rant about how great open source and tutorials are. He called me a script kiddie.

I am a script kiddie.

Damn fine one.

I can build you some really tight shit but i gotta find some free tutorial or a template.

On the side business note, i’ve hired a bookkeeper. I think she already knows about crackhore since she’s seen the domain used in e-mails so i’ll assume she’s reading. She’s the 3rd employee i’ve had in my short time as failure boss but i still want to buy her a hawaiian shirt and a sword. What are we but tradition.

My new year’s resolution was to hire some kind of personall assistant to keep my poor dying business alive. Craigslist has provided over 24 resumes so far. Some of it has been pretty funny. It’s great that people sometimes wonder if their imtoomuchdrama@hotmail.com is the best account to send resumes from. As i drink and go thru these people’s lives on paper, i start getting a little petty. I’m already negative about one girl because she has the name of someone who broke my heart. Got another girl named Autumn. I dunno about that either.

Oh well. Hiring employees is like falling in love. They feel sorry for me and want to help me. Just like love….